Having a tough time

[survivor]

Survivor here.

Really struggling right now. I'm home by myself and the craving is very powerful. The way I'm feeling I don't even care if I let it all go. I really want what I have not had for about four weeks.

But... dammit but there's always a but! But... I've got to hang in there and get through this sober. I know if I take a peek it will take me right back to where I left off. And I know I'll get caught again and that will be a really bad scene. Don't want that to happen. Gotta get back to being busy outside again.

I said this once before. Even stopping for lunch can be a struggle at times.

Anyway, gotta turn off this computer, get out of this chair and get my butt outside.

Thanks to all for making this site happen so people like us have an opportunity to share what's going on with us in a safe environment.


Cheers!

 

[NewVerse]

Survivor here.

Really struggling right now. I'm home by myself and the craving is very powerful. The way I'm feeling I don't even care if I let it all go. I really want what I have not had for about four weeks.

But... dammit but there's always a but! But... I've got to hang in there and get through this sober. I know if I take a peek it will take me right back to where I left off. And I know I'll get caught again and that will be a really bad scene. Don't want that to happen. Gotta get back to being busy outside again.

I said this once before. Even stopping for lunch can be a struggle at times.

Anyway, gotta turn off this computer, get out of this chair and get my butt outside.

Thanks to all for making this site happen so people like us have an opportunity to share what's going on with us in a safe environment.


Cheers!

The key (which i'm still trying to master) is to focus on being clean rather than relapse. In many ways I hate it's that simple. Our minds have tricked us into thinking relapse is the path of least resistance, when technically, not slipping requires us to not do anything at all.  Somehow our wiring has it backwards.
Getting out of the house is a good idea though.

Hang in there, man.
NV

 

[Philonous]

If you're meditating, that can be helpful, too. If you're not meditating, you should consider it. I know that YBOP recommends it.  Good luck!

 

[survivor]

Hey guys!

Thanks for your input.

Philonous you are right on re: meditating. It's something I have been starting my day with for the past 18 years. It gets me off (no pun intended) on the right foot. But for some reason, until I read your note, it never entered my mind to meditate in the middle of the day when I'm struggling. DUH! Maybe a holdover from my working days. I never thought I had time to stop and gather my thoughts when I was working. Always too many deadlines to meet. I will try meditating when I'm struggling. Meditating always puts me in a better zone.

NewVerse that is a very astute observation. You're right. I have always viewed the process of staying clean as requiring tremendous effort which then becomes very emotionally, physically and mentally draining, when in fact it takes no effort at all. It' a process of NO EFFORT! A very interesting way to look at it. 

Clean another day.


Good night,

Survivor

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Yes, Survivor, you have hit on something very important there, "no effort."  In Buddhist meditation, as you probably know, you are not trying to stop your thoughts, but rather just acknowledge them and let them go.  Or as in my (and many others) bumpersticker summary, "You don't have to believe every thing you think."

Acknowledge those thoughts and let them go.  And keep remembering how good you will feel when there is nothing for you to be "caught" at.  Just imagine the delight on your wife's face when she finds you mowing the lawn or washing her car rather than scrambling away from the laptop.

Peace and Stay Strong!

 

[Brooklyn Jerry]

Survivor, I know if I can do it so can you.for sure by now,I would have been looking at some of my favorite sites, then on the sex forum and checking craigslist for swingers adds.my lady for sure isn't into that scene, but unbeknownst to her I sent some pictures of her and I to some couples and swapped photos. Going on five days and I feel great. Hang in there.

 

[Brooklyn Jerry]

Survivor, I know if I can do it so can you.for sure by now,I would have been looking at some of my favorite sites, then on the sex forum and checking craigslist for swingers adds.my lady for sure isn't into that scene, but unbeknownst to her I sent some pictures of her and I to some couples and swapped photos. Going on five days and I feel great. Hang in there.

 

[survivor]

Survivor here.

Thanks for all the input guys.

I have to come clean to everyone by saying that ten minutes ago I had a peek. Lasted about ten seconds and the first one in over three weeks. However, I feel the endorphin surge in my brain and know that I have put myself in a precarious situation.

My wife and I are leaving shortly on a six day trip to a city about six hours from here in response to a medical issue. These six days in close proximity to her should give me enough time to get the chemical surge out of my head and allow me to get back on track.

Don't want this to progress any farther than it did this morning. I know where it will take me and what it will do to me. I need to remember how destructive this stuff is and I also need to remember how good my life is without it.

I have to be honest again. I know if I had gone to this site prior to peeking I would not have peeked. But instead I deliberately peeked first so that I could get my little hit and then be accountable after the fact. Not how it works Survivor! Check in with your friends first!

Still recovering and still in the game with all of you. I'm going to look at this as a blip in the system and keep moving forward.


Cheers!

 

[OldHornyGuy]

That's all it was, a small bump in the road.  In some ways it shows your strength. 

But don't do it again!

Good luck on your time away, take it as an opportunity to truly reconnect with your wife.  It is connection that really saves us!

Peace and Be Strong!

 

[Viper]

Yeah,
it feels good to know you're not alone in this struggle.
And the temptation comes from things entering your mind
that I won't get into with this post.
But one thing is for sure, I know you can get through this.
It's all one day at a time.