Newborn Brain
Member
My Journey - Part I
Some time ago I started seeing myself as one who is traveling through this period of life called mortality, and so I try to look at the others around me, who are also heading for something during their own journey.
At 12 I took a ride with a woman (the older daughter of my mother's employers - my mother was their maid) in pornography, I'd say, accidently, once I was there helping out when I saw her (I don't remember exactly how it was) watching porn and later that week I had the chance to see myself her video tapes when she was not home.
That was the beginning of it, I guess. I was a young gay boy, still in love with some guys from school and from my neighborhood, who didn't know a lot about life and its hazards.
But the possibility of safe masturbation and fantasizing about me and men with huge penes, being loved by them, must have stung me, because I could not stop doing it for a long time...
Of course I had sex with guys my age, but the sex with them was not really good and I believe that what I wanted was to have sex with handsome guys with great bodies as they were pictures in the movies - of course I dreamed about being loved and desired by those males with their huge things and stunning bodies!
I never considered myself an attractive young man - in fact, I could never really identify with the term "man" when used to describe me. I was sure I liked males and their masculinity, but I was not sure whether I was gay or not, because I sometimes felt attracted to girls, as well - but I didn't feel MAN enough to be in a boy/girl relationship.
I think this has something to do with the fact I was psychologically abused by my father when I was 4 or 5 (he did this to all family members, so it wouldn't be different with me) and I was sexually abused by my 18 year old cousin (I was 8 by then) when visiting my relatives some weekend in my childhood. He tried to force his penis into my anus and that was one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had in my whole life.
My father was an alcoholic and harassed our mother, and, of course, all of us (we were 6 in the house, I am the youngest of all). I was always scared and had the life I could die any moment because of the assaults (physical and verbal) and sometimes he would threaten us - including me, a kid - with a ax, saying he would kill us any one of us who didn't behave as he wanted to or that simply did something he didn't like...
Some time ago I started seeing myself as one who is traveling through this period of life called mortality, and so I try to look at the others around me, who are also heading for something during their own journey.
At 12 I took a ride with a woman (the older daughter of my mother's employers - my mother was their maid) in pornography, I'd say, accidently, once I was there helping out when I saw her (I don't remember exactly how it was) watching porn and later that week I had the chance to see myself her video tapes when she was not home.
That was the beginning of it, I guess. I was a young gay boy, still in love with some guys from school and from my neighborhood, who didn't know a lot about life and its hazards.
But the possibility of safe masturbation and fantasizing about me and men with huge penes, being loved by them, must have stung me, because I could not stop doing it for a long time...
Of course I had sex with guys my age, but the sex with them was not really good and I believe that what I wanted was to have sex with handsome guys with great bodies as they were pictures in the movies - of course I dreamed about being loved and desired by those males with their huge things and stunning bodies!
I never considered myself an attractive young man - in fact, I could never really identify with the term "man" when used to describe me. I was sure I liked males and their masculinity, but I was not sure whether I was gay or not, because I sometimes felt attracted to girls, as well - but I didn't feel MAN enough to be in a boy/girl relationship.
I think this has something to do with the fact I was psychologically abused by my father when I was 4 or 5 (he did this to all family members, so it wouldn't be different with me) and I was sexually abused by my 18 year old cousin (I was 8 by then) when visiting my relatives some weekend in my childhood. He tried to force his penis into my anus and that was one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had in my whole life.
My father was an alcoholic and harassed our mother, and, of course, all of us (we were 6 in the house, I am the youngest of all). I was always scared and had the life I could die any moment because of the assaults (physical and verbal) and sometimes he would threaten us - including me, a kid - with a ax, saying he would kill us any one of us who didn't behave as he wanted to or that simply did something he didn't like...
