I've spent years convincing myself I wasn't addicted to porn. I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to be one of those "weirdos." I just couldn't.
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
I'm just another random dude who fell for porn as a child and made it fit into his life. "It's just another habit," I told myself.
But before I start talking about my realization I was addicted, I feel it's important to share my past, to show where I come from.
I began masturbating in my third year of middle school. Everybody was talking about it during recess. It made me curious so when 2 years older neighbor told me about how great it was and how I could try, I was in. A few days later, while browsing the computer I shared with my brother, I found in the history a website with a strange name. I clicked on it and a naked woman appeared on the screen. I looked around an saw the floor was empty. This was my first time masturbating.
From this day onward, I pleasured myself regularly, never thinking twice about it.
Years passed. I had a girlfriend in early in high school but we didn't try to have sex. The first time I had sex was in University, with a woman that satisfied all my wildest dreams. She had beautiful curves, dark hair, and blue eyes that transperced me. I was awful at it but still loved it. I then went on to have a few more relationships, all incredible in their own right, all filled with love, and all ending within a year (often due to the girl/me leaving the country).
Falling into perverting habits
Around 2009, while traveling on a overnight-train and sleeping on the top bunk, I looked down and saw a woman with a large cleavage putting her hair back. I don't remember what triggered me to think of doing this but I took a picture of her. A few days later, alone in my room, I masturbated to it. This was the beginning of a habit that plagued me for years.
While I didn't take pictures of strangers regularly, I began changing the angle of my pictures of girl friends. I would make sure the cleavage would fully be in the picture. I would arrange the angle so the curves would show. And sometimes, I'd take a sneaky picture of them from the back. I then saved those deep into my external disk never to be found (or shared) with anybody.
I was already feeling back for doing this but I think I also thought I didn't hurt anybody since I didn't share those pictures. I tried to convince myself probably. I believe the first true realization of how wrong this was, was 2 years after I first had sex with the girl mentioned above. By then, we weren't going out together but we would have sex once every few months when we'd both be in our hometowns. This time, it had been 6 months and I knew I'd be leaving again for a while so, when I woke up in the middle of the night, I grabbed my phone, pulled the cover a bit and took a few pictures.
The next morning, we said "talk soon" and she never replied to a single one of my messages ever since. I am convinced she woke up and felt disgusted by what I had done. I was and am too. And yet, it didn't stop me.
Soon after, I began living most of my time outside of my native country, France. I lived in Japan for close to 6 years, in Korea for 3 months, and in China for 7. Most of my exes are of Asian descent, although this wasn't why I went out with them.
Living in Japan was a magnificent experience but it was also the place that made me start to realize there truly was a problem with how I was evolving and who I was becoming. With the short skirts and my interest with for legs, my eyesight dropped to look at legs everywhere I went.
I began taking more pictures of strangers. One day, being too frustrated of the number of blurry pictures I had, I found a "hidden camera" app that would allow me to take videos unnoticed. I then took screenshots of my favorite bits using a video player. The realization of how "organized" I was in doing something that was clearly perverted sickened me.
But not enough for me to stop. The fact of being able to imagine seeing more kept me going despite the shame.
I kept doing this again and again until 2020 but it wasn't until earlier late 2021 that I uninstalled the app. Yet, the urge is still there. Just a month ago, standing in front of a woman with an impressive cleavage, I looked for the app in the uninstalled ones and, luckily, didn't find it before she got off.
While I had at one point deleted the videos themselves, I finally erased the pictures only at the end of last month, following a series of frustrated days masturbating too much.
The addiction
I've read about porn addiction and sex addiction for a few years but never really pictured myself as being addicted for a few reasons:
I've been working as a freelance for the past 2 years, which has only allowed me to make masturbating a part of my routine. On most days, this is the last thing I do before lunch or the first after, and one of the last things I do before getting ready to go to bed.
As a result, I feel less motivated for my tasks, ashamed, and most importantly alone in a fight I don't know how to resolve.
Joining the team
About 2 weeks ago, I saw the three part documentary about the impact of porn. I then didn't masturbate for 5 days straight despite living at home and not being overly busy. I thought I was on a good path. And then I relapsed.
I thought I'd start again the next day but then I masturbated again. I succeeded in skipping one day but then did it 3 times the next. And two the one after, etc.
As a single man, I feel both unlucky not to have a partner to share this with and lucky to not have to make them go through it.
I almost mentioned it to my best friend but pulled back.
This is how my journey has brought me here.
I've told myself I could stop masturbating and stop being a pervert many times. And each time, I failed on my own.
This time, I plan to make myself accountable, to share my struggles with a community that's going through a different version of the same hardships. I can't promise I'll be great at it, but I can promise I'll try my best.
So, today, September 13th, 2022, is Day 1.
I'm not aiming for 90 days yet. I don't want to aim for something I've failed too many times.
Instead, I'll aim for one full week first and, once I make it, will push it to either 2 weeks or a month.
Let's see.
(Oh, and thanks for reading if you lasted all the way down here!
)
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
I'm just another random dude who fell for porn as a child and made it fit into his life. "It's just another habit," I told myself.
But before I start talking about my realization I was addicted, I feel it's important to share my past, to show where I come from.
I began masturbating in my third year of middle school. Everybody was talking about it during recess. It made me curious so when 2 years older neighbor told me about how great it was and how I could try, I was in. A few days later, while browsing the computer I shared with my brother, I found in the history a website with a strange name. I clicked on it and a naked woman appeared on the screen. I looked around an saw the floor was empty. This was my first time masturbating.
From this day onward, I pleasured myself regularly, never thinking twice about it.
Years passed. I had a girlfriend in early in high school but we didn't try to have sex. The first time I had sex was in University, with a woman that satisfied all my wildest dreams. She had beautiful curves, dark hair, and blue eyes that transperced me. I was awful at it but still loved it. I then went on to have a few more relationships, all incredible in their own right, all filled with love, and all ending within a year (often due to the girl/me leaving the country).
Falling into perverting habits
Around 2009, while traveling on a overnight-train and sleeping on the top bunk, I looked down and saw a woman with a large cleavage putting her hair back. I don't remember what triggered me to think of doing this but I took a picture of her. A few days later, alone in my room, I masturbated to it. This was the beginning of a habit that plagued me for years.
While I didn't take pictures of strangers regularly, I began changing the angle of my pictures of girl friends. I would make sure the cleavage would fully be in the picture. I would arrange the angle so the curves would show. And sometimes, I'd take a sneaky picture of them from the back. I then saved those deep into my external disk never to be found (or shared) with anybody.
I was already feeling back for doing this but I think I also thought I didn't hurt anybody since I didn't share those pictures. I tried to convince myself probably. I believe the first true realization of how wrong this was, was 2 years after I first had sex with the girl mentioned above. By then, we weren't going out together but we would have sex once every few months when we'd both be in our hometowns. This time, it had been 6 months and I knew I'd be leaving again for a while so, when I woke up in the middle of the night, I grabbed my phone, pulled the cover a bit and took a few pictures.
The next morning, we said "talk soon" and she never replied to a single one of my messages ever since. I am convinced she woke up and felt disgusted by what I had done. I was and am too. And yet, it didn't stop me.
Soon after, I began living most of my time outside of my native country, France. I lived in Japan for close to 6 years, in Korea for 3 months, and in China for 7. Most of my exes are of Asian descent, although this wasn't why I went out with them.
Living in Japan was a magnificent experience but it was also the place that made me start to realize there truly was a problem with how I was evolving and who I was becoming. With the short skirts and my interest with for legs, my eyesight dropped to look at legs everywhere I went.
I began taking more pictures of strangers. One day, being too frustrated of the number of blurry pictures I had, I found a "hidden camera" app that would allow me to take videos unnoticed. I then took screenshots of my favorite bits using a video player. The realization of how "organized" I was in doing something that was clearly perverted sickened me.
But not enough for me to stop. The fact of being able to imagine seeing more kept me going despite the shame.
I kept doing this again and again until 2020 but it wasn't until earlier late 2021 that I uninstalled the app. Yet, the urge is still there. Just a month ago, standing in front of a woman with an impressive cleavage, I looked for the app in the uninstalled ones and, luckily, didn't find it before she got off.
While I had at one point deleted the videos themselves, I finally erased the pictures only at the end of last month, following a series of frustrated days masturbating too much.
The addiction
I've read about porn addiction and sex addiction for a few years but never really pictured myself as being addicted for a few reasons:
- I kept having normal relationships (both loving and friendships)
- The porn I watched never became harder or more kinky. I stuck to similar porn as I did when I was younger. There are some scenes I've watched since 2010 on an almost daily basis.
- I never got erectal dysfunction when I had sex with my exes. (I did, however, often ejaculate prematurely which might be what seems to be called "porn-induced PE"?)
- My life/work were never deeply impacted.
I've been working as a freelance for the past 2 years, which has only allowed me to make masturbating a part of my routine. On most days, this is the last thing I do before lunch or the first after, and one of the last things I do before getting ready to go to bed.
As a result, I feel less motivated for my tasks, ashamed, and most importantly alone in a fight I don't know how to resolve.
Joining the team
About 2 weeks ago, I saw the three part documentary about the impact of porn. I then didn't masturbate for 5 days straight despite living at home and not being overly busy. I thought I was on a good path. And then I relapsed.
I thought I'd start again the next day but then I masturbated again. I succeeded in skipping one day but then did it 3 times the next. And two the one after, etc.
As a single man, I feel both unlucky not to have a partner to share this with and lucky to not have to make them go through it.
I almost mentioned it to my best friend but pulled back.
This is how my journey has brought me here.
I've told myself I could stop masturbating and stop being a pervert many times. And each time, I failed on my own.
This time, I plan to make myself accountable, to share my struggles with a community that's going through a different version of the same hardships. I can't promise I'll be great at it, but I can promise I'll try my best.
So, today, September 13th, 2022, is Day 1.
I'm not aiming for 90 days yet. I don't want to aim for something I've failed too many times.
Instead, I'll aim for one full week first and, once I make it, will push it to either 2 weeks or a month.
Let's see.
(Oh, and thanks for reading if you lasted all the way down here!
)