Sorry guys for not replying for so long. I have been in the hospital for a week, because I got really sick (nothing psychological- or NoFap-related, don't worry
). But hey, lucky me, eh?
Anyway, I read your answers over and over again and I just want to speak out a big THANKS to all of you. I love you guys, thanks for being helpful to a depressed fellow fapstronaut!
Triptonicmaph said:
U might be facing those last fews high hurdles before u come out of this bullcrap or if not, just wait for some more time.
That's exactly my plan.
Thanks, man!
William said:
One thing I will say--and I do not know the details of your reboot--is that for the withdrawals to go away it is necessary to avoid your triggers. It is not enough just to quit PMO, one must avoid hypersexualized thoughts during the reboot. That was a hard lesson for me to learn.
I think I have to work on that a lot more. I try to change my thoughts when hypersexualized stuff pops up in my head, but sometimes it's really difficult. But I work on that. Thanks buddy!
SebUK said:
First of all, it's really s*** that you are feeling like this after doing so well. That sucks.
Second of all, you should keep going and push through. Why? Because all the research on this site says so! It may take longer than 90 days apparently. Which again sucks - because 90 days is a bloody long time.
Lastly, perhaps your depression is related to something separate? Depression is a serious issue by itself, and isn't necessarily linked to porn addiction. I've had it before too and in my case it was brought on by a bad relationship breakup - not porn relapses. So it may be worth talking to your doctor about - to look at therapy or medication.
I often think that once I get on top of my addiction, other mental health problems that have been suppressed by my porn addiction may emerge. This is certainly the case for some of the guys in my therapy group. They were addicted to porn, and got control over it, and then discovered other issues they needed to work out (generally childhood traumas). There is no way to sugar coat that, it seems really unfair. And yet that's what life is, isn't it? Problem solving.
I've been thinking so much about that. I just can't find no good reason why I should be depressed at all. And the time when depression kicked in (14 days into nofap) - this is typical time when withdrawals kick in if you stop an addiction, I did a lot of research and this is often the timespan that has been reported. The last days it got way better, maybe I get back to normal brain chemistry now, but it could be a false dawn too. I don't know. I just keep going. Thank for your help, buddy!
William said:
You asked a question: How do I learn to "love" withdrawals? Well of course, you cannot. We hate them. We hate withdrawals as much as we love a dopamine high, and we really, really love that. In fact, if it was not for the adverse consequences they bring, we would probably never stop.
I think 100 days is fantastic. What you may not appreciate, but what I see, is that you are making great fucking progress. How? You are experiencing the withdrawals, but you are not relapsing. Why not? Because you choose not to. Ultimately, quitting porn is a choice. Right now the choice is still hard for you, but you are still making it. All you have to is scroll through these forums and see guys who are choosing not to. You are making the hard choice, the one that many guys here cannot or will not make. They think they cannot make it, they think they "have to" relapse. It is hard for you right now because you have elevated yourself to the place where though you would love to ride that high, you know you "don't have" to do it. This means you are regaining control.
I promise you, if you keep going, it gets easier. Those horrible feeling weaken, and eventually, go away. I did not post totally clean until I was clean for about 5 months. I kept worrying I might relapse. It was around 5 months that I posted clean and said I will never go back. And I never will. I will never be the slave I was.
As for learning to love withdrawals it is simply a method I developed for facing the inevitable. Withdrawals are inevitable. They are even necessary. For porn addicts they are actually a good thing, that is your brain rebooting. It does not want to reboot, it wants to stay high, but if you want to get back to normal, you cannot keep feeding that drug addiction. You've read the thread. Go back to page 1, watch the Wilson vid. Watch it over and over and over again if that is what it takes, but...don't ever go back. Keep going, porn is not an option. The question for you is, are you a slave to porn or are you a free man? A guy who makes it 100 days, that is a guy who will not break. I jokingly say, quitting porn addiction means I will never break under torture. I don't think you would either.
Peace.
I read that post over and over again. Awesome man, thanks, you rock! You're so fucking right. I choose this way and even though I have to face withdrawals, I keep going. I know that some day I will look back and say to myself "buddy, best choice you've ever made!". Years of PMOing, a few months of feeling like pure shit is a payable price, I guess.
fugu said:
No problem man! I replied fast because I've definitely been where you are before.
I was kinda the same way as you before I decided to quit PMO. While everything was good for me, it was an artificial good - I lived life inside a perfect box with the little things that I needed (porn, video games, etc.). While I'm sure your situation isn't exactly the same, maybe you can relate a little bit.
When I quit, I felt up and down for about 40 days. Really high, really low. I eventually had the "superpowers" that everyone claimed and then crashed after a MO session without P. After that, I definitely struggled with some depression...but anxiety was my main thing. Either way, I was mentally volatile and unhappy feeling. My commit was like yours - I HAVE to keep going. I knew that this was clearly a problem in my life, and I had to fix it.
I'll be honest - it took me nearly 12 months to say I saw huge improvements with my anxiety and depression. But don't let this discourage you, though! The rewards along the way are completely worth it. I slowly began to accumulate positive improvements and feelings in my life due to rebooting around 4-5 month mark, and they added up in a big, noticeable way around a year into it. The best and most important commitment I've every stuck with in my life.
If it takes 12 months, I'll go 12 months. PMO is not an option anymore. To be honest, looking back at my old I sitting in front of a PC and jerking off to some weird P gives me a feeling of disgust and shame. This time is over. Forever. Period.
Thanks, my friend!
chiefmitch88 said:
I was glad to come across this post. I really understand what you are going through Gordie.
While I am nowhere close to 100 days I am in the midst of struggling with depression and anxiety. My energy level is at an all time low. I work two jobs and that doesn't help either. Most days I worry that my life and my marriage will never get back to the place it once was. When I have these feelings of dread I try to tell myself that this is just my brain getting anxious for its fix. My brain enjoys the euphoria of being soaked in dopamine because all of the world's troubles seem to melt away. When what is happening here in the real world is that I am just self-medicating with an escape into porn. I am just a rat in a luxurious cage that I breathed life into by dedicating my thoughts to it. While PMO feels good in the moment it is truly impeding your progress on the path of your life. I think of myself as straying from that path whenever I indulge the shallow desires my reptile brain craves. I have control of that pleasure center I am will engage it when the time is right, with someone I love.
Keep the faith, life is not a linear journey, find happiness in the simplest summits and trudge through the valleys holding to some small hope. That feeling of exhaustion you're experiencing is your body gaining its strength back. Persevere.
"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving." -Einstein
Thank you so much, bro! We can make it both trough! We will not stop fighting. We will prevail!
Vincent said:
Hey, 100 Days are impressive!
The one thing you shall not do now is to fret. I know what you described above, because it is the one thing I fear the most: what if it does not work? And yes, you have all rights to be afraid. You did 100 Days of no fap and you still do have Withdrawal symptoms, you still are not cured.
The only impotant thing right now however is:
why are you still continuing?
The thing you are experiencing right now is a panic attack. You worked towards a goal, you wanted to achieve something after the 90 Days (event took 10 extra) and now the desired result, of which so much was written still is not there. Was it all in vain? Did you waste 100 Days?
Do me a favour and answer me these questions:
1. what kind of withdrawal symptoms do you get after 100 Days and how are they affecting your everyday life?
2. You socialize, work out and are active. try to explain, where your depression stemms from, if not from that.
3. Why is it that makes you anxious right now, at this moment (write exactly how you feel about your life at this instant)
These Questions, although modified, are part of a therapy I did. It can help to explore one's fears and render them meaningless. I usually do not like to refer to military terms but this is just too accurate:
spot the problem, analyze the problem, neutralize it.
Please remember that there is no accurate science backing all the rebbot. it is up to us to make this a common science. be it 100 or 500 Days, your aim eventually might be living without porn. Benefits also will pop up during situations that you would never have experienced if wasted this time with porn. I will not say "wait for it". But you need to figure out your own way and the best way to do so is to ride the storm!
carry on, my friend!
Hey, thanks for your help, buddy! I know I did not waste 100 days, but sometimes it gets so frustrating as you can imagine. But I continue, no matter what. I made a decision 100 days ago and I stick to that, whatever it takes.
1. I still get bouts of depression and rare anxiety (for no obvious reason). They can last a few minutes or hours (like lateley) or the whole day (months before hitting ~103 days). They can be not so intense so that I just feel down a bit or they can be so intense that suicidal thoughts are running trough my mind (no, I will never be suicidal, don't worry). It does affect my everyday life in a way that I am not as social or talkative anymore like I used to be. My confidence is much lower than before NoFap. I live in my head for the time depression is there and I usually try to avoid people and discussions until it gets a little bit better.
2. Depression comes out of nowhere. Like, for no obvious reason.
3. Right now I am pretty hopeful again that all this rebooting process thing is working. I don't feel depressed at the moment, I don't feel awesome, but hey, slowly it might fade.
Thanks, buddy! Yeah that's the problem with this process. It's all so vague. There's no actual science behind it and all I need is hope and sometimes I lose that and freak out, especially when bouts of depression kick in. But I keep going. Next goal: 10.000 days.
HiroP said:
I once did 100 days, and then I starting liberties, and then, little by little, I ended up back where I'd started. And now, a few years later, I'm telling myself that if I'd pressed on and given it more time, my life would likely be completely different right now. Don't do that to yourself; stick with it if you can. There's nothing worse than looking in the rear-view mirror and seeing what might have been.
PMO is not an option anymore, thanks my friend.
