hocd

[insaniac]

My long story begins. Grab some snacks or something. So I'm a 16. My whole life I've grown up loving girls, romantically and sexually of course. I started masturbating and watching porn at a young age. I still remember the first time I did it; I was 11 and I was staying at a friends and there were three of us and one them brought up masturbation and suggested we do it, so we put porn on and put up barriers so we couldn't see each others dicks. So from that time I became a frequent masturbater.1-6 times a day since then. Anyway I used to stay over my friends all the time and we thought mutual masturbation was a bit weird so we'd go into separate rooms and do it. One night I was staying over he said 'I dare you to touch my dick' so I said hesitantly 'ok' and did it and pulled away quickly cause it felt wrong, he then touch mine and then stopped. We then went to bed and he then gave me a handjob in the dark. I didn't stop him, I just let it happen. I felt sick for like a month after and rarely spoke to him because of it. I masturbated after that still but always to lesbian or straight porn and have done since. Anyway I learned to live with that experience. I've remember the first time I saw a girls breasts and got a blowjob and it was an incredible experience. I've been sort of friends with benefits with a few girls and enjoyed the experiences I've had with them. But for the last 5 months I've been in love with an incredible girl. The first girl I've ever been down on was her and I loved it. Any way, It was summer this year when she went on holiday and i was missing her dearly. We spoke and she said she was ready to have sex with me. I was ready and excited but when she got back she said we have to wait to she gets back from another holiday cause it was that time of the month, I was gutted that I'd have to wait another week but I was ready. I'm still masturbating at this point but to thoughts of her and occasionally porn, but climaxing to thoughts of her mainly. So I watched this film ones of days she was away and it was about a lesbian turning straight and talking about experiences she had. It made me think of the one I had and I couldn't stop pondering on it and thought that it made me gay. That's when my hocd started. My girlfriend got back and the day she was coming round I was mentally freaking out. I was thinking What if I'm gay and I don't get erect to her? But she came around and we did three times and I enjoyed it. My hocd was still there and has been since. I have a good sex life with her still though I'm a Chronic masterbater due to hocd. I started getting the what ifs and found my self looking at men and mentally checking. I porn test regularly. I try watching gay porn and don't get hard or semi but get a groinal response . I watch lesbian and straight and stiall get hard but I read a gay story and it was really in depth and graphic an I got a really strong sensation but no a hard on. I can't watch gay porn for too long I get a slight sense of disgust even though I get groinal response. When I read the story I couldn't help that maybe part of me wanted to suck dick, the idea is disgusting to me but I really can't shake that maybe part of me liked it. Is it because ive watched so much porn that I associate dick with pleasure?