anonymous69
New Member
Hey all, I've suffered from PMO for around the past five years but never really even realized it. I haven't told anyone my story and I feel like I should to help better my chances of a strong recovery.
Well, here it goes...
Right now I'm 18 and a freshman in college. My addiction started when I was 13 and in the height of puberty. All I can remember is the intense rush of endorphins I had back then. Everything felt pleasurable and I felt like I had a deep purpose in my life. However, my relationships with women (girls at that time) were never as strong as they should have been. I've always been a good looking guy and girls have always come onto me, but my self confidence started to erode after a got bullied in middle school. I also started noticing that my skills with girls sucked (they would come onto me because of my looks but I couldn't back it up with my personality). Anyways, back when I was 13, I was horny and happy all the time. Even though I rarely hung out with anyone, I would always have an intense endorphin rush, but my problem at that time was I didn't know how to jack off at all. I was always afraid of jacking off because I felt like I would pass out once I have the magical "orgasm" I had read about on websites when I was first started learning about sex. So, I would start edging all the time. My brain would be in an intense state of peak arousal and the rush of endorphins would be intoxicating all day. This was right around the time when I started 8th grade. When I started, I noticed that I would start swallowing in class. I felt shy, self conscious, and many times I just didn't want to talk to people at all. This was the start of my social and generalized anxiety. My anxiety got so bad that I started throwing up and the doctors put me on a program that let me stay home and have a tutor come and teach me. During this time I was talking to a girl over Facebook that I had met in school and playing Xbox every single day while having 'virtual' friends I had met on gaming forums. Oh and I was also watching porn 10 hours a day but never ejaculating. Sounds pretty pathetic, right? It is.
Finally around late December of 2009, I started edging so much to porn that it became intolerable. I was constantly jacking off but never climaxing and it was unbearable. I finally squeezed one out and it was the most intense thing I have ever gone through. Six months of puberty came to an end and it was a 30 second, 60mph release. After that I stopped talking to the girl at school and went all out on the porn. And there was no real life social interaction with anyone since I didn't have to go to school. This was a strong base for my social anxiety to start, and it was nonstop porn for 13 hours a day. My parents never questioned what I was doing so I just destroyed it jacking off endlessly. It was porn every single second of the day, only to take breaks to shower and get more lotion. Oh, and most days I would play Modern Warfare 2 and jack off during the one minute break between matches. As you can tell, I had the picture perfect foundation to fuck up my life with porn addiction from an early age. This basically continued for about six months. I had exhausted every fantasy and neurochemical in my brain and I noticed that around the six month mark, I would start having erection problems. Not serious ones, but I distinctly remember fapping to Eva Angelina and noticing that maybe I was damaging myself because the constant erection I had for six months didn't feel as strong as I thought it should. After that I ignored the signs and my entire brain was just focused on hardcore porn and when Halo Reach was going to come out. However, I still remembered I had strong endorphins and never really felt depressed at all, I was just always anxious. Around the eight month mark I noticed my fantasies would become more intense. I had exhausted every possible fantasy with girls I knew and started watching hardcore gangbangs, triple anal, bondage porn, and just things that normally wouldn't turn me on. Around this time I started high school. The first day of high school was probably the most damaging day of my life for my self esteem. I had been enrolled in choir class and every single girl thought I was the hottest guy on the planet. After nearly eight months of constantly jacking off, I had super hot girls all around me in real life and it was such an overload. My brain was still thinking great, I could fuck any one of them but socially I was a mess. After being isolated for that long I just felt like shit about everything in my life. I probably made every single mistake in terms of body language and with my conversational skills with them. All those girls eventually realized I was boring and stopped talking to me. My overall endorphins were still really high so I wasn't feeling depressed yet. The porn would go on but I began to notice that the constant "feel good feeling" was beginning to go down. Like on a graph it had surged up but now it was in the falling down stage. Around the start of 2011 (one year after the addiction started), my endorphins began to flatline. Now whenever I would listen to any song, it wouldn't carry much of any emotion. Every day didn't feel good at all. I never hung out with anyone and just kept to myself and my porn addiction. It would get bad and I started to eventually feel depressed. I never knew that porn could be doing this but it was. My erections were weak unless I was watching porn, and even so they weren't strong and I couldn't maintain them. It stayed this way for basically 4 years. I've been in a constant flatline ever since. I've had bad depression, low appetite, severe porn induced ED, bad brain fog, chronically low energy, and worsening social anxiety during this time. I've also made painful strides to stop fapping about three times during those four years. One time I went for exactly a month but binged because I thought I was in a massive flatline (this was before I knew what that was). But around September 2014, I became really depressed after binge fapping so I looked up this website. I read the articles and was amazed at how perfect this information was in relation to me. I read everything so I decided that I was going to end my porn addiction permanently. So on September 12, 2014, I rewatched all the porn videos that played a big roll in my addiction and said goodbye to porn forever.
I've been porn free ever since then. Plus I've put myself on track to improve my social skills with women and actually get into a satisfying relationship. I've been watching simple pickup and approaching as many girls as I can. It feels really good to actually start talking to real life potential partners.
However, I have fapped more than a few times since then. I know fapping is not as bad as watching porn, but my dreams are still about porn and not real women.
I also need a lot of help curing my premature ejaculation. Because I was basically in a situation where I was fapping 5-25 times a day (yes I counted) for so long and I literally cum after only 10 seconds. Even now my neurology is so pre programmed to cum fast that if I even touch my dick to pee it gets stimulated and starts getting hot.
My solution to this is to basically stop all contact with my penis. Even going as far as to pee while sitting down. I'm also going to start doing kegels to help better my sexual control and try to think about real life partners and getting an erection and maintaining it without any physical stimulation.
If you guys have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it and I hope my story helps to motivate others in similar circumstances.
I really appreciate it guys, and I wish the best to everyone and their recovery
Well, here it goes...
Right now I'm 18 and a freshman in college. My addiction started when I was 13 and in the height of puberty. All I can remember is the intense rush of endorphins I had back then. Everything felt pleasurable and I felt like I had a deep purpose in my life. However, my relationships with women (girls at that time) were never as strong as they should have been. I've always been a good looking guy and girls have always come onto me, but my self confidence started to erode after a got bullied in middle school. I also started noticing that my skills with girls sucked (they would come onto me because of my looks but I couldn't back it up with my personality). Anyways, back when I was 13, I was horny and happy all the time. Even though I rarely hung out with anyone, I would always have an intense endorphin rush, but my problem at that time was I didn't know how to jack off at all. I was always afraid of jacking off because I felt like I would pass out once I have the magical "orgasm" I had read about on websites when I was first started learning about sex. So, I would start edging all the time. My brain would be in an intense state of peak arousal and the rush of endorphins would be intoxicating all day. This was right around the time when I started 8th grade. When I started, I noticed that I would start swallowing in class. I felt shy, self conscious, and many times I just didn't want to talk to people at all. This was the start of my social and generalized anxiety. My anxiety got so bad that I started throwing up and the doctors put me on a program that let me stay home and have a tutor come and teach me. During this time I was talking to a girl over Facebook that I had met in school and playing Xbox every single day while having 'virtual' friends I had met on gaming forums. Oh and I was also watching porn 10 hours a day but never ejaculating. Sounds pretty pathetic, right? It is.
Finally around late December of 2009, I started edging so much to porn that it became intolerable. I was constantly jacking off but never climaxing and it was unbearable. I finally squeezed one out and it was the most intense thing I have ever gone through. Six months of puberty came to an end and it was a 30 second, 60mph release. After that I stopped talking to the girl at school and went all out on the porn. And there was no real life social interaction with anyone since I didn't have to go to school. This was a strong base for my social anxiety to start, and it was nonstop porn for 13 hours a day. My parents never questioned what I was doing so I just destroyed it jacking off endlessly. It was porn every single second of the day, only to take breaks to shower and get more lotion. Oh, and most days I would play Modern Warfare 2 and jack off during the one minute break between matches. As you can tell, I had the picture perfect foundation to fuck up my life with porn addiction from an early age. This basically continued for about six months. I had exhausted every fantasy and neurochemical in my brain and I noticed that around the six month mark, I would start having erection problems. Not serious ones, but I distinctly remember fapping to Eva Angelina and noticing that maybe I was damaging myself because the constant erection I had for six months didn't feel as strong as I thought it should. After that I ignored the signs and my entire brain was just focused on hardcore porn and when Halo Reach was going to come out. However, I still remembered I had strong endorphins and never really felt depressed at all, I was just always anxious. Around the eight month mark I noticed my fantasies would become more intense. I had exhausted every possible fantasy with girls I knew and started watching hardcore gangbangs, triple anal, bondage porn, and just things that normally wouldn't turn me on. Around this time I started high school. The first day of high school was probably the most damaging day of my life for my self esteem. I had been enrolled in choir class and every single girl thought I was the hottest guy on the planet. After nearly eight months of constantly jacking off, I had super hot girls all around me in real life and it was such an overload. My brain was still thinking great, I could fuck any one of them but socially I was a mess. After being isolated for that long I just felt like shit about everything in my life. I probably made every single mistake in terms of body language and with my conversational skills with them. All those girls eventually realized I was boring and stopped talking to me. My overall endorphins were still really high so I wasn't feeling depressed yet. The porn would go on but I began to notice that the constant "feel good feeling" was beginning to go down. Like on a graph it had surged up but now it was in the falling down stage. Around the start of 2011 (one year after the addiction started), my endorphins began to flatline. Now whenever I would listen to any song, it wouldn't carry much of any emotion. Every day didn't feel good at all. I never hung out with anyone and just kept to myself and my porn addiction. It would get bad and I started to eventually feel depressed. I never knew that porn could be doing this but it was. My erections were weak unless I was watching porn, and even so they weren't strong and I couldn't maintain them. It stayed this way for basically 4 years. I've been in a constant flatline ever since. I've had bad depression, low appetite, severe porn induced ED, bad brain fog, chronically low energy, and worsening social anxiety during this time. I've also made painful strides to stop fapping about three times during those four years. One time I went for exactly a month but binged because I thought I was in a massive flatline (this was before I knew what that was). But around September 2014, I became really depressed after binge fapping so I looked up this website. I read the articles and was amazed at how perfect this information was in relation to me. I read everything so I decided that I was going to end my porn addiction permanently. So on September 12, 2014, I rewatched all the porn videos that played a big roll in my addiction and said goodbye to porn forever.
I've been porn free ever since then. Plus I've put myself on track to improve my social skills with women and actually get into a satisfying relationship. I've been watching simple pickup and approaching as many girls as I can. It feels really good to actually start talking to real life potential partners.
However, I have fapped more than a few times since then. I know fapping is not as bad as watching porn, but my dreams are still about porn and not real women.
I also need a lot of help curing my premature ejaculation. Because I was basically in a situation where I was fapping 5-25 times a day (yes I counted) for so long and I literally cum after only 10 seconds. Even now my neurology is so pre programmed to cum fast that if I even touch my dick to pee it gets stimulated and starts getting hot.
My solution to this is to basically stop all contact with my penis. Even going as far as to pee while sitting down. I'm also going to start doing kegels to help better my sexual control and try to think about real life partners and getting an erection and maintaining it without any physical stimulation.
If you guys have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it and I hope my story helps to motivate others in similar circumstances.
I really appreciate it guys, and I wish the best to everyone and their recovery