juanito16k
New Member
Hey Guys,
first of all i have to apologize for my english i am not native and learned it kind of from television. Well i am struggling now a long time with, now i know HOCD. It startet with 13-14 as i saw a report of a gay couple on television and since then it stuckt in my head. I don't know why this fear got so deep in my head but in this time, i was a lot alone. I didn't had many friends and my parents worked a lot especially my father. I think the fear was to be even less accepted and recognized by society. At this time i was for Days really sick from this experience i was at home thinking i am gay and crying.
Well i don't know how but thinks got better i made some friends and got some respect from people. Especially from some Girls i was kind of in a group of boys and in the mean time cool with some pretty hot girls back in the days. It was a nice time because the girls really cared about me and i was in love with one of them. We had something for some weeks and over all those girls where kind of my dream girls by the way all of them make me randomly hard. En General some weeks my HOCD paranoia was totally blown away but if i got other problems those paranoias came back. So when my paranoias came i tried to do something with the girls because around them i felt good.
So the time goes by and i had sometimes bad HOCD paranoias, sometimes not so bad. But i think the real problem at this time was that i didn't know anything about OCDs and i thought i have to be gay because of having this thoughts. This was really hard because i couldn't explain my self on the one hand loving girls getting hard by them and on the other hand this thoughts.
Later at 16-17 i got pretty bad acne and i started to pull my self back in to my world. I started to smoke hash and weed first only on the weekend later in the week and i also started to watch porn. I actually started to watch porn pretty early with 14-15 but it was first more the kick of doing something forbidden. But later i used it to satisfy my unfulfilled sexual desires of girls and i watch every day maybe 30min to an hour by jerk off 1-2 a day maybe 3 times. In the short-term smoking pod and watching porn helped to get over this HOCD thoughts but in the long run it got worser and worser.
At 18-19 i started with speed and xtc and i got into a surrounding of friend which where drug related. I would not say that it was a bad time but well drugs only cover problems they do not solve them. So after 2-3 years of harder drugs, party and also HOCD ups and downs, i had to do something - i had to get out of this environment and i signup for a year abroad. I ve bin to mexico and quit drugs, lived kind of a good life (sport, friends...) . I got to know some really nice girls and i had on of my first real relationsships, it was a nice time in my life - at the end of the year i even laugh about this HOCD stuff and i though i am cured of all this.
But i had to go home and start university studies. The first time was okay and i even got to know a girl but i realized that i didnt love her. So all my fears and paranoias kicked back again and i also got into bad exam nerves. With all this fears i started to believe once again that i am gay.
So i am told my self well you have to try it with a guy to know if you are gay. I tried it once with a guy, it was really wired i wasn't exited like i would with a girl - like being hard of the excitement before going to her and stuff. I didn't want to kiss the guy or even touch him but well he blow me and i came. Afterwards i felt really bad i was close to kill my self. But the fact that i came and got hard will he tried to blow me was enough to really think i am gay. So i tired it once again with him but it was the same i wasn't attracted to him it was just creepy sex. I went once again through the part of bad feeling and near to kill my self so i stopped it. But after some weeks or even month the thoughts came back - "like well it wasn't the right guy but you got in the end of the day hard so you are gay". So i tried it after some months with another guy but it was the same. I mean i got hard as he tries to touch my penis and i came after a while but afterwards i just wanted to get away there and i didn't want to touch him or kiss him or do anything to him. After this experience i needed month to get my self back together this was about 1 1/2 year ago since than i never tried it again and i don't feel like to try it again ever, in fact i am pretty sure that i never want to experience something like this again.
But the problem is, that the thoughts or spikes of this didn't left my brain so since maybe 3-4 month i am aware of the HOCD and this page. So i stopped watching porn of any kind since than and also stoppt jerk off for 3 month. But i had 3 times sex in this time with girls so i don't know if this stopped the healing process because it was more casual sex. And another hard thing is the flatline time i nearly got crazy and my HOCD once again was really strong. I had 4 wet dreams 2 of them from gaysex. those wet dreams from gaysex where so confusing i needed days to overcome them i was once again thrown in to pieces. I mean i also got the advantages by feeling stronger, feeling better, more confidence around girls and not thinking all the time about sex - it was actually great and i think i could feel my real sexuality. This time showed me that i am really dealing with HOCD i guess! But those gay wet dreams feared me and also the flatline time. Have anybody had experiences with this?
Since 2-3 Weeks i jerked off for the first time in month i couldn't stand it i had some really strong phantasies about a girl i had sex with some month ago. So after the first time i tried to hold on for a week and than i jerk off once again and now i am at 2-3 days period. I feel a lot better than before because before i did it kind of every day to porn and stuff and i felt addicted. Now its more about getting away the horney feeling it feels healthier. But i am still struggling with HOCD and the last to times i was aroused by a girl with who am i writing massages with and well i tried to jerk off to it and seconds before i came i thought about gaysex with my new roommate and than i came really hard. But i don't like him at all i would never have sex with him or anything i am more pissed by him then anything els.
At the moment i am kind of okay because in this weird masturbation phantasies which kicked in, i can kind of see the illness of my thoughts or maybe the surreality of those phantasies but i don't feel like it should be - if you know what i mean? I mean deep down there iam still asking my self are you gay? Well and at the same time deep down there i know that i am not gay and this is the thing which is killing me from time to time.
first of all i have to apologize for my english i am not native and learned it kind of from television. Well i am struggling now a long time with, now i know HOCD. It startet with 13-14 as i saw a report of a gay couple on television and since then it stuckt in my head. I don't know why this fear got so deep in my head but in this time, i was a lot alone. I didn't had many friends and my parents worked a lot especially my father. I think the fear was to be even less accepted and recognized by society. At this time i was for Days really sick from this experience i was at home thinking i am gay and crying.
Well i don't know how but thinks got better i made some friends and got some respect from people. Especially from some Girls i was kind of in a group of boys and in the mean time cool with some pretty hot girls back in the days. It was a nice time because the girls really cared about me and i was in love with one of them. We had something for some weeks and over all those girls where kind of my dream girls by the way all of them make me randomly hard. En General some weeks my HOCD paranoia was totally blown away but if i got other problems those paranoias came back. So when my paranoias came i tried to do something with the girls because around them i felt good.
So the time goes by and i had sometimes bad HOCD paranoias, sometimes not so bad. But i think the real problem at this time was that i didn't know anything about OCDs and i thought i have to be gay because of having this thoughts. This was really hard because i couldn't explain my self on the one hand loving girls getting hard by them and on the other hand this thoughts.
Later at 16-17 i got pretty bad acne and i started to pull my self back in to my world. I started to smoke hash and weed first only on the weekend later in the week and i also started to watch porn. I actually started to watch porn pretty early with 14-15 but it was first more the kick of doing something forbidden. But later i used it to satisfy my unfulfilled sexual desires of girls and i watch every day maybe 30min to an hour by jerk off 1-2 a day maybe 3 times. In the short-term smoking pod and watching porn helped to get over this HOCD thoughts but in the long run it got worser and worser.
At 18-19 i started with speed and xtc and i got into a surrounding of friend which where drug related. I would not say that it was a bad time but well drugs only cover problems they do not solve them. So after 2-3 years of harder drugs, party and also HOCD ups and downs, i had to do something - i had to get out of this environment and i signup for a year abroad. I ve bin to mexico and quit drugs, lived kind of a good life (sport, friends...) . I got to know some really nice girls and i had on of my first real relationsships, it was a nice time in my life - at the end of the year i even laugh about this HOCD stuff and i though i am cured of all this.
But i had to go home and start university studies. The first time was okay and i even got to know a girl but i realized that i didnt love her. So all my fears and paranoias kicked back again and i also got into bad exam nerves. With all this fears i started to believe once again that i am gay.
So i am told my self well you have to try it with a guy to know if you are gay. I tried it once with a guy, it was really wired i wasn't exited like i would with a girl - like being hard of the excitement before going to her and stuff. I didn't want to kiss the guy or even touch him but well he blow me and i came. Afterwards i felt really bad i was close to kill my self. But the fact that i came and got hard will he tried to blow me was enough to really think i am gay. So i tired it once again with him but it was the same i wasn't attracted to him it was just creepy sex. I went once again through the part of bad feeling and near to kill my self so i stopped it. But after some weeks or even month the thoughts came back - "like well it wasn't the right guy but you got in the end of the day hard so you are gay". So i tried it after some months with another guy but it was the same. I mean i got hard as he tries to touch my penis and i came after a while but afterwards i just wanted to get away there and i didn't want to touch him or kiss him or do anything to him. After this experience i needed month to get my self back together this was about 1 1/2 year ago since than i never tried it again and i don't feel like to try it again ever, in fact i am pretty sure that i never want to experience something like this again.
But the problem is, that the thoughts or spikes of this didn't left my brain so since maybe 3-4 month i am aware of the HOCD and this page. So i stopped watching porn of any kind since than and also stoppt jerk off for 3 month. But i had 3 times sex in this time with girls so i don't know if this stopped the healing process because it was more casual sex. And another hard thing is the flatline time i nearly got crazy and my HOCD once again was really strong. I had 4 wet dreams 2 of them from gaysex. those wet dreams from gaysex where so confusing i needed days to overcome them i was once again thrown in to pieces. I mean i also got the advantages by feeling stronger, feeling better, more confidence around girls and not thinking all the time about sex - it was actually great and i think i could feel my real sexuality. This time showed me that i am really dealing with HOCD i guess! But those gay wet dreams feared me and also the flatline time. Have anybody had experiences with this?
Since 2-3 Weeks i jerked off for the first time in month i couldn't stand it i had some really strong phantasies about a girl i had sex with some month ago. So after the first time i tried to hold on for a week and than i jerk off once again and now i am at 2-3 days period. I feel a lot better than before because before i did it kind of every day to porn and stuff and i felt addicted. Now its more about getting away the horney feeling it feels healthier. But i am still struggling with HOCD and the last to times i was aroused by a girl with who am i writing massages with and well i tried to jerk off to it and seconds before i came i thought about gaysex with my new roommate and than i came really hard. But i don't like him at all i would never have sex with him or anything i am more pissed by him then anything els.
At the moment i am kind of okay because in this weird masturbation phantasies which kicked in, i can kind of see the illness of my thoughts or maybe the surreality of those phantasies but i don't feel like it should be - if you know what i mean? I mean deep down there iam still asking my self are you gay? Well and at the same time deep down there i know that i am not gay and this is the thing which is killing me from time to time.
