My Journal

[Newborn Brain]

My Journal

I think I am little stressed out because my body is longing for PMO. It's been 5 days now and I guess I am annoyed by the feelings and the anxiety I need to deal with (I need and I want to).
Since I studied about the effects of porn on my brain and the results of the accumulation of DeltaFosB, I've been worried about how damaged I really am. I'm afraid of having such a tremendous change that I cannot go back to normal.
Of course I've seen that after some time letting go of PMO the brain tends to go back to "normal", but I've been doing PMO since 12, so I don't know exactly what has been going on up there.
Besides, I was exposed to really stressful situations very early in my life and I have a feeling that this damaged me somehow...
Well, I have been married since 2001 and I was talking to my wife about all this addiction yesterday and today, when we studied how our faith in Christ can help us, besides counseling and talking to family members and friends who really care, and I told her that I believe it is hard for anyone who needs to struggle with their addictions, diseases, weaknesses and frailties the fact that it is something you need to make the decision of keeping it in your life (and we all have the right to do so, if desired) or getting rid of it, but the difficult part for me is saying goodbye to something that has helped me releasing pressure and was my playground when things went wrong - and I guess it still is a kind of hideaway for me, when things are not going the way I'd like them to be going...
Once I learned that we have weaknesses that we may be humble and may have compassion to other people who suffer because of their own weaknesses too and this (for me) truth helped me look at myself and at others with more compassion and care.
Today I asked my wife whether she felt too harmed because of my addiction and she said "not really", because I was someone who was trying to know more about it, had the courage to talk about it, and have been always looking for help, and that makes her feel more hope and helps her believe that one day I will eventually understand it. Besides, she said that she knows it is not her fault that I've had these issues to deal with, as it is not my fault the problems she has when she needs to take on responsibility, because this is her weakest area.
Even though we had such a nice talk I was so upset because I asked her to buy food for my (our) cats and she forgot the card code and needed to call me to ask this three hours after our talk (I tried to understand why the outburst and the only thing I could think about was the fact that my body is craving for PMO)...

 

[PMOVictory]

WOW Newborn Brain

First of all Welcome to the Nation

Well, I have been married since 2001 and I was talking to my wife about all this addiction yesterday and today, when we studied how our faith in Christ can help us, besides counseling and talking to family members and friends who really care, and I told her that I believe it is hard for anyone who needs to struggle with their addictions, diseases, weaknesses and frailties the fact that it is something you need to make the decision of keeping it in your life (and we all have the right to do so, if desired) or getting rid of it, but the difficult part for me is saying goodbye to something that has helped me releasing pressure and was my playground when things went wrong - and I guess it still is a kind of hideaway for me, when things are not going the way I'd like them to be going...

You will find that a lot of PMOers are doing it for the same reasons. A type of escape and mechanism to deal with stress, etc. The good news is that it is something that will pass with time and that you will not feel that you need to go and MO & PMO during these times to self medicate.

Please continue to journal your progress and thoughts on the forum. Keep on educating yourself by reading all and everything you can on YBOP, and all the forums you can. There are strength in knowledge. This is where you will find a lot of help and support. It also helps you to sort out what is going on in your mind.

Your trust in the Son of God, Jesus our Creator and Re-creator that died on the cross of Calvary and His Saving Grace is very significant. People who have this faith find it much easier to reboot and put PMO behind them.
Being a Christian myself and having brought up in a very religious family for all my life, however were no guarantee for me not to fall in the trap of PMO. I realise that I was born in sin, and that what happened to me were part of it. However being trapped in PMO did in a very destructive way affected my personal growth and understanding of a deeper sense of Christianity and daily walk with God as we understand it to be.
Since putting my trust in Him and putting PMO behind me my walk with my Saviour has also been more real and fulfilling.

Hope that you will find some comfort in it.

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[Mechanic10]

New Brain,
I appreciate your feelings with your wife, your Christianity, your years of self medication, and wondering if your damaged "too much".
I have felt, to some extent each of these also.
Here's a couple of pointers I would like to share (disclaimer - "In my humble opinion ONLY")
1. We are not our addiction.  It is an addiction, and because it is apparently easy to hide, we think we got away with it with only moral harm.  Nope.  This is bad shit dude, the addiction grows on us an becomes a crutch.  Just google meth addicts photos, or heroin addict photos.  check out how bad the physical appears, the same pleasure hook that has brought these people to gig them self up that bad is has gigged us.  Yup.  This stuff is can grip ya.  This is not who we want to choose to be, but the quitting is a worthy adversary.
2. You may very well be losing this crutch for good, and let me tell you, it is pretty good after some of the initial stuff goes away (flatlining, moodiness, etc, it will go away, and is part of the reboot.)
3. You are not beyond repair (you know Jesus doesn't think so) but also, the data you can gather from the other former addicts will tell you that too.  You can get better, and it will get better.  ( and your relationships with your loved ones will get better too)
4.  Rebooters (me) get all kinds of physical / emotional symptoms during the reboot.  Give yourself as much personal love and understanding as you need.
5. A final thought about the God / Jesus / Moral thing.  You may have fallen from grace into all this porn stuff and given in to temptation and failed your maker, but He also put tools like this into your life to defeat the temptations.  Use 'em.

Use the tools, and good luck.
Mechanic

 

[Mechanic10]

One other thing Newborn Brain,

I was PMO free for two weeks and I binged off last night so I opened an account here on his Reboot Nation....

My first goal is 90 days - but I am ready to quit for GOOD.
Mechanic

 

[Newborn Brain]

However being trapped in PMO did in a very destructive way affected my personal growth and understanding of a deeper sense of Christianity and daily walk with God as we understand it to be.
Since putting my trust in Him and putting PMO behind me my walk with my Saviour has also been more real and fulfilling.

PMOVictory,

I guess I am starting to understand how PMO has been negatively affecting my relationship to God and other important people in my life. I cannot feel the Spirit of God most of the time and I feel weary and a little depressed. I think I still do not accept the fact that I have such a terrible thing to deal with, and I keep saying myself that I am strong and that I do not need help to get rid of it. That's exactly when I stop going to my anonymous group meetings, stop reading the scriptures in a deeper level of worship and consideration and start indulging in small practices like talking about sex and flerting and so on...
I've been reading more now than I was doing before my relapse and I find it very strengthening.
I have a strong faith in Christ and I know that I am not in a more desperate situation because of the support system I have: my marriage, my religion, church leaders who care about me, my knowledge as a psychologist, my friends, my relatives who know about my struggles, and my work (I love what I do).
I am much better off nowadays than in the past, when I used to hate and hurt myself because of the addiction.
I can feel more compassion and mercy for myself and for others and my wife has been a great help in this matter.
I thank you for your words. They have helped me a lot.

 

[Newborn Brain]

Mechanic10,
Thank you too, for your words and support. It's really rewarding to know that I am doing the right thing and that there are people who can really understand what I am going through, besides my Savior, of course, but real people like me who are also going through the same battles.
The more I learn about YBOP, that is, my brain on porn, the less I want to keep doing it, and I am sure that the knowledge I am getting access to is going to help me let go of it, once truth can set me free, and I know these articles and studies are true.
Today, during a meeting, I said that I was there to help myself and to get help for a part of me that is sick, but that I was not the sickness myself, so I guess I fully undestand when you say that I am not my addiction.
Thanks for reminding me about the physical and emotional symptoms. It's being quite hard at the moment to deal with them and the thought that they too are going away some time soon is very relieving.
Keep on doing your best and be sure I will be here praying for you, that you may always find the strength to stand up on your feet and walk again, no matter how many times this will be necessary, because I've been doing the same for 16 years now!
All the best from Brazil!

 

[Mechanic10]

Fell free to read my journal...it's over in the 30-39 Year old section..
Good luck, and be sure to log your process as you go.

 

[Newborn Brain]

Hi, Folks!

I am glad I am getting the strength I need from my will, from Heavenly Father, and from the people around me, including you here on reboot nation.
I've been quite busy taking care of personal and professional issues - so I didn't have much time to think about MOing, although P is always a candy coming from different sources.
Today I was talking to a co-worker and he came with his ceel phone trying to show me something about a monkey doing something somewhere somehow...
I told him I didn't want to see that and I was glad I did it, because I was in the middle of writing a contract to a new client.
On the other hand, I've been flirting a lot, much much more than I am used to doing... including flerting with women, even though I am not sexually atracted by them - although they say they feel atracted by me... but I consider them all like beautiful and nice sisters...
I was coming back home on my motorcycle when this guy stopped on another bike beside me at a traffic light and I flerted with him and on the way I asked him what he was up to and then he said "anything" and I started talking dirty to him and asked him things and I didn't feel happy or emotionally up... I felt bad... the guy was married, I am married... I get kind of sad when I think about women who are betryed (and men too) because I don't think people deserve that - at least, I believe everyone should be told if betrayed...
Believe it or not, since I decided to go back to church and live a new life (since 1998), I haven't had real sex with a man - even though it is soooooo hard to me to see a hot man and not get sexually aroused...
I used to go to public baths to check on men's penises and show myself too to be seen and desired, but whenever someone would try to touch me, I'd go away...
For 16 years I have been avoiding having closer physical contact with men, besides visual contact... the only things that happened to me so far were touching a guy who got an erection behind me on a bus - and I got 2 or 3 punches for that - although he got excited while standing behind me, can you imagine it???
- and once I touched a guy's penis while on a bus too and sometimes I ejaculated just by the look of some guys masturbating in front of me at some beaches on the coast where I live...
But real sex, never more...
I gotta say I don't feel comfortable when I think about having sex with a man - real sex, not flirting or desiring - and I didn't feel comfortable when I had sex with my wife - one of the reasons I stopped doing it - because it seemed to be forced and not willingly to me, even though she has always said that she likes it...
I am so glad I have read about DFosB and that I too am aware of it.
I feel my brain is going back to "normal", even though I know that after so many years of PMO "normal" is rather relative...
But I am glad that I am aware of it - especially as a psychologist - which makes me hold fast to my wanting to let go of PMO and at least live a healthier life...
Well, I don't know if I am being coherent today, but I just wanted to post and interact with you and let you know some of my routine and small progress and shortcomings...
I wish you all other 24 hours of perserverance and endurance... and myself too, of course!

 

[PMOVictory]

Newborn Brain

You sure come with stuff that I'm not familiar with and that are strange to me, talking about the feelings toward other men and even stopping having sex with your wife.

All I can say is that  your trust in God is very significant and that HE will guide and lead you. You are on 11 days and you are making good progress. Writing all the things in your journal sure does help in recovery to sort out all the things in your head. As a psychiatrist you will know better about this than me. Keep on educating yourself by reading. Especially other posts. We all can, and do learn from each other.

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!

 

[rider654321]

Hi Newborn Brain,

I applaud you on your openness and honesty. I also respect your faith.
I would also suggest that for all of us porn addicts, rebooting is a fabulous opportunity for all of us to finally "MAN UP" and take responsibility of all of our past indiscretions.

While I think it's absolutely fine to seek strength in your faith and ask for God's help to assist you along the path to overcoming your addiction. It is nevertheless our own journey and our own responsibility as MEN to see this through.

It is our job to stop ourselves when we are tempted, to draw our own line in the sand as to what we will allow ourselves to do, and not do. We have the strength and ability to not give into temptation when temptation arises, we all have it within us to beat this addiction.

Don't just wish or pray that it will go away or that God might heal you. Be true to yourself, stay strong, be determined and be in absolute control of your life.

I still have occasional thoughts of viewing porn, but I also have occasional thoughts of killing the people that piss me off too 

So I am determined to ensure that the former shall soon be no harder than the later to dismiss from my mind.

You can do this my friend. Stay strong and take charge!         

 

[RecoveringObjectifier]

We have the strength and ability to not give into temptation when temptation arises, we all have it within us to beat this addiction.

Don't just wish or pray that it will go away or that God might heal you. Be true to yourself, stay strong, be determined and be in absolute control of your life.

I still have occasional thoughts of viewing porn, but I also have occasional thoughts of killing the people that piss me off too     

Now that's what I call healthy perspective!  ;D

 

[PMOVictory]

I still have occasional thoughts of viewing porn, but I also have occasional thoughts of killing the people that piss me off too 

So I am determined to ensure that the former shall soon be no harder than the later to dismiss from my mind.

Well said rider.
Viewing porn must be something that is so far fetched and out of your league that it's just not an option any more.
This is when real healing can and will start.

Like Gabe says: It is like having a good healthy meal versus junk food!

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[Newborn Brain]

There is something I haven't told you yet. I've lived a homoaffective life since I was 8 - after being psychologically abused by my father until I was 7, I was sexually abused by an older cousin (he was 18 and I was eight years old), right after that.
It's been hard to deal with so many feelings of confusion, of not knowing who I am, sexually speaking.
I've been told and pointed as being gay since I was a child, because I would do things differently from my older brother and more likely my sisters...
In fact, I have the feeling I was brainwashed... (I believe I am able to say it after the knowledge I have today concerning Neurolinguistic Programming)...
I never quite understood or wanted to live as a "normal" man, since all the models and references I had of men were the worst possible, and only two or three were good examples, but they didn't have the emotional ties with me I needed to deal with my personal issues about my confusion...
After my cousin, there were other boys (most of the time older than me) who wanted to have some fun and I let it, because it somehow gave me the feeling I was loved or desired by a man, something I never felt from my father and extremely little from my brother, who were both very rude and machos...
So I developed a kind of co-dependence in these relationships with men, and I let myself be treated as an object for their satisfaction, and that was okay with me, as long as I could have them by me, hugging me, and giving me "love".
I know better today and I can understand that that which they gave me was anything but love...
But the co-dependence was rooted, and only at 27 I figured out I was doing something to please them more than to please myself.
It was when I decided to get hold of my life again and make better decisions. I was living in Germany (had gone away with an older man who I saw as a means to get away from Brazil, and all this sad and miserable story and put it all behind), but I was asking myself many questions on how I had ended up in that life, with so much money and so much carnal pleasures, but feeling so empty...
In fact, getting married to a woman was one of the hardest decisions I had to make in my life, because I never ever felt strongly atracted by a woman.
Other decisions I had made before this was coming back to my home country, and start my life again, from where I had stopped, when I left to Germany...
So, my body and especially my brain has wire up the connections that deal with sex and pleasure, which means, I've always found pleasure in having sex with men, because that's what I did when I was sad (I would go to gay saunas and other cruising places) whenever I felt sad, frustrated, mad, happy, whenever I had done something more than good or even something bad...
My wife is the only woman I have ever had sex with, my entire life!
After some time trying to have pleasure with her in bed, I gave up trying, because my brain just doesn't understand it...
So, nowadays, we sleep in separate rooms, because of this and because of other issues, but especially because I think there is so much love between us that we really care about each other and want to help each other somehow...
She also has her problems  and she knows she needs to make great effort to get rid of her traumas...
She's been struggling a lot to get self-reliable in all areas of her life, but the financial and educational areas are the most difficult for her.
Sometimes we talk and I am the one who says, more than she does, that we probably wouldn't have gotten married, if we knew then what we know now...
We have suffered a lot in the beginning and I needed to be away from her for a couple of years, otherwise I think I would go down (and so would she) and as she hadn't the courage to do it, I did it.
When we came back together after 2 years, we were more mature and more able to be in a marriage and so has been almost 13 years now...
Well, I think this gives you a little more insight about my journey to manhood or to MAN UP, as rider said...
I am learning now, at age 43, to be a man...

 

[RecoveringObjectifier]

If I can say nothing, it is not because I feel nothing.  Thank you for sharing this.  Deepest respect!