Hi Guys,
Finally choosing to do a journal has not been easy. Even after reading so much about these issues and seeing how common they are I feel so much stigma and embarrassment about it. I finally decided I can't do it on my own, I need to place to come when I'm getting a craving and I've already read through so many incredible stories you guys have - GREAT JOB - it's inspiring.
I think this level of self control about being healthy and the kind of a person you want to be is the manliest thing possible. I'm so grateful that communities like this exist.
My quick story - I'm 27, been using porn since my teens and it's been my "life saver" for a long time. All the anxiety about girls would be resolved in all the available, beautiful partners, that all "wanted me". Typical addiction progressed to harder and harder content and while I've been troubled by it for years now (and failed at quitting) the main thing I always observed was that it was not what was happening on screen that did it for me, it was just that it had to be taboo or extreme. The most explicit, hardcore, passionate but "normal" sex would do nothing for me but even a hint of something really sexually scandalous would push me over the edge. That's when I really understood that it was not about my choices and that I needed help.
The best thing about that realization and I think what we have to remember is that it allowed me to forgive myself. I was no longer a "bad person" because what I thought were my tastes I now saw as just mile markers in a normal addiction.
I had finally met a woman that I fell very hard for and this realization came very early in our relationship. It was SUCH a difficult conversation especially since she revealed that she's had exes who were addicts and that she had terrible associations. I don't think I could've hidden this and making sure she understood this wasn't about her was very important to me. I quit - deleting my porn and bookmarks was one of the hardest things I've ever done (what a miserable thing to think right?!). It felt like I was amputating a limb, like I was choosing celibacy right after I moved into the Playboy mansion. I didn't masturbate or watch porn for three months, my ED was getting so much better - especially since I would now get aroused from kissing or just seeing someone attractive - this is PROOF that this life change is worth it. It was hard at times and I definitely understand how some of you talk about kind of rolling back through years of what aroused me. On week one I was craving the extreme stuff, by the fourth week I was missing things that were turning me on years ago. I think by the third month hot girls on Instagram were enough to totally put me in the mood, haha.
Unfortunately the gf and I got into a fight one day and man....it was not good, my favorite porn star was a google search away and my streak ended. Then I rationalized that I was better, that just a little bit was ok - even healthy! Little by little my resolve eroded and yesterday I revisited my old stomping grounds, right back to that high. Ugh...
I watched Thanks for Sharing, a flick about sex addiction (warning, might not be good for your reboot) and was heartbroken by the stories of this ruining people's lives. I need the support, I need a place to go to see all these inspiring stories.
I'm making a final decision to live better, the women I know or see in my life deserve better. I deserve to feel good about myself again. I am not what my triggers would make me seem to be, I just fell for a trap that exploited my wiring. I want to be more confident, I want to nurture my resolve to say no to seduction both real and imagined. I just want to experience real life, not some imagined comfort.
Thank you for reading, I can do this, even if there are setbacks I can get better and better.
Finally choosing to do a journal has not been easy. Even after reading so much about these issues and seeing how common they are I feel so much stigma and embarrassment about it. I finally decided I can't do it on my own, I need to place to come when I'm getting a craving and I've already read through so many incredible stories you guys have - GREAT JOB - it's inspiring.
I think this level of self control about being healthy and the kind of a person you want to be is the manliest thing possible. I'm so grateful that communities like this exist.
My quick story - I'm 27, been using porn since my teens and it's been my "life saver" for a long time. All the anxiety about girls would be resolved in all the available, beautiful partners, that all "wanted me". Typical addiction progressed to harder and harder content and while I've been troubled by it for years now (and failed at quitting) the main thing I always observed was that it was not what was happening on screen that did it for me, it was just that it had to be taboo or extreme. The most explicit, hardcore, passionate but "normal" sex would do nothing for me but even a hint of something really sexually scandalous would push me over the edge. That's when I really understood that it was not about my choices and that I needed help.
The best thing about that realization and I think what we have to remember is that it allowed me to forgive myself. I was no longer a "bad person" because what I thought were my tastes I now saw as just mile markers in a normal addiction.
I had finally met a woman that I fell very hard for and this realization came very early in our relationship. It was SUCH a difficult conversation especially since she revealed that she's had exes who were addicts and that she had terrible associations. I don't think I could've hidden this and making sure she understood this wasn't about her was very important to me. I quit - deleting my porn and bookmarks was one of the hardest things I've ever done (what a miserable thing to think right?!). It felt like I was amputating a limb, like I was choosing celibacy right after I moved into the Playboy mansion. I didn't masturbate or watch porn for three months, my ED was getting so much better - especially since I would now get aroused from kissing or just seeing someone attractive - this is PROOF that this life change is worth it. It was hard at times and I definitely understand how some of you talk about kind of rolling back through years of what aroused me. On week one I was craving the extreme stuff, by the fourth week I was missing things that were turning me on years ago. I think by the third month hot girls on Instagram were enough to totally put me in the mood, haha.
Unfortunately the gf and I got into a fight one day and man....it was not good, my favorite porn star was a google search away and my streak ended. Then I rationalized that I was better, that just a little bit was ok - even healthy! Little by little my resolve eroded and yesterday I revisited my old stomping grounds, right back to that high. Ugh...
I watched Thanks for Sharing, a flick about sex addiction (warning, might not be good for your reboot) and was heartbroken by the stories of this ruining people's lives. I need the support, I need a place to go to see all these inspiring stories.
I'm making a final decision to live better, the women I know or see in my life deserve better. I deserve to feel good about myself again. I am not what my triggers would make me seem to be, I just fell for a trap that exploited my wiring. I want to be more confident, I want to nurture my resolve to say no to seduction both real and imagined. I just want to experience real life, not some imagined comfort.
Thank you for reading, I can do this, even if there are setbacks I can get better and better.
