FreedomInFull
Member
I have decided to start journaling because I believe it is important in my progression. So last Saturday marked 3ish weeks for me of no PMO. This is a long time for me coming as I have been battling this addiction on and off for years. It wasn't until after college that I realized I might have an issue as I found myself rushing to my room to view porn after work. I read something online about the addictive qualities of it that I seemed to fit the mold of. This is when my slow and often painful journey of trying to beat this began.
Fast forward five years I have been promoted and changed jobs a few times, I now have a market hours highly demanding job, I got married, I bought a house and a new car. So from the outside it would appear that my life is in great order. However I have only half heatedly tried to beat this addiction and that's why after five years my longest and most recent stint has been 23 days. Everything has changed with my new job though. Due it's demanding nature I can no longer afford to go to work hungover as used to be able to. And I realize that I am at a point where my future is on the line. So I have stepped up my effort in a big way.
Some thing I have changed in the last few months is giving up TV and really cutting back internet usage. I tried doing some of the internet filters a while back but just found myself trying to hack my way to anything arousing which meant more time edging. Working out and finding a hobby (not on the computer) has also helped a bit. Sleep is very important as well. I also have practiced meditation during times of great temptation and the walk away tactic both of which can really help. This whole thing though is all about practice and strengthening your rational brain to make decisions instead following our innate programming. Another thing I have noticed is drinking. Trying to beat this addiction while drinking even on occasion is tough. When you are buzzed or drunk your rational brain is much more likely to yield to your primal instinct which in our cases happens to be PMO. Time and time again I will be out for a happy hour or just have a couple drinks and be feeling super confident and relaxed and when I come home and I am alone an urge just pops up in my mind to search a word or something that will create a strong enough trigger to get me to relapse and my sober rational is just half a step behind.
This is what happened tonight and it only took 5 minutes. So here I am relapsed after 5 minutes. This sucks. So now I suppose I get to go through all the fun withdrawals/headaches all over again. At this point all I can do is not binge and leave it to the 5 minute mistake. Maybe my brain has rewired itself to the point where a small slip won't create a complete start over. I just don't know. One thing I have learned is that to beat this you can never be comfortable, you cannot allow your brain any flexibility, you always have to be on guard. Your brain is like a puppy or 2 year old. If your brain misbehaves and you don't do anything to correct you have already lost because now your brain knows that it can get away with just enough and you won't do anything about it. It weird to think about your brain this way but it really is about the training. Any ways I am going to try to get a lot of sleep tonight exercise tomorrow, get some affection time with the wifey cause affection promotes good chemicals in your brain. And hopefully after all that I won't have fallen too far back.
Appreciate the support here. I think this is really critical to all our learning and progress. Sometimes when I feel strong urges I love reading blogs on this site. They really are encouraging even just to know that none of us are alone
Fast forward five years I have been promoted and changed jobs a few times, I now have a market hours highly demanding job, I got married, I bought a house and a new car. So from the outside it would appear that my life is in great order. However I have only half heatedly tried to beat this addiction and that's why after five years my longest and most recent stint has been 23 days. Everything has changed with my new job though. Due it's demanding nature I can no longer afford to go to work hungover as used to be able to. And I realize that I am at a point where my future is on the line. So I have stepped up my effort in a big way.
Some thing I have changed in the last few months is giving up TV and really cutting back internet usage. I tried doing some of the internet filters a while back but just found myself trying to hack my way to anything arousing which meant more time edging. Working out and finding a hobby (not on the computer) has also helped a bit. Sleep is very important as well. I also have practiced meditation during times of great temptation and the walk away tactic both of which can really help. This whole thing though is all about practice and strengthening your rational brain to make decisions instead following our innate programming. Another thing I have noticed is drinking. Trying to beat this addiction while drinking even on occasion is tough. When you are buzzed or drunk your rational brain is much more likely to yield to your primal instinct which in our cases happens to be PMO. Time and time again I will be out for a happy hour or just have a couple drinks and be feeling super confident and relaxed and when I come home and I am alone an urge just pops up in my mind to search a word or something that will create a strong enough trigger to get me to relapse and my sober rational is just half a step behind.
This is what happened tonight and it only took 5 minutes. So here I am relapsed after 5 minutes. This sucks. So now I suppose I get to go through all the fun withdrawals/headaches all over again. At this point all I can do is not binge and leave it to the 5 minute mistake. Maybe my brain has rewired itself to the point where a small slip won't create a complete start over. I just don't know. One thing I have learned is that to beat this you can never be comfortable, you cannot allow your brain any flexibility, you always have to be on guard. Your brain is like a puppy or 2 year old. If your brain misbehaves and you don't do anything to correct you have already lost because now your brain knows that it can get away with just enough and you won't do anything about it. It weird to think about your brain this way but it really is about the training. Any ways I am going to try to get a lot of sleep tonight exercise tomorrow, get some affection time with the wifey cause affection promotes good chemicals in your brain. And hopefully after all that I won't have fallen too far back.
Appreciate the support here. I think this is really critical to all our learning and progress. Sometimes when I feel strong urges I love reading blogs on this site. They really are encouraging even just to know that none of us are alone