This is my first post! Ever. I think its time to help out and give back based on my struggles and what I now know.
I am a 49 year old, married with 3 kids(one disabled). I have been watching porn since I was 16 in whatever form I could get. I could bore you with the details of where all this went (lots of dark places and out of control behaviour) but 10 years ago I started having panic attacks (I've always had anxiety) and learned that I was a porn addict for sure and fantasy addict. I should have got proper help then and I treid but the 3 people I saw mainly treated the shame and anxiety. But off and on I tried self help.
I have read at least 10 books on it, read 15 more on the brain and mindfulness and got counselling from a sex addiction counsellor including being in a meetup/group of 6 guys for addicts for 2 years... (once per week) and as about now I have never felt better. Mindfulness is amazing to get ride of depression and addictive craving-but it's not a quick fix. but it is powerful and it is MUST do for me.
My marriage of 15 years has been filled with fighting and misunderstanding and now it is generally great-(not perfect but honestly its pretty darn good) I love my wife more than ever. sex is only ok...it's never been great... but rather than that sending me into an angry addictive and blameful panic (about being denied my so-called lifeline to bliss)... I have made my peace with that, and have found unspeakable peace inside me. My dependency one females and anything female has gone down -and as my attachment has gone down... my connection to her, me, God and life has gone up. My ER is 90% better!!!! after having a lifetime issue with it, again mainly due to no porn and mindfulness and monitoring my thoughts and feelings.
I now work all day with a computer, no filters ...often alone...and I'm not even tempted 99% of the time. The 1% it grabs me \i go for a walk or use the skills I've learned. I wish to measure myself and challenge for a no edge for any reason.
The one stubborn thing that triggers me again and again(but its getting better too) is the stubborn old fantasy. Mainly S&M fantasies, femdom stuff where women control me and and I'm forced to worship them in countless scenarios. It can lead into some weird places...and fast too. If I'm not careful, I can just slip into it and after 3 minutes its like a drug has taken effect and I feel that trance or hazy urge where I'm tempted to masturbate , rub, fap and fantasize. This I am learning is the last thing to loosen. I can now just get up most of the time and shake it off but its annoying now. I will now try a zero tolerence of any rubbing through crotch, any masturbation(other than wife)
I offer you all peace in your struggles
I am a 49 year old, married with 3 kids(one disabled). I have been watching porn since I was 16 in whatever form I could get. I could bore you with the details of where all this went (lots of dark places and out of control behaviour) but 10 years ago I started having panic attacks (I've always had anxiety) and learned that I was a porn addict for sure and fantasy addict. I should have got proper help then and I treid but the 3 people I saw mainly treated the shame and anxiety. But off and on I tried self help.
I have read at least 10 books on it, read 15 more on the brain and mindfulness and got counselling from a sex addiction counsellor including being in a meetup/group of 6 guys for addicts for 2 years... (once per week) and as about now I have never felt better. Mindfulness is amazing to get ride of depression and addictive craving-but it's not a quick fix. but it is powerful and it is MUST do for me.
My marriage of 15 years has been filled with fighting and misunderstanding and now it is generally great-(not perfect but honestly its pretty darn good) I love my wife more than ever. sex is only ok...it's never been great... but rather than that sending me into an angry addictive and blameful panic (about being denied my so-called lifeline to bliss)... I have made my peace with that, and have found unspeakable peace inside me. My dependency one females and anything female has gone down -and as my attachment has gone down... my connection to her, me, God and life has gone up. My ER is 90% better!!!! after having a lifetime issue with it, again mainly due to no porn and mindfulness and monitoring my thoughts and feelings.
I now work all day with a computer, no filters ...often alone...and I'm not even tempted 99% of the time. The 1% it grabs me \i go for a walk or use the skills I've learned. I wish to measure myself and challenge for a no edge for any reason.
The one stubborn thing that triggers me again and again(but its getting better too) is the stubborn old fantasy. Mainly S&M fantasies, femdom stuff where women control me and and I'm forced to worship them in countless scenarios. It can lead into some weird places...and fast too. If I'm not careful, I can just slip into it and after 3 minutes its like a drug has taken effect and I feel that trance or hazy urge where I'm tempted to masturbate , rub, fap and fantasize. This I am learning is the last thing to loosen. I can now just get up most of the time and shake it off but its annoying now. I will now try a zero tolerence of any rubbing through crotch, any masturbation(other than wife)
I offer you all peace in your struggles
