Survivor here.
Last night, while my wife slept in the hotel bed next to mine, I went and had a long look, ended up masturbating in the bathroom and put an end to approx. 26 days of sobriety.
This morning, even though I got 8 hours sleep, I woke up tired, anxious, full of shame, fearful of getting caught, lacking in self respect and once again carrying a secret as I tried to act perfectly normal in front of my wife. Another classic porn hangover. But... where do I go from here?
See the positive:
1) I had 26 clean days, the longest period of sobriety that I've had in a very long time.
2) I was reminded once again of all the negative feelings attached to this stuff and also reminded of how much I don't want to feel them, how much this stuff impacts my life in a detrimental manner.
3) I was reminded of how important it is for me to keep in touch with you people. Also reminded of how my devious little brain will keep secrets. Having this slip was on my mind all day yesterday. However, rather than telling my wife that I was in slippery territory I kept it to myself because I had already made up my mind 10 hours prior to my slip that I was going to have a slip. I kept it inside rather than exposing it to the light of recovery. If I had mentioned to her how I was feeling earlier I would have made myself accountable to her for any actions that may have occurred later and, as a result, I know I would not have done what I did because I know she would have asked me how I made out. But... as mentioned above, my devious little brain had already worked everything out.
I don't like to acknowledge to myself that I can be devious. I don't want to acknowledge that being devious is a part of my personality. But it is. It's a character defect that I use at times like this when I want my fix. As the phrase goes "Honesty is the best policy." I have been somewhat less than honest in this situation.
4) However, the big one. I'm still a perfectly normal member of the human race. I'm still a good husband. I am wrestling with an affliction that has been part of my life for approx. 50 years. It's not going to go away overnight just because I want it to. It requires work, it requires commitment and it requires persistence on my part to keep coming back and starting over in spite of what has just happened. I am not going to let this stuff ruin my life. My life is too good for that. So... pick myself up, hold the line so I don't slip again tonight, break the cycle before it becomes a cycle again and push forward for a period of sobriety longer than 26 days. I can't promise I'll never go there again. I can say however that I know I can go longer than 26 days.
Anyway, gotta believe in myself, gotta stay away from shame, gotta keep workin' at this stuff, gotta keep in touch with you people and gotta honour myself for who I am.
Onward and upward.
Last night, while my wife slept in the hotel bed next to mine, I went and had a long look, ended up masturbating in the bathroom and put an end to approx. 26 days of sobriety.
This morning, even though I got 8 hours sleep, I woke up tired, anxious, full of shame, fearful of getting caught, lacking in self respect and once again carrying a secret as I tried to act perfectly normal in front of my wife. Another classic porn hangover. But... where do I go from here?
See the positive:
1) I had 26 clean days, the longest period of sobriety that I've had in a very long time.
2) I was reminded once again of all the negative feelings attached to this stuff and also reminded of how much I don't want to feel them, how much this stuff impacts my life in a detrimental manner.
3) I was reminded of how important it is for me to keep in touch with you people. Also reminded of how my devious little brain will keep secrets. Having this slip was on my mind all day yesterday. However, rather than telling my wife that I was in slippery territory I kept it to myself because I had already made up my mind 10 hours prior to my slip that I was going to have a slip. I kept it inside rather than exposing it to the light of recovery. If I had mentioned to her how I was feeling earlier I would have made myself accountable to her for any actions that may have occurred later and, as a result, I know I would not have done what I did because I know she would have asked me how I made out. But... as mentioned above, my devious little brain had already worked everything out.
I don't like to acknowledge to myself that I can be devious. I don't want to acknowledge that being devious is a part of my personality. But it is. It's a character defect that I use at times like this when I want my fix. As the phrase goes "Honesty is the best policy." I have been somewhat less than honest in this situation.
4) However, the big one. I'm still a perfectly normal member of the human race. I'm still a good husband. I am wrestling with an affliction that has been part of my life for approx. 50 years. It's not going to go away overnight just because I want it to. It requires work, it requires commitment and it requires persistence on my part to keep coming back and starting over in spite of what has just happened. I am not going to let this stuff ruin my life. My life is too good for that. So... pick myself up, hold the line so I don't slip again tonight, break the cycle before it becomes a cycle again and push forward for a period of sobriety longer than 26 days. I can't promise I'll never go there again. I can say however that I know I can go longer than 26 days.
Anyway, gotta believe in myself, gotta stay away from shame, gotta keep workin' at this stuff, gotta keep in touch with you people and gotta honour myself for who I am.
Onward and upward.
