Peeked again!

[survivor]

Survivor here.

Peeked again for five minutes!

But I turned it off and clicked on this site to talk to you people instead. The pull is strong but I'm gonna shut down and get to bed.

I know I'm in a bad place again. Don't know what to say. I feel like I've let my wife down, let you people down and let myself down.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Well, you didn't lie to yourself or try to make excuses. You owned it. This is progress. You are gaining control, even if it might feel like you aren't.

 

[survivor]

Sir:

Thanks for your comments.

I own this stuff. Nobody but me. And I also own the ability to drop it. I simply need to throw the switch in my brain in the right direction. The switch was locked in positive mode for about 26 days but, due to a lack of total vigilance, I stopped paying full attention. I believed I could keep certain thoughts to myself because I believed I could control them. Well... 'Wrongo!' The answer is for me to tell my wife right away that I'm in a slippery place. I've done that before and it works. By acknowledging that I'm in a slippery place I don't slip! Funny how that works. But, truth be told, this time I did not say anything because I wanted to slip. I saw it coming on for a few days. Instead of cutting the thoughts off as soon as they began I continued to play with them in my head. As a result they festered and gradually took up more and more space in my head until they became the primary thoughts in my head. This stuff starts out so subtle until it suddenly has all the subtlety of a Sherman tank driving over me at full speed. Then it's too late to stop it. Need to stop it before it starts, when it's just a tiny niggle in the back of my brain. That's the part that I find difficult because, at that time the niggle is so minute I believe I can control it. "No need to say anything about this. It's nothing!" Well... obviously it's NOT nothing. That's what I mean about having to be hyper vigilant. I can't take anything for granted.

What it really comes down to is that a large part of me loves this stuff and the thought of living without it for the rest of my life seems to be more than I can bear at times. Sometimes I have that concept under control and sometimes I don't. I think that's the core issue for me, the ability to accept unconditionally that I can NEVER go there again. I don't do well with NEVER. The rebellious part of myself goes "Oh yeah, well I'll show you!", as opposed to being humble. I believe humble is a good thing. It keeps me human. At the same time I tend to equate humble with humiliation. That's when my hackles go up and the "I'm gonna do what I want to do and F**K anybody that tries to stop me!" attitude comes up.

However, it's a new day. The sun is shining, I still have a loving wife and a great life and I'm starting again.


Thanks again,

SUrvivor

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Sir:

Thanks for your comments.

I own this stuff. Nobody but me. And I also own the ability to drop it. I simply need to throw the switch in my brain in the right direction. The switch was locked in positive mode for about 26 days but, due to a lack of total vigilance, I stopped paying full attention. I believed I could keep certain thoughts to myself because I believed I could control them. Well... 'Wrongo!' The answer is for me to tell my wife right away that I'm in a slippery place. I've done that before and it works. By acknowledging that I'm in a slippery place I don't slip! Funny how that works. But, truth be told, this time I did not say anything because I wanted to slip. I saw it coming on for a few days. Instead of cutting the thoughts off as soon as they began I continued to play with them in my head. As a result they festered and gradually took up more and more space in my head until they became the primary thoughts in my head. This stuff starts out so subtle until it suddenly has all the subtlety of a Sherman tank driving over me at full speed. Then it's too late to stop it. Need to stop it before it starts, when it's just a tiny niggle in the back of my brain. That's the part that I find difficult because, at that time the niggle is so minute I believe I can control it. "No need to say anything about this. It's nothing!" Well... obviously it's NOT nothing. That's what I mean about having to be hyper vigilant. I can't take anything for granted.

What it really comes down to is that a large part of me loves this stuff and the thought of living without it for the rest of my life seems to be more than I can bear at times. Sometimes I have that concept under control and sometimes I don't. I think that's the core issue for me, the ability to accept unconditionally that I can NEVER go there again. I don't do well with NEVER. The rebellious part of myself goes "Oh yeah, well I'll show you!", as opposed to being humble. I believe humble is a good thing. It keeps me human. At the same time I tend to equate humble with humiliation. That's when my hackles go up and the "I'm gonna do what I want to do and F**K anybody that tries to stop me!" attitude comes up.

However, it's a new day. The sun is shining, I still have a loving wife and a great life and I'm starting again.


Thanks again,

SUrvivor

You will have some really absurd thoughts as you reboot. It was crazy town here as my husband got control over the urges. Furious with me for some imaginary crime that victimized his personal specialness. So angry that I set up his new office promotions so the phone would ring with clients! Meh, it's a phase if you let it be one and don't fall back into the old ways.

It takes some time, but it works out if you can stay focused on the plan. Post here more when you see triggers coming or observe yourself constructing stress just so you can concoct an excuse to PMO or give up. It helps to really take a step back, don't fall for your own delusions.

Happy healing, it does get easier.

 

[survivor]

Good afternoon:

Thanks for being there. I'm feeling a little bit shaky right now but I will make it through the day.

I've had a very enjoyable afternoon with my wife. It's times like this that I am reminded of how much she loves me and how much I love her. Nothing is worth losing that bond.


Cheers!

Survivor