Thought_Addict
Member
This journey for me is one that is merged with quitting smoking....I'm eliminating all external need or dependance. I find the anonymity of the forum also makes it much easier for me to "keep certain things to myself." I do journal a lot but this seems like a very appropriate vehicle for now.
It wasn't until I heard about social anxiety and confidence issues somehow being linked to porn addiction that I connected the dots and realised that I've been using Porn to escape of an evening every single night since a break up that really hurt me. I was so shattered by this break up for a couple of weeks that I would on and off just stay in bed all day....often not showering or eating, just chain smoking and drinking coffee.
I somehow got to a place where the only way I could get myself in the shower was by watching porn first...even then not always a proper shower, just ejaculating.....I realised this has been the case every day for 3 months straight, pretty much without missing a day.
Last night was particularly alarming to the point I actively looked up porn addiction afterwards.....during that session I basically couldn't stop until I had a prolonged shot on the screen of the girl getting f#cked in a position that does it for me....i could have been 3-4 hours of watching different porn stars looking for the "right 30 seconds" to cum.
The over stimulation based stuff I've read makes sense as to why I intuitively freaked out....I was watching more porn than I have since I was a teenager + texting filthy msgs back and forth with an old ex gf who I did heavy drugs with while also looking at Facebook and a girls pics who all signs are pointing to sex if i want it (taboo due to being a friends ex) AND....monitoring my own Facebook for 'LIKE's on a post I made earlier that day..........OVERDOSE PERHAPS??
Well thats my story....of how I got here, but Ive also been intermittently socially awkward and couldn't figure out why other times Im the leader of the social interactions with unshakeable confidence......I believe its during these times Im not watching Porn, have a solid amount of savings in the bank, am progressing with my art and am grateful for whatever I have....its during this state I seem to attract a girlfriend time and time again.....Im still fishing through my memories to see if PORN being reintroduced at any point has occurred and triggered a social anxiety & confidence loss that seems to happen time and time again with each partner to the point where I have the biggest doubts in my mind regarding "maintaing" the relationship - Its at this point I basically start being fearful, I'm not funny or relaxed anymore and possibly even paranoid.....I start calculating a persona to try match the one that attracted them, putting on a mask "until I can figure this out." But I never did......Id study personal development at the expense of the rest of my life all day looking for answers and looking for more and more information. Analysis Paralysis.
When I wasn't studying personal development I was wearing a mask, and when the day was done - I'd masturbate and wake up the next day painfully anxious again.
At other times in life I've also had marijuana + spiritual documentaries filling that late night time slot instead of porn.....but often times porn would be tacked onto that escapism in a stoned state too.
I'm excited about the changes ahead.
It wasn't until I heard about social anxiety and confidence issues somehow being linked to porn addiction that I connected the dots and realised that I've been using Porn to escape of an evening every single night since a break up that really hurt me. I was so shattered by this break up for a couple of weeks that I would on and off just stay in bed all day....often not showering or eating, just chain smoking and drinking coffee.
I somehow got to a place where the only way I could get myself in the shower was by watching porn first...even then not always a proper shower, just ejaculating.....I realised this has been the case every day for 3 months straight, pretty much without missing a day.
Last night was particularly alarming to the point I actively looked up porn addiction afterwards.....during that session I basically couldn't stop until I had a prolonged shot on the screen of the girl getting f#cked in a position that does it for me....i could have been 3-4 hours of watching different porn stars looking for the "right 30 seconds" to cum.
The over stimulation based stuff I've read makes sense as to why I intuitively freaked out....I was watching more porn than I have since I was a teenager + texting filthy msgs back and forth with an old ex gf who I did heavy drugs with while also looking at Facebook and a girls pics who all signs are pointing to sex if i want it (taboo due to being a friends ex) AND....monitoring my own Facebook for 'LIKE's on a post I made earlier that day..........OVERDOSE PERHAPS??
Well thats my story....of how I got here, but Ive also been intermittently socially awkward and couldn't figure out why other times Im the leader of the social interactions with unshakeable confidence......I believe its during these times Im not watching Porn, have a solid amount of savings in the bank, am progressing with my art and am grateful for whatever I have....its during this state I seem to attract a girlfriend time and time again.....Im still fishing through my memories to see if PORN being reintroduced at any point has occurred and triggered a social anxiety & confidence loss that seems to happen time and time again with each partner to the point where I have the biggest doubts in my mind regarding "maintaing" the relationship - Its at this point I basically start being fearful, I'm not funny or relaxed anymore and possibly even paranoid.....I start calculating a persona to try match the one that attracted them, putting on a mask "until I can figure this out." But I never did......Id study personal development at the expense of the rest of my life all day looking for answers and looking for more and more information. Analysis Paralysis.
When I wasn't studying personal development I was wearing a mask, and when the day was done - I'd masturbate and wake up the next day painfully anxious again.
At other times in life I've also had marijuana + spiritual documentaries filling that late night time slot instead of porn.....but often times porn would be tacked onto that escapism in a stoned state too.
I'm excited about the changes ahead.
