My grip is loosening and I'm sliding!

[survivor]

Survivor here.

I'm getting closer to the abyss. Went searching for that image today. Did not find it but found other stuff I did not need to find. Managed to pull myself away before I got drawn deeper down the rabbit hole. However, now the craving is very strong. maybe stronger than I can resist because I don't want to resist it. I want to give in to it, let it wash over me. I want release. It's been three weeks - longest I've gone in several years. So I've pushed past my learned comfort zone and my brain is now in uncharted territory. Not used to going this long without a dopamine hit. 

I don't know if I'm gonna make it this time. I think I tickled the dragon's chin and awoke the beast. Also, right now I don't care. I want what I want and I want it right now.

Gotta focus on why I should not do this.

1) At some time I WILL get caught.

2) My wife will be very upset.

3) I will lose all the energy and positivity I've built up over the past three weeks.

4) I'll be living a secret again.

5) I'll get caught up in thinking that if people knew they would think I was a pervert and they would lose respect for me.

6) Truth be told when I does this stuff "I" lose respect for me. I don't like myself so much when I'm in the bubble.

Glad I spilled my guts here. I think I'll make it a little longer.


Thanks for being around to hear my struggle.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Hi Survivor,

I don't remember, because there are so many posts on here, have you told, or would you be comfortable telling your wife of your struggle?  Removing the secrecy is one way to tame the dragon, it can not stand the light of day.

If you haven't or don't yet feel comfortable telling her, head over to http://www.reuniting.info/ if you have not been there already.  There are lots of great ideas and stories of how to reconnect with your spouse, the information there has worked wonders for me, I only wish I had found it years ago.  Tell your wife that you heard something about tantric/sacred/bonding sex and that you think you two should give it a try.  Feeling real connection really helps tame the dragon.

Even after I saw some images that in the past would have completely set me off, I don't have a strong desire to go there, mostly because my desire to be with my SO (even though by agreement she and I are orgasm free in our lovemaking for over a week now!) completely overwhelms my old cravings.  Oxytocin beats dopamine!

If you had told me a year ago that I would rather have non-orgasmic sex than PMOing, I would have said you were insane.  But it is absolutely true for me.

Be strong not only FOR your wife, but also with her.  Take off your clothes together, snuggle up, talk, kiss and laugh until your other urges melt away.

Peace and Be Strong!

 

[survivor]

Sir:

Thanks for the input.

My wife does know and, after posting my first email today, I called her to let her know I had come close to a relapse. The reason I did this is because, even though I ultimately did not go to a porn site I knew that I was still feeling guilty. I also knew she would sense my guilt when she got home from work. As a result I thought it better to be upfront right away rather than stewing about it all day, end up feeling worse and try to explain the situation after the fact so to speak.

I need to remind myself just how much of a struggle this stuff can be at times and I need to pat myself on the back for doing the right thing by talking to both her and you people rather than giving up and going to a site. It's all about progress. It was a close thing for a while and I still feel the pull however I got through the day clean. My addict doesn't like it but I have to remind myself that he does not count. My well-being is what counts.


Once again, thanks for your comments,

Survivor (Still survivin')

 

[Philonous]

Congratulations on pulling back from the abyss. That's the hardest part! I find it helps me to visualize how I would feel after I use porn. Telling myself I'll feel miserable isn't as effective as trying to picture it.

But maybe I'm not a good source of advice-- I have trouble with this, too!

 

[survivor]

Hey my friend:

You are a great source of advice! Sharing your experience with others helps us all learn a little more about this stuff.


Thanks for sharing and keep on sharing,

Survivor

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Wonderful to hear that things are still on the upside for you.  If your wife already knows of your struggle, then find a way to work more closely with her.  One reason you are doing this is to improve your relationship with her and an improved relationship will keep you from relapsing, it really can be an upward cycle!

Peace and Be Strong!