Deadpoolio69
Member
Hi Everyone,
This post is going to be a big step for me, I have been a heavy Porn user since I was 12 years old, now that im almost 25 I have decided it needs to stop. The main reason I was into porn was purely fascination and curiosity with sex, which I think anyone can mainly understand. However masturbation became a coping mechanism and that's where I feel that the fascination and curiosity became obsession. I would find things or specific clips that turned me on the most, dipping into the sweet height of the feeling (edging) and then reap the rewards of my endeavor (orgasm). Actually, when I first started I had a very large fear of premature ejaculation, getting boners in front of girls, etc. and I used the pornography as a coping mechanism for raging hormones and in my mind, desensitizing myself. So when I finally did have sex, I wouldn't face the dreaded embarrassment of being a minute man.
However I am past puberty and coping is no longer necessary, I've been through alot of things as much as any normal person can take. I was formerly a polydrug user, my main drugs of choice being
After Overdosing in 2012 and realizing the full effects of my choices on the well-being of others and loved ones, I went to out patient rehab. This October I have been sober 2 years off Heroin and most Opiates (I had a medical situation earlier this year I took two Hydrocodones for pain and gave the rest of the bottle to my girlfriend.) Alcoholism is mildly controllable, my main problem is binge drinking, usually I have one and I am ok. I went back to school, got my life in order, I have a wonderful supportive and understanding girlfriend who has stood by me through incredible strife. I expect to finish my bachelors in Computer Science in two years, at least that's the plan.
Now for where I currently stand with porn, I consider porn to be an amorphous entity, for some its a release or a fantasy. For me, it has become a coping mechanism for anxiety/sexual obsession, I never realized until now that its become so ingrained into me that I have let it define my character. I'm tired and I want it to stop, My girlfriend is someone who is a wonderful human being and I am truly blessed to have, and it's unfair to her that I keep this habit up and I hate the guilt that comes with it. I honestly hope to marry her one day, and this is the very last addiction I have to face, get rid of, and stop now. I will admit it's hard, I define myself to be a sexual person by nature, I compliment my girlfriend all the time however sometimes its not easy.
My sexual thoughts are obsessive, and I never truly realized it until I attempted a reboot. I talked to my girlfriend about it and she told me my behavior and how compulsive/obsessive it can be. I rebooted for 16 days, then relapsed and binged and masturbated 3 times in a single day. This is where it becomes tricky, my girlfriend has female sexual dysfunction, she has had a partner who was sexually abusive in the past. I have never tried to force her into sex against her will or anything of the like, to me its morally wrong, I will admit I am aggressive sexually and I try to rein it in, but the lack of sexual interest makes it hard. I love her, I really do love her, I am trying to change my life for better circumstances so that we can have a prosperous future together. However I cant help the negative thoughts that come with the sexual dysfunction, I feel odd asking myself "Is she sexually attracted to me?" "Does she prefer masturbation over me?/Am I good enough sexually?" its really hard being a man and asking myself these questions. :'( She has reassured me that I am good enough, and it isn't my fault, but I cant help feeling like it is. When I have these feelings I often use porn as a coping mechanism. This is partially from sexual frustration, and low self esteem, especially when I am incredibly self conscious physically.
I'm tired of using porn, I really am sick of it, I like the female figure, but its a obsessive need to study/feed the addiction, my mind solely revolves around the idea of sex. When I masturbate, I dont even feel turned on, its just satisfying a need (the reward of orgasm).
However, with these circumstances it is hard to not give into porn, I want to ask has anyone had similar circumstances or figured out a way to deal with them?
My goal here is to start a journal and to dialog all my feelings, positive or negative, obsessive/frustration, my journey with porn ends now.
This post is going to be a big step for me, I have been a heavy Porn user since I was 12 years old, now that im almost 25 I have decided it needs to stop. The main reason I was into porn was purely fascination and curiosity with sex, which I think anyone can mainly understand. However masturbation became a coping mechanism and that's where I feel that the fascination and curiosity became obsession. I would find things or specific clips that turned me on the most, dipping into the sweet height of the feeling (edging) and then reap the rewards of my endeavor (orgasm). Actually, when I first started I had a very large fear of premature ejaculation, getting boners in front of girls, etc. and I used the pornography as a coping mechanism for raging hormones and in my mind, desensitizing myself. So when I finally did have sex, I wouldn't face the dreaded embarrassment of being a minute man.
However I am past puberty and coping is no longer necessary, I've been through alot of things as much as any normal person can take. I was formerly a polydrug user, my main drugs of choice being
1. Heroin
2. Alcohol
3. Marijauana
After Overdosing in 2012 and realizing the full effects of my choices on the well-being of others and loved ones, I went to out patient rehab. This October I have been sober 2 years off Heroin and most Opiates (I had a medical situation earlier this year I took two Hydrocodones for pain and gave the rest of the bottle to my girlfriend.) Alcoholism is mildly controllable, my main problem is binge drinking, usually I have one and I am ok. I went back to school, got my life in order, I have a wonderful supportive and understanding girlfriend who has stood by me through incredible strife. I expect to finish my bachelors in Computer Science in two years, at least that's the plan.
Now for where I currently stand with porn, I consider porn to be an amorphous entity, for some its a release or a fantasy. For me, it has become a coping mechanism for anxiety/sexual obsession, I never realized until now that its become so ingrained into me that I have let it define my character. I'm tired and I want it to stop, My girlfriend is someone who is a wonderful human being and I am truly blessed to have, and it's unfair to her that I keep this habit up and I hate the guilt that comes with it. I honestly hope to marry her one day, and this is the very last addiction I have to face, get rid of, and stop now. I will admit it's hard, I define myself to be a sexual person by nature, I compliment my girlfriend all the time however sometimes its not easy.
My sexual thoughts are obsessive, and I never truly realized it until I attempted a reboot. I talked to my girlfriend about it and she told me my behavior and how compulsive/obsessive it can be. I rebooted for 16 days, then relapsed and binged and masturbated 3 times in a single day. This is where it becomes tricky, my girlfriend has female sexual dysfunction, she has had a partner who was sexually abusive in the past. I have never tried to force her into sex against her will or anything of the like, to me its morally wrong, I will admit I am aggressive sexually and I try to rein it in, but the lack of sexual interest makes it hard. I love her, I really do love her, I am trying to change my life for better circumstances so that we can have a prosperous future together. However I cant help the negative thoughts that come with the sexual dysfunction, I feel odd asking myself "Is she sexually attracted to me?" "Does she prefer masturbation over me?/Am I good enough sexually?" its really hard being a man and asking myself these questions. :'( She has reassured me that I am good enough, and it isn't my fault, but I cant help feeling like it is. When I have these feelings I often use porn as a coping mechanism. This is partially from sexual frustration, and low self esteem, especially when I am incredibly self conscious physically.
I'm tired of using porn, I really am sick of it, I like the female figure, but its a obsessive need to study/feed the addiction, my mind solely revolves around the idea of sex. When I masturbate, I dont even feel turned on, its just satisfying a need (the reward of orgasm).
However, with these circumstances it is hard to not give into porn, I want to ask has anyone had similar circumstances or figured out a way to deal with them?
My goal here is to start a journal and to dialog all my feelings, positive or negative, obsessive/frustration, my journey with porn ends now.
