DayInTheLife
Member
Disclaimer: I do not know how many times similar topics have been posted, or if I'm even on the right website to be making this post. Regardless, I hope there's some help for me out there. I will try to include a TL;DR at the end, because this will probably be very lengthy.
First of all hello users of Reboot Nation, I'm a 16 (17 in a couple months) year old male, and also a High School Senior. I began looking at porn and masturbating from a very young age, probably around when I was 10 years old. I began with basic straight stuff; predominantly hentai and girl-on-girl videos. During this time until I was about 14 (4 years into porn watching) I had countless crushes on other girls at my school, and dated a girl for a short period of time, which I enjoyed. Shortly after my relationship, one of my best friends told me that he had gay sex with another boy, and oddly to me this aroused me. I had never had an issue with gay attraction previously, but following this event I had the odd gay fantasy, but that was probably only once every several months at least.
As the years went by getting closer to the present day, I found myself increasingly drawn to gay porn. It got me aroused at a much faster and more intense rate than masturbating to straight stuff. It seemed that pushing it away only made it more desirable for me. This entire attraction made no sense to me whatsoever; I mean, when I'm out around friends or other guys I never get turned on by them or think about having sex with them. On the other hand, I still continued to fantasize about girls regularly, and held female crushes. The desire to be with another guy was just not there; the taboo was hot to think about, but I just didn't have the desire to actually participate in that. Each and every time I masturbated to gay porn I was hit with severe guilt and self-loathing, searching for reasons why I might be going through this.
Basically, the stages of my porn interests went from:
Lesbian>Lesbian/Straight>Straight>Shemale/Straight>Gay/Shemale
This is when I came to a realization: maybe it's the porn that's doing this to me. As a porn and masturbation addict, I have probably watched thousands of videos, looked at thousands of images, and blew through sexual fantasies with girls I knew like they were boxes of tissues. Only, I ran out of tissues, and am now forced to use the "used" ones from before. All in all, I think porn and my addiction has made straight sex or sex involving a female simply boring to me. You could say that I'm just making up excuses to make up for being gay, and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if you were right, I question whether or not I'm actually gay all the fricking time. I mean, I've even gone as far as to masturbate to myself for crying out loud, because of the excitement it brought me. I don't want to be gay though; I still dream of being in a relationship with a beautiful girl, maybe even getting married and starting a family with said individual.
This is something that is destroying my life. Everywhere I ask people say things like: "just go with the flow and accept who you are!" or "you can never know what you are until you see for yourself" or "it's common for people to change their sexuality". I stress about this every single day, and it's giving me so much anxiety I just can't even think properly, and I don't know what I can do to free myself of this situation.
TL;DR: I thought I was a straight male, but have developed intense gay arousal. I theorize excessive porn use and addiction has made "normal" porn and related fantasies boring to me, drawing me toward that which is taboo in the search for more exciting/arousing material. This completely fills me with stress and self-hatred, and I don't know how I can change this.
First of all hello users of Reboot Nation, I'm a 16 (17 in a couple months) year old male, and also a High School Senior. I began looking at porn and masturbating from a very young age, probably around when I was 10 years old. I began with basic straight stuff; predominantly hentai and girl-on-girl videos. During this time until I was about 14 (4 years into porn watching) I had countless crushes on other girls at my school, and dated a girl for a short period of time, which I enjoyed. Shortly after my relationship, one of my best friends told me that he had gay sex with another boy, and oddly to me this aroused me. I had never had an issue with gay attraction previously, but following this event I had the odd gay fantasy, but that was probably only once every several months at least.
As the years went by getting closer to the present day, I found myself increasingly drawn to gay porn. It got me aroused at a much faster and more intense rate than masturbating to straight stuff. It seemed that pushing it away only made it more desirable for me. This entire attraction made no sense to me whatsoever; I mean, when I'm out around friends or other guys I never get turned on by them or think about having sex with them. On the other hand, I still continued to fantasize about girls regularly, and held female crushes. The desire to be with another guy was just not there; the taboo was hot to think about, but I just didn't have the desire to actually participate in that. Each and every time I masturbated to gay porn I was hit with severe guilt and self-loathing, searching for reasons why I might be going through this.
Basically, the stages of my porn interests went from:
Lesbian>Lesbian/Straight>Straight>Shemale/Straight>Gay/Shemale
This is when I came to a realization: maybe it's the porn that's doing this to me. As a porn and masturbation addict, I have probably watched thousands of videos, looked at thousands of images, and blew through sexual fantasies with girls I knew like they were boxes of tissues. Only, I ran out of tissues, and am now forced to use the "used" ones from before. All in all, I think porn and my addiction has made straight sex or sex involving a female simply boring to me. You could say that I'm just making up excuses to make up for being gay, and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if you were right, I question whether or not I'm actually gay all the fricking time. I mean, I've even gone as far as to masturbate to myself for crying out loud, because of the excitement it brought me. I don't want to be gay though; I still dream of being in a relationship with a beautiful girl, maybe even getting married and starting a family with said individual.
This is something that is destroying my life. Everywhere I ask people say things like: "just go with the flow and accept who you are!" or "you can never know what you are until you see for yourself" or "it's common for people to change their sexuality". I stress about this every single day, and it's giving me so much anxiety I just can't even think properly, and I don't know what I can do to free myself of this situation.
TL;DR: I thought I was a straight male, but have developed intense gay arousal. I theorize excessive porn use and addiction has made "normal" porn and related fantasies boring to me, drawing me toward that which is taboo in the search for more exciting/arousing material. This completely fills me with stress and self-hatred, and I don't know how I can change this.
) think about being in a relationship with guys. And I certainly didn't start by looking at straight porn, much less lesbian porn. Only after looking at porn for a decade did I start looking at straight porn (and only for the novelty of it-never any interest in having sex with a woman).