struggling

[rider654321]

Hi Thimbuk2

I believe that the best way to reboot if you have a SO is to have sex as often as possible, because the more times your successful the more confident you'll become. Though I firmly believe you should work mostly on building the non sexual intimacy between you and your SO and just allow the sex to happen naturally.

When I began my reboot I was shown a link to a list of non sexual bonding techniques (it's in my journal) and I applied them to my relationship with Mrs Rider. There techniques are nothing all that unusual, in fact there just things that we as couples tend to forget to do for each other when you have busy day to day lives.

Making time to cuddle or just brushing my wife's hair. Simply things that build intimacy and feelings of love.  When I did those things with my wife it just felt like a nice experience to share. It made us feel closer and more loving. Mrs Rider enjoyed the attention and sexual desire flowed from there naturally.

The thing is when we play together there's no expectation of it leading to an erection or sex, it's just sharing intimacy. But sex is the wonderful reward that we find generally happens for putting in that extra bit of effort.

So try to forget what your dick is doing and just let things happen naturally.     

 

[thimbuk2]

I believe you. Although this lady friend and I are getting together about once/twice a week, it seemed like things really improved since last Saturday. I found myself more responsive.

I am so very grateful for this site and you guys. I think the reboot is working but not sure yet. My lady friend seemed to think that I was harder. A good sign.

I do really well, after I get to have a sexual release, and could use one about every other day. A few days without sex, and I get thoughts about MO. So far, I've made it through without caving, but geez, waking up in the middle of the night, can't sleep, knowing a release will help me sleep.

Had my first sex dream in what seems like eons. I am so grateful, thank all of you for your support

 

[thimbuk2]

I've been reflecting a bit lately. Thinking about my years of P use, the hurt it caused my wife, the denial I kept in thinking that I was causing no one harm. I would love to be able to blame the lack of sex in our relationship on her detachment to intimacy, and justify my P use on our lack of connection, or her not wanting to be with me. But I can't.... I can't sit here and justify any of that previous thought pattern I held for so long. The truth is I was sick (or maybe still am), and I could not find a way out. I couldn't find the strength to stay away from it. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't. I hated myself when I caved to it. I was disgusted with myself and my lack of self will.
Have had thoughts of emailing my ex and apologizing and acknowledging my weakness. I just can't open the wound. I can't justify hurting her again so that I can feel good about myself. I suspect that would only be an ego boosting endeavor for me, and just simply cause more pain, hurt, and anger for her. I read a wife's post in the other forum, I see her pain. I remember being caught, the embarrassment, the covering of my tracks, or my attempts to cover it up. I am not sure if we would have stayed together, there were other issues that could not be overlooked. She was no saint either. She is a marriage and family therapist, I bet this site could be useful to her in helping others. But my perceived good deed will only cause her pain. I can't do it.
I am grateful that I have been P free as long as I have. It's never happened before. It frightens me a bit. I'm nervous about caving, having a slip, whatever we want to call it. I have to stay focused, and I need to stay in contact with my brothers on this site. I feel like things are coming around. I'm experiencing some fantastic intimate moments with someone. It's opened my eyes...I am more loving, more sensitive, more present. I am grateful, but I am also aware that if caught off guard, it could spell trouble.

 

[CrazyGopher]

Congratulations on making your way into new territory by going without P for longer than you ever have before. Your progress there is inspiring for me, because it is a threshold that I hope to pass soon.

I noticed something you wrote in an earlier entry, about having to help other guys who are struggling in order to stay on the path yourself. I have found the same thing to be true for me. All the times I have tried to do this alone have been miserable failures.

So, thank you for the inspiration, and for the reminder. I hope you stay strong!

 

[thimbuk2]

Well guys, I have been thinking a lot as I always do this week. I find it weird, how the phenomenon of craving for porn has diminished. Now hang on! I know what your thinking! Hear me out! Even the desire to MO has diminished. Sure....I have been shacking up from time to time with a pretty young lady, but honestly, I think that has affected my reboot a bit. I asked if she would help me with the bonding techniques found on the ybop site. She said absolutely, I am grateful that was able to be upfront and honest about this whole things, and she has been super supportive. She is a rare gem. Rider654321 frequently talks about these bonding techniques. From what I have read, I see it as a really wonderful to form intimacy bonds with your partner.

So, am I cured??? Ha!! That would be very much a delusional thought on my part. If anything I need to be more self aware of the triggers. Once the craving goes away, the natural thing to do is let you guard down. But this 'Porn Master' is a subtle foe, strong, powerful, waiting for me to have weakness. No, I am not cured. I am much further down the path than I could have ever imagined, but I am the same distance from the ditch. Now is the time to be more self aware, I don't want to go back. The desire to be with a women is much stronger, but it isn't a sexual lust thing that is going on. Its the idea to be nurturing, loving, yes sexual too, but in a different way. My gal and I cuddled naked the other night, no pressure for me to try and perform. Which is good, I'm still in reboot I think.

I guess I am grateful the desire has been lifted, but aware of how easily I could give in. Stay strong my brothers, it gets easier

 

[unchained]

Great post.  It helps motivate me on my quest for freedom.

 

[thimbuk2]

I'm getting discouraged, and worried

I still cannot get an erection with a girl. This sucks!

 

[rider654321]

Hey Thimbuk2
Just caught up on your posts. Your doing great mate and you also made the right decision to not run this by your "ex" wife. I can't see how anything good can come from doing that as much as there are times it seems a good idea.

I am also glad you have a new lady in your life. Do this for her as much as for yourself. As for the erection issue, I know that's a hard one to deal with (no pun intended), and its frustrating, but keep focusing on the bonding techniques are in time things will turn around. The secret I believe is to somehow let go of the performance anxiety associated with it. I managed to do that ok early on and it's never been a big problem since. A few times things didn't quite fire as I hoped, but most of the time things have gone well.

I would also urge you to read the book "Cupid's poisoned arrow". I read most of it while I was away on holidays and I could relate to so much of it.

Cheers

Rider
     

 

[thimbuk2]

Thanks Brother!
Great to have you back! Hope your time away went well

 

[thimbuk2]

Back in the US after a week and half of traveling. Porn was not an option while staying every night in a hotel. That is a great feeling. However, I found myself wishing for a way to hook up with someone while on my travels, and as a result lots of lusting and objectifying women. That is not good. Anyway, progress not perfection, right? Glad to be back home. I did however cave to my plan to not MO, but I'm okay with that. My initial goal was set for 30 days, and I went 50. So, I start over, and I find myself wanting a real sexual relationship. That is a great thing!! I think my reboot is going a bit slow, but that is okay too.

 

[thimbuk2]

I hate to admit this, but I think I have a fear of being alone. I have had relationships with women since who knows when, and very seldom, have I had much time alone. And when I did have those times alone, I was either drinking or drugging or both. And always engaged in some sort of porn activity.
I spent a great weekend with a someone, a married someone. Yes, ashamed to admit this too. I have been feeling pretty uneasy about this secret affair for a few weeks now, tossing back and forth the idea that it is okay, and then the reality that this is not okay. I came to a decision, spoke with this person, and promptly ended it. Why did I do this? She pursued me, she is incredibly beautiful. I found myself wanting something more with her. Honestly, I asked myself over and over, how I thought this was really going to work out. I didn't care, I was lonely, I wanted to keep having a reason to try and make my willy work, using this Possible as a means to measure my progress. Ultimately, I suppose I have been delaying my reboot all along.
Anyway, I am staying away from the dating sites, going cold turkey hard reboot for awhile. Not sure how long, a month, 2 months, I don't know. It's depressing but necessary.

 

[thimbuk2]

i'm so fucking pissed at myself :'(

 

[Poker]

I think you made a good decission.  Take the time now to heal...  It will give a much better future.  Stay strong month friend.

 

[Fappy]

Dont worry, mate. Concentrate on making yourself a better person, dont rely on other people to acheive that for you. It must come from inside yourself!

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for your sharing and honesty. Be gentle and forgive yourself. I understand you're going through a hard time and feel for you. I find the way you write about this affair is similar to the way I felt after a PMO session. It sounds just like the guilt and shame I had because of my porn/masturbation addiction. I can't imagine these things happen spontaneously so you seem to have identified your trigger: loneliness/isolation. I'd recommend coming up with a plan to counter these feelings next time. Sure you can have a harmless hook up from time to time, I've done it, but a lifetime of meaningless sex is just another form of addiction. You went 50 days and can do it again. I'm on the eve of reaching 50 days and your post reminded me to stay focused on the goal of a lifetime without addiction. Stay strong brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[thimbuk2]

Hey Lyon,
Thanks Man!! Have been reading your posts and other posts where you have commented. You have really good things to say and I believe have helped many get through some dark times. You have been through some heavy stuff, and I commend you on your honesty too. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to admit what was going on inside you. I appreciate your input.

I am truly pissed at myself for throwing away 101 days of no PMO. The MO is minor compared to the PMO. I am trying to process where I let my guard down. The "porn is not an option" mantra has been something I have embraced as well. just not sure what happened.

Oh well....Keep moving forward.


Fappy,

You are so right! I want to be a better person. I just have these horns that pop out of my head every now and then. Keeps knocking my halo off and putting dents in it!!

Poker,

Thanks brother! I know it's right, but I want what I want. True addict I guess

You guys given me some encouragement tonight. Thank You

 

[Fappy]

Hey Lyon,


Fappy,

You are so right! I want to be a better person. I just have these horns that pop out of my head every now and then. Keeps knocking my halo off and putting dents in it!!

Hahahaha i think ive seen that porno. Except the horns were penises and the halo was an arse!
Anyway keep it going mate!

 

[thimbuk2]

This is my very first Christmas alone. I never ever in wildest imagination thought that would happen. No girlfriend in my life at the moment, and not making it back to family this year. Very strange feeling. Oh well....it is what it is.

I wish all of you a Happy Holiday Season, whether it is Christmas or another celebration. This will be a stressful time for all! PMO may look good to each of us. Stay strong and diligent my friends.

 

[Havetodothis40]

Thimbuk,  I hope you had a good Christmas/Holiday.  One of my tactics I use to help me stay off the PMO is starting each day looking in the mirror and saying " I am not watching Porn today, I deserve better than what Porn can offer me"

It really seemed to help me on my current streak.  Especially in the beginning of this streak when I was single and thinking I would be single for a long time.

Good luck man!