I'm married, gay and on the DL (in the closet)

[ChevyVan]

I hope I don't offend some of you out there by talking about this but here goes.  I've been married to my wife for nearly 30 years.  We have two kids, high school and college ages, and haven't had sex in years.  She's not interested and I can honestly say I'm gay.  I used to tell myself I was bi.  We had a decent sex life for a number of years but that's over- has been for over 10 years.  We are not trying to get it back.  We are good partners raising our kids.  That is the definition of our relationship. 

In order for me to satisfy my sexual urges over the last decade or more I have resorted to MO, and then once internet porn became readily available, PMO.  Until last year, I never ventured out of the closet.  I figured PMO was the best thing.  I was not depriving my wife of anything (she really has no interest).  My secret was safe.  I was not hurting anybody.  It seemed to work. 

Last year something clicked.  I wanted to meet men and have sex before I was so old I'd no longer have it in me as much as I would like.  I discovered gay dating/hookup sites.  I met some guys.  I started having some sex, discreetly and mostly with like-minded guys in similar situations. There are a lot more of us out there than I knew, thankfully.  I've had a great time, all safely and responsibly (aside from the fact that I was/am cheating on my wife).  I have a therapist that I see regularly to help me on my journey.  Everything is progressing in an acceptable fashion, really well, actually.

So, the problem is the porn.  I don't meet men that often so, until learning of YBOP and this site, I still resorted to PMO.  Like a lot of you guys, I found I needed more and more graphic porn to get me off.  I was seeking out stuff like filthy, grungy group bare-back Berlin basement sex scenes to get off- stuff I'd never do in real life.  However, my interest in having sex with the same guy more than once or twice faltered.  It wasn't exciting enough.  I started becoming intrigued with meeting a group, using fetishes, etc.  A couple of times I experienced ED halfway through sex.  I was on the slippery slope. 

I think it was my therapist that first mentioned YBOP to me.  I instantly knew I'd found a resource that could set me straight. I followed the instructions.  I cut the cord- no PMO.  It lasted three weeks.  I recovered quite a bit pretty quickly.  I flatlined for about 10 days and then one night I had my first sexual dream in I-can't-remember-how-long.  I'm still on the no PMO bandwagon, sort of.

Since I'm in the closet, in order for me to meet men I resort to the gay dating/hookup sites.  These sites are populated with naked still pictures designed to attract other gay men.  That's porn, right?  If I'm going to meet a guy though, that's the venue.  I've found that eliminating video porn has alleviated my ED issues (so far) and ended my desire to participate in group sex and stuff like that.  That's the good news.

The bad news is that I'm spending far too much time on the sites, trolling for mates.  It's an addiction to the dopamine rush that comes with surfing the websites and I know it.  And I'm overly picky, searching for the perfect porn-site-body or as close as I can come to it.  I'm in pretty good shape and have success finding my share but it takes some shopping.  It takes far too much time away from work and family, hours and hours. It's too much. 

I've recently found a single man who lives close to me on one of the sites. We've been together three or four times.  He wasn't in as good of shape in person as his picture was on the website (often the case) but he's more than adequately attractive despite a few extra pounds.  He's super nice, likes me a lot; in short, should be enough for me to be more than satisfied with.  I'm going to try to stick with him, at least for a while, and cut the cord on the dating websites.  Based on my experience when I went "no PMO" for three weeks in July I'm hoping for good results, maybe great.  Wish me luck.  This is hard. 

 

[RecoveringObjectifier]

And I'm overly picky, searching for the perfect porn-site-body or as close as I can come to it. 

....

Wish me luck.  This is hard.

Yes it is, isn't it?  One thing I would contribute, gay or straight, is the self-checking thought that, when it comes to 'finding the perfect porn-site body,' or even looking at my own mate, I then remind myself to look in the mirror, and ask myself "are you Adonis?  Are you Michelangelo's David?  Nope, didn't think so!  So clam up & concentrate your efforts on being spiritually and intellectually a good match!"

 

[RecoveringObjectifier]

Welcome, btw, if I as a newb myself can presume to welcome you, since you actually registered here earlier than me! 

 

[ChevyVan]

Thanks, RO.  One reason I waited so long to post anything was my fear that my story would not be very relevant to most (nearly all) of the guys here.  I'm pretty sure I'm right but as I read through other posts, I'm reminded by others that responses from others are only part of the goodness of this site.  Simply the catharsis that comes from writing a story down is very beneficial in and of itself.  Being gay and in the closet is incredibly lonely.  I can certainly handle a lack of response here.

Regarding your recommendation to look in the mirror when judging the physical quality of a potential mate, you are correct.  I certainly need to be mindful of what I bring to the table (or the bed!). 

I didn't look at any of the hookup sites today.  I guess that's one day of no P.  I'm at about 50 days of no MO.  I'd like to say 50 days of no P viewed for the sole purpose of sexual arousal, but that's not true. I find myself checking out profiles of guys even when I have no intention of hooking up.  Ugh!  I'm stuck!

 

[RecoveringObjectifier]

By the way, are you sure you're actually gay? sure a same-sex romance is what you're after?  To wit: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1291.0

 

[ChevyVan]

Yes, I'm gay. I've known since I was 8 years old, before puberty. But it was a shameful thing in the '60s. I'm so glad kids, adolescents, and young adults don't have to live in that awful world anymore. But that's a topic for another time and place.  Now I have to simply live my complicated life!

 

[dataguy]

Hi ChevyVan  - I read through your post and want to wish you well.  I'm just beginning the battle against P. 

 

[rider654321]

Hi Chevyvan,

Welcome to the forum. Wow ... that must be quite a life to always be trying to keep hidden?
I found it hard enough to always ensure my porn addiction was hidden. There were so many times I almost tripped up wondering if I closed all the sites down properly or deleted my history.

How you manage to cover all that your doing on the down low without being found out or raising suspicions must be mentally exhausting of itself?

How do you keep finding excuses to tell your wife when your heading out to hook up with these guys your meeting online? 

I would also say that since your sure your gay (and there's nothing wrong with that) you should really be letting your wife know and give her the chance to be free, if that's what she chooses.

There are many reasons why some women may elect to stay is loveless and sexless marriages. Sometimes if both partners make the decision to remain together and respect each other it can work well.

But what your doing shows no respect for your wife's position within your relationship, and that's not fair on her in my opinion.

I respect your bravery to tell your story and I encourage and wish you success in your fight to overcome the urge to watch porn. It can indeed be beaten.

But the point that is being missed here entirely is that there is an innocent person's life being wasted and abused by you. Your wife's life has no chance of ever improving so long as you keep her trapped within your secret.

You have the right to choose your own path, but you don't have the right to keep your poor wife trapped under the circumstances you have described.

I can assure you that your comment that she has no interest in sex in not correct. Trust me, every woman wants to feel loved, desired, cherished and respected by her man. In all likelihood your wife has most likely felt that within the relationship she has with you it was all just too hard, so she has had to shut down emotionally and sexually just to cope.

The fact that she has had to shut down does not (at least in my view) make it Ok for you to do the things your doing behind her back, and then excuse that behaviour by suggesting "your not depriving her of anything, because she's not interested in sex anyway".

Are you kidding yourself? You are depriving her of the most basic human right. The right to feel loved and wanted. You have taken 30 years of her life from her. At least give her that chance to feel loved again. I mean you already know because of your sexual orientation, that you can never give yourself to your wife in the way that she deserves, and your extramarital hook-ups are entirely disrespecting of her as a person. 

So please at least be honest with her about your sexuality and allow her to make an informed choice about whether she wants to stay with you and tough things out, or leave you and take a chance on making a new life for herself with a loving partner. 

I'm sorry if my posts comes across as critical, I am not being judgemental of you being gay or of the lifestyle choices your making to hook-up with other men. That's entirely your business.

However, I am concerned for your poor wife. Most of the men on here are attempting to beat their porn addictions in an effort to nurture a better more loving relationship with their long suffering wives who have stuck by them, because deep down we all know that our wives deserve better from us as husbands and better from us as men.   
   
Your reasons though are entirely selfish.  You're essentially here hoping to quit porn so that you can have better sex with guys behind your wife's back.

I fail to see the honour in that and I think what your doing to your wife is nothing short of cruel.

You need to set her free, and now!

Again sorry my post is so direct. But your conduct and attitude towards your wife is disturbing. 

 

[ChevyVan]

Thank you, Rider.  I appreciate your tough-love directness.  You are, of course, ultimately correct.  There are, of course, extenuating circumstances and additional aspects of our lives that I have chosen not to share here since they do not relate specifically to the subject at hand.  We are, of course, on a path toward separation and are receiving professional help along the way.  I regret posting my story here, or posting it the way I did.  It calls into question too many aspects of my life without providing enough information to provide answers.  I've made a mistake. I'll attempt to remove this thread. 

 

[rider654321]

Hi Chevyman

I am glad for both of you that you are on the path towards separation and that your getting professional help with that. I think you both deserve to be happy in the long run.

Best of luck to you both   

 

[Gracie]

Do not remove your thread please.  If you need to share your experience, then share.  I think rider's point is.  If you are giving up porn, the secret you should include the person you are turning away from in your process.  The more secrets you have the harder to recover.  And as a woman, I would want to know about the risk of disease etc.  This is not a judgment.  This place is a forum to get feedback.  Trust me, some of us women get some dandy responses.  And sometimes my skin is thicker than others.  But we keep posting helping ourselves and hopefully others that pass through.

Stay the course!

 

[ChevyVan]

Well, Gracie, it turns out I can't delete it without administrator assistance and the administrator is reluctant to do it once a thread has received responses...  It was just a big mistake sharing a story about being gay and in the closet on a website that, as far as I can tell, is populated by all straight people except for me.  And by the way, no one should be concerned that my wife might get a disease.  We don't have sex. 

 

[Gracie]

Chevy, not everyone here is straight.  If you read through posts there are people here that are not.  Over at YBR (yourbrainrebalanced.com) there are gay men posting as well.  You are in the right place.

 

[rider654321]

Chevyman,

It wasn't a mistake to share your story. Your being gay is irrelevant to us on here (well its irrelevant to me, I guess I can't really speak for others), and we are here to support each other in our mutual goal of quitting porn.

My concern reading your first post was for your wife. But you have since explained that you are moving towards separation and that your getting some assistance with that. That part wasn't made clear in your original post. Had it been made a bot clearer I wouldn't have raised the concerns I did for your wife. 

So all is good. Don't be feeling bad about it.     

 

[savingmysoul]

hey there Chevyman,

I have been following your thread, and I would like to throw out there that we are not here to judge, but offer information and support one another.  While your issues may be different from mine, we do share similiarities in the same addiction.  We all have our own demons that we need to deal with, and the benefit of boards like this is knowing that there are times we do not have to stand alone in those battles.  We are all brothers, looking to become better men, husbands, and fathers. 

But know that your story, my story - whatever story - can offer a small piece of a puzzle to someone else as they work their way through their issues.  Whether one is straight or gay, we are all struggling, but we all want to be better.  You may feel that noone understands, could understand - but having this outlet does provide a safe haven forum for one to talk things through.

I would like to invite you to stay - but either way I wish you luck in your quest, and I hope you find peace.

SMS