This time it is for real

[anonymous100]

I must not fail again.

I am 20 years old and don't have ED. But I have a problem. I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl, whom I love and who loves me back. But she discovered my addiction. It was not from one day to the other. We started having problems because I wanted sex so much more often than she did. She kept saying no, I kept begging. Then I started M right next to her, when she wanted to sleep -- she did help me a bit usually, even though she did not want to... I am hooked to M.

Then she found out I was PMO'ing, I forgot to close the tab. I already think that might have been the best mistake I have done in my whole life. I mean it -- we have a serious problem with trust now, I crushed her self-esteem, but I realized I have a problem. I want to get rid of that urge. Whenever I was alone in the past years, I would take it out and whip it. With or without porn, I did it every day. It of course got better when I got a girlfriend, but I fell back into it, only differently.

Now I will fight it. I tried nofap before, I always failed after a few days. Today is day 5. I am also seeking professional help, I have already scheduled appointments with psychologists. While it may seem like a common, normal, stupid, or even in my case small problem, and I fear talking to strangers about it so much, I will still do it. Maybe to prove to myself and to my girlfriend that I am committed to get out of it. But still, I will do it.

At the very same time, I have to rebuild the relationship I nearly destroyed. What we have left to connect us it the love for each other. Most everything around that disappeared. We kind of lived together at her place. She threw me out of there, of course. But we meet at least once a day. She changes between blaming me for all I did wrong (and I did and won't deny it), and being so strong, keeping it together, being my girl, acting as if nothing happened so we can still be together. I love her for that. I know it's hard for her, and I feel shitty about myself for doing this to her. But it fills me with hope that we can get back to normal, if I can get back to normal. I know she fights. I hope she sees me fighting. I hope it works out.

I found so many resources on the web, tips and tricks how to get out of it, people saying "Don't worry about the symptoms, that's normal, it'll go away" and success stories of Rebooters everywhere. That's motivating, but I feel weak with my only 5 days yet. It'll become more and more. My goal is 90 days, but I know it won't be over then. Ninety days is just the start.

I never felt like a weak person. I always resisted drugs, only recently started drinking alcohol in reasonable amounts, on special occasions. I never thought I had an addiction. I believe in myself, that I am strong enough to fight this one. But I fear the moment of relapsing, that most Rebooters eventually reach, and I fear that it will set me back and make me think it's not worth it. No matter what happens -- I will keep trying, gotta stay strong.

This is my promise to myself, my girlfriend, and everyone who listens to me. I will not give up. If I fail, I will reset the counter and start over. And if I ever get out of it, I will know it all started here.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being there. We can do this!


PS: Will anyone be my accountability partner? I have 2 in real life, but I also want to keep this journal for myself, need someone to read it at least. I know I will not show it to anyone I know.

 

[anonymous100]

So, I am going to write journal every morning now. Which basically means it's still day 5.

Yesterday was a huge success for my relationship. I went to a concert in the evening with my girlfriend, and we both forced ourselves not to think too much about what happened. We really enjoyed the time together, the drive there, the concert itself, and the drive home. Sadly, all restaurants were closed when we returned around midnight, so that plan didn't work out. I also had to bring her back to her place and drive to mine alone, but I am kind of used to it already. Just had hoped she'd stay at mine again, as she did the day before.

On the way there, she put on some music that she likes, and sang along to it. And most every song she put on matched our current situation, they were all motivational, as in "don't leave the one you love" and the like. I later asked her whether she did that on purpose, but she said no. On the concert, there was also an emotional song ending with the line "she's not the type of woman to forgive a second time". My girlfriend later said that that song matched our situation, too. I think she means she'll forgive me. I am so happy about that. When I dropped her off in the night, I asked her whether it was a good day for us. She said yes

Now, not about the relationship, but the addiction. I managed pretty well yesterday and this morning. Took my first cold shower yesterday, and another one this morning, right after getting out of bed.  I have since been super productive, did the laundry, had breakfast (which I normally skip), went to my girlfriend to take her to some place she couldn't get to with public transport, returned, now writing journal. And next thing I will clean up, get some groceries for cooking dinner with my girl, and do some work.

I also had a huge morning wood today, along with the strong urge to whip it. I fought it, and got out of bed. Felt good to feel it go away. No more.

What I am happy about:

• yesterday evening was awesome
• we'll fix our relationship
• cold showers FTW
• fought the urge once

 

[Accomplished]

I like the "What I'm happy about" thing at the end of your posts. Will implement it.

 

[Junkie_xl]

Man at least you don't have E.D and have a girlfriend. I have PIED, I don't have a girlfriend and I don't have my own place so even if I did have a girlfriend we wouldn't have a place to go to on our own. At the same time I feel like you having a girlfriend puts more pressure on you to get over PMO'ing because you want to be with her. Getting out of bed is definitely helpful because I feel that's when dudes are most tempted at least for me it is. I never tried cold showers but I don't I'm going to either. I wouldn't mind being your AP are you going to post everyday?

 

[anonymous100]

Thanks for your replies, Accomplished (really nice nick btw) and Junkie_xl. I am sure as hell gonna follow both your journals. Also, just letting you know, I plan on doing an entry every day, getting some routine. Hope to hear from you, too! No, for today...

**Day 7** - it's all gonna be good! ... ?

Yesterday was a big step forward. I had a wonderful time with my girlfriend, no need to explain the details. But at some point she asked me to lay on her back, and began to move below me. I got aroused pretty quickly. Then we talked. I had told her earlier about having to go 90 days without, but she did not grasp that that meant M only (I don't really want to talk to her about P, she is kinda sensible to that). So I explained to her that, whenever she feels like it, she has to show me in a way that can't be misunderstood, and then we can have sex. I just have to
fight the remaining urges. And I said to her no, she does not have to wear pants at night. She said all will be okay. We also had sex last night (with condom), and I blew a load so big as never before. After just 7 days without PM.

I also said to her that maybe it's good this happened. Because it a) opened my eyes that I don't want to be the way I want to be and that I can change and b) that it changed the way we treat each other, in that we don't take each other for granted anymore but can appreciate every moment together. It is also a reboot to this relationship.

Now, today is my first appointment with a psychologist. I am scared of that, and I fear I don't need it -- like, I'd feel bad for going there and getting to hear "that's not a real problem you have there!". I looked up sex addiction or similar stuff in the list of officially recognized illnesses of my country (or is that international?), and the only thing I found was "increased sexual drive". Whatever, I gotta go through this, maybe it won't be that bad.

What I'm happy about

• same as last time
• plus sex, its gotten better

 

[Junkie_xl]

Man hopefully when you do go to the psychologist they don't tell you something you already know or anything that's not helpful. The fact that you have the balls to go to a psychologist and talk to them about is pretty brave because ik I wouldn't. Like I said though at least you have you have your girlfriend to help you out and if the sex got better that always a good sign. Keep going through with it dude.

 

[anonymous100]

Therapy sucks. Wasn't that bad, but didn't reveal anything new, anything I could work on. Probably won't continue with it. But got a second session anyways.

Relationship is mostly fixed.

What I'm happy about.

• one week, new record!
• had a job interview, probably got the job
• life has already gotten better
• blue balls, yeah!

 

[anonymous100]

Good morning rebooters! This is day 8, and I am changing my rules. I just got up from bed, after I edged for nearly 20 minutes. So now I forbid myself edging. That's right, the very moment I feel like I could orgasm but stop slightly before, that'll be the moment I'll reset my counter.

I got blue balls. No, they are still normal colored, but are way more sensitive to pressure than usual and I am super horny all the time. Maybe this evening, when my girl comes over to my place, they'll be relieved. But that's her call.

Job interview went great. Relationship's going great. Maybe I should stop posting here, since most everything that happens to me right now is awesome and that might make others feel even worse?

What I'm happy about.

• probably got the job
• new rules, no more edging
• today will be great

 

[Junkie_xl]

Man will edging will get you every time that's like the number one way to relapse. Its like you want to orgasm but at the same time you do. Dude you can be edging for like almost a hour and not even realize it. One thing that will definitely make you rethink edging is blue balls because it hurts so bad. Yeah you should keep posting though if anything it'll make people feel more inspired.

 

[anonymous100]

So... day 12 or so? Haven't posted in a while. What happened?

I've seen another therapist.  That was pretty good. Relationship is doing great, with only small moments when she's mad at me.

Nearly edged just now. That's why I'm writing. I had it in my hand already, and an anonymous browsing window open. But nope, I force myself to write until I can bear it and next thing I'll do is take a cold shower. Had that planned anyway.

Yesterday I went to my first Taekwon-Do training. That was awesome. I never did martial arts (tried it once, long time ago). I think it's great, I had a lot of fun and did sweat a lot, but felt so great afterwards. Never even really did sports as a means to improve the relationship with my body. I think this is gonna be huge for me.

Going on vacation with my girlfriend on Thursday. There will probably be even less journal entries then, but I try to stick to it, at least when I come back. I feel it helps me. This forum is kind of like the support group my therapist already suggested, only anonymous (yeah, easier to talk freely). I figured nobody would need to lie in an anonymous online self-help forum, so we can pretty much trust each other. I like that.

What I'm happy about.

• got the job
• fought the urge to edge
• nearly 2 weeks
• started Taekwon-Do

 

[anonymous100]

So.... more than a month. I have edged in between (mostly in the morning, in the bathroom). But I always stopped myself before I went too far.

I've had a lot of sex. It's gotten even better. I feel free to initiate again, and she likes it. That's good.

The vacation was great. Went to the sea. Swam in the ocean.

I don't think I need this forum anymore, but guys, you helped me a lot. Just knowing someone else is doing the same, is having the same problems, that helps to stay strong. Y'all can do it, if you know what you're fighting for.

53 days left on the counter. Seems doable.