SicVisPacem
Member
What it comes down to is this: I'm 20 years old, and have a shit ton of potential and ambition that I'm not doing anything with. Overcoming PMO is one aspect of this journey. I'm going to try to keep this journal focused on PMO and anything relevant to it and to my life.
I started watching porn around the age of 14 or so. I was homeschooled most of my life, and didn't have a lot of social contact with peers other than my cousins. Thus, I really didn't have any healthy outlets for sexual energy. The fact that my parents were strict catholics and anything sexual was forbidden just made it worse. Very little socializing and even less healthy exploration of my emerging sexuality meant that porn was all I had.
I moved out when I was 18, to go to college in another part of the country. I was completely unprepared for normal social interactions, so I didn't have any friends and spent most of my weekends in my dorm room crying. I screwed up my GPA, and dropped out after a year (I have plans to finish my degree now).
When I was 19, I got an apartment by myself near my school (even though I wasn't taking classes), and started supporting myself with low wage service industry jobs. I was essentially supporting myself, and this was an immensely important decision for me. It was tough during my 19th year, trying to save money and sleeping on a bare mattress, but it helped me mature.
In addition to bad social skills, anything sexual caused me major stress and anxiety. During this 19th year, when I was living by myself, I managed to put together something of a social life. I still felt terribly depressed, lacked meaning and purpose in life, had stress and anxiety, but I was doing better than I had been. So... when I would go to parties, there was a lot of sexual tension in the air - it's college, after all. I couldn't cope with it. I wasn't skilled at actually being sexual with a real life girl, so I would often go home alone while the studs got laid.
[/size]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Sometimes the stress and anxiety after a night like this would be so bad that I would get back to my apartment and seriously consider killing myself - just to make the physical pain stop. I would hold a knife in my hand because fuck - the anxiety was worse than death! I felt alone and unloved and socially shunned and sexually uncomfortable.[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I've PMO'd almost every day since 14. I don't think this is the only problem with my life, but it's probably a big part of the stress and anxiety I mentioned above. I've conditioned myself to live in a fantasy land, and the real world creates a huge problem; I want real sex and real interactions, but I'm not skilled in them.[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]So now I'm 20. I'll be 21 in four months. I've discovered a lot about myself, and I've definitely improved myself over the last year or two. I can probably categorize my problems into these areas:[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]1) Poor skills in socializing and sexualizing, created by a childhood of NOT socializing and doing way to much PMO.[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]2) High ambitions and visions for myself, which aren't supported by the ability to DO WHAT IT TAKES to get there[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]3) Unhealed emotional wounds, which tell me "I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive, people don't like me, etc."[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Number 3 is something I'm still struggling to understand. I honestly think there's something screwed up about my psyche, my emotions, my energy, but I can't figure out what it is. [/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Numbers 1 and 2 are a bit more easy to understand. Stopping PMO will probably be a huge help in creating more normal social interactions and better sexualization. And if what other people say is true, it should also give me more energy and motivation to accomplish the things I want to accomplish. We'll just have to see how well I can weather the storm of breaking this addiction. [/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Doing "pickup" - that is, going out and hitting on girls with the intention of having sex - has actually been the best thing I've done for self improvement in my life. Stumbling upon Real Social Dynamics was life changing. By going out and approaching women, I've been able to greatly improve my social skills, and start rewiring my brain to appreciate real sex with real human beings. I feel like it PMO is the dark side of sexual urges, real sex and real interactions with women is the light at the end of the tunnel. [/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]So here are my goals for the next month: stop PMO, go out and approach women, live every moment of life to its fullest potential, don't waste time during the day, accomplish the things I know I should, and go to the gym. I have so much fucking potential in life, and I want so much out of life and out of myself. [/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]"Discipline is not self-denial, but rather the prioritization of one's higher desires over one's lower desires." Day 1, no PMO. Wish me luck.[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]-C[/font]
I started watching porn around the age of 14 or so. I was homeschooled most of my life, and didn't have a lot of social contact with peers other than my cousins. Thus, I really didn't have any healthy outlets for sexual energy. The fact that my parents were strict catholics and anything sexual was forbidden just made it worse. Very little socializing and even less healthy exploration of my emerging sexuality meant that porn was all I had.
I moved out when I was 18, to go to college in another part of the country. I was completely unprepared for normal social interactions, so I didn't have any friends and spent most of my weekends in my dorm room crying. I screwed up my GPA, and dropped out after a year (I have plans to finish my degree now).
When I was 19, I got an apartment by myself near my school (even though I wasn't taking classes), and started supporting myself with low wage service industry jobs. I was essentially supporting myself, and this was an immensely important decision for me. It was tough during my 19th year, trying to save money and sleeping on a bare mattress, but it helped me mature.
In addition to bad social skills, anything sexual caused me major stress and anxiety. During this 19th year, when I was living by myself, I managed to put together something of a social life. I still felt terribly depressed, lacked meaning and purpose in life, had stress and anxiety, but I was doing better than I had been. So... when I would go to parties, there was a lot of sexual tension in the air - it's college, after all. I couldn't cope with it. I wasn't skilled at actually being sexual with a real life girl, so I would often go home alone while the studs got laid.
[/size]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Sometimes the stress and anxiety after a night like this would be so bad that I would get back to my apartment and seriously consider killing myself - just to make the physical pain stop. I would hold a knife in my hand because fuck - the anxiety was worse than death! I felt alone and unloved and socially shunned and sexually uncomfortable.[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I've PMO'd almost every day since 14. I don't think this is the only problem with my life, but it's probably a big part of the stress and anxiety I mentioned above. I've conditioned myself to live in a fantasy land, and the real world creates a huge problem; I want real sex and real interactions, but I'm not skilled in them.[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]So now I'm 20. I'll be 21 in four months. I've discovered a lot about myself, and I've definitely improved myself over the last year or two. I can probably categorize my problems into these areas:[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]1) Poor skills in socializing and sexualizing, created by a childhood of NOT socializing and doing way to much PMO.[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]2) High ambitions and visions for myself, which aren't supported by the ability to DO WHAT IT TAKES to get there[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]3) Unhealed emotional wounds, which tell me "I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive, people don't like me, etc."[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Number 3 is something I'm still struggling to understand. I honestly think there's something screwed up about my psyche, my emotions, my energy, but I can't figure out what it is. [/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Numbers 1 and 2 are a bit more easy to understand. Stopping PMO will probably be a huge help in creating more normal social interactions and better sexualization. And if what other people say is true, it should also give me more energy and motivation to accomplish the things I want to accomplish. We'll just have to see how well I can weather the storm of breaking this addiction. [/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Doing "pickup" - that is, going out and hitting on girls with the intention of having sex - has actually been the best thing I've done for self improvement in my life. Stumbling upon Real Social Dynamics was life changing. By going out and approaching women, I've been able to greatly improve my social skills, and start rewiring my brain to appreciate real sex with real human beings. I feel like it PMO is the dark side of sexual urges, real sex and real interactions with women is the light at the end of the tunnel. [/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]So here are my goals for the next month: stop PMO, go out and approach women, live every moment of life to its fullest potential, don't waste time during the day, accomplish the things I know I should, and go to the gym. I have so much fucking potential in life, and I want so much out of life and out of myself. [/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]"Discipline is not self-denial, but rather the prioritization of one's higher desires over one's lower desires." Day 1, no PMO. Wish me luck.[/font]
[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]-C[/font]