FrancisXHummel
Member
Hello everyone,
Where to begin... it seems like this has been going on for so long. It is the one thing in my life that sticks out to me like a sore thumb. A habit I know is unhealthy, that has a clear, damaging effect on my relationships. I am 26 years old, now living alone in a house I rented originally with my now ex-girlfriend. I ended my relationship with her after losing all sexual attraction to her. I had an awareness that it was porn that caused this for me, but instead of being able to quit the porn, I quit the relationship. There were other reasons that the relationship failed, but I think part of it, perhaps a large part, was due to my porn addiction. We rarely had sex, and mostly because I almost never initiated. I would watch porn every night, and try to sneak it in any way I could (my computer was in our bedroom). I've been watching porn for, oh probably over a decade now. My habits grow more and more extreme - I have watched rape porn for several years now, and in general look at very misogynistic material. I am obviously not proud of this, and each time I try to quit and fail brings me feeling worse and worse as I watch the same extreme material and feeling trapped in a cycle of trying to escape but always winding back up here. I've tried to quit several times, unsuccessfully. I even joined a forum before (I thought it was this one actually, but I guess my mind fails me.) Sometimes I will find myself burning several hours of my night just to stay up late trying to find that perfect scene, I must have wasted several months of time in my life just searching for porn.
And here I am today, a decade on sitting with the same addiction. I believe the longest I ever made it was 20 days without PMO during this time. I want it to end so badly, this addiction is time-consuming and is having obviously negative effects on my social and romantic lives. I am making this journal in the hopes that I can start to keep a new habit to replace the old one with. Instead of spending my nights perusing the web for porn I can spend my nights writing journal entries. Then again, my sleep usually goes to hell very quickly and I find myself tossing and turning all night. I've become so reliant on masturbation I use it as a sleep aid. My nights are usually composed of me watching porn or, on the nights when I avoid porn, I end up tossing and turning for an hour until I cave and watch porn and masturbate just so I can sleep (which I fall asleep almost immediately after doing so.)
I want what every other guy on this forum wants. The porn addiction to end, and to feel normal. I feel like I have this huge secret I carry around with me, like I'm always hiding something, that I'm a different person at home alone around a computer than I am amongst friends. I want to just end this addiction once and for all, but I'm going to need all the help I can get along the way. I hope by writing these journal entries and getting feedback from people I can finally achieve the mental freedom I need.
Where to begin... it seems like this has been going on for so long. It is the one thing in my life that sticks out to me like a sore thumb. A habit I know is unhealthy, that has a clear, damaging effect on my relationships. I am 26 years old, now living alone in a house I rented originally with my now ex-girlfriend. I ended my relationship with her after losing all sexual attraction to her. I had an awareness that it was porn that caused this for me, but instead of being able to quit the porn, I quit the relationship. There were other reasons that the relationship failed, but I think part of it, perhaps a large part, was due to my porn addiction. We rarely had sex, and mostly because I almost never initiated. I would watch porn every night, and try to sneak it in any way I could (my computer was in our bedroom). I've been watching porn for, oh probably over a decade now. My habits grow more and more extreme - I have watched rape porn for several years now, and in general look at very misogynistic material. I am obviously not proud of this, and each time I try to quit and fail brings me feeling worse and worse as I watch the same extreme material and feeling trapped in a cycle of trying to escape but always winding back up here. I've tried to quit several times, unsuccessfully. I even joined a forum before (I thought it was this one actually, but I guess my mind fails me.) Sometimes I will find myself burning several hours of my night just to stay up late trying to find that perfect scene, I must have wasted several months of time in my life just searching for porn.
And here I am today, a decade on sitting with the same addiction. I believe the longest I ever made it was 20 days without PMO during this time. I want it to end so badly, this addiction is time-consuming and is having obviously negative effects on my social and romantic lives. I am making this journal in the hopes that I can start to keep a new habit to replace the old one with. Instead of spending my nights perusing the web for porn I can spend my nights writing journal entries. Then again, my sleep usually goes to hell very quickly and I find myself tossing and turning all night. I've become so reliant on masturbation I use it as a sleep aid. My nights are usually composed of me watching porn or, on the nights when I avoid porn, I end up tossing and turning for an hour until I cave and watch porn and masturbate just so I can sleep (which I fall asleep almost immediately after doing so.)
I want what every other guy on this forum wants. The porn addiction to end, and to feel normal. I feel like I have this huge secret I carry around with me, like I'm always hiding something, that I'm a different person at home alone around a computer than I am amongst friends. I want to just end this addiction once and for all, but I'm going to need all the help I can get along the way. I hope by writing these journal entries and getting feedback from people I can finally achieve the mental freedom I need.
