sinaloatinaloa
Member
Day 1
I'm in my early 40s, and have been living the most f*cked up kind of f*cked up life you could ever imagine.
I started watching porn on VHS tapes in the 6th grade, where I would get aroused both by the men and the women. I started reading hardcover encyclopedias about sexual intercourse back in junior high school to get aroused (who does that?!). I remember being a teenager and being more aroused by the words describing sex in the encyclopedia than by the girl I liked back then. I had serious confusion about my sexuality and used to crush on my best friends before I even knew what it was (I'm a guy) while dating girls that I was genuinely attracted to.
Since junior high, it has been a roller coaster with porn. I had my first real sexual awakening with a girl when I was a sophomore in college who I had sex with, but then rejected her because I was embarrassed at the fact that she made me climax. That same year I saw my first gay porn. All of this occurred while I was heavily involved in my church. See what I mean? F*cked up. And it went downhill from there.
Fast-forward to my early 40s and I've had two serious relationships. The first was with... "Mary" and lasted just over a year and I broke up with her because I was so embarrassed by my addiction to porn (gay porn to be exact). I broke her heart because I was way too transparent at the end and told her too much detail about my struggles. She was convinced I didn't really want her, despite the fact that I had my most powerful orgasms with her.
The second major relationship with "Evangeline" recently ended less than 3 months ago after nearly 3 years. My addiction to porn and my porn-induced ED so bad by the end that every time sex was on the table, I would become so nervous about potentially not being able to 'keep it up' that my strategy became to get her real tired by staying up late so that she would be too exhausted to want to have sex... see? F*cked up. Unlike with my first LTR with Mary, I spared Evangeline the details of my addiction because I didn't want her to hurt as much as I made Mary hurt when we ended things.
So, here I find myself alone for the first time in years. Selfishly, I feel FINALLY able to concentrate on solely on myself... on putting this porn business behind me for good. Now that I'm not in a relationship, the guilt of f*cking around with porn, ruining my libido, ruining my mood, ruining my personality, and ruining my overall outlook on life is not something I have to worry about inflicting on Mary, Evangeline, or anyone else. When I was in relationships dealing with this sh*t, that guilt just sent me over the edge on endless spirals of porn. It tormented me to a level I can't even explain. For years. Evangeline had no idea specifically why I was such a basketcase because I spared her the details of the depths of my sickness. I think she just thought I was insane. And I can't argue with that assessment. But I know that version of me is "the me on porn." I truly don't think that it is the true me. At least I hope it isn't.
Now that I'm alone and there is no relationship to produce within me the guilt that comes from constantly lying by omission, I'm finally in a position to tough out this process of giving up porn for the rest of my life. I feel ready to flatline without having to explain it to anyone. I feel ready to experience depressed feelings without having to explain why. I feel ready to be tearful and maybe even cry without needing to explain it to a significant other. I say "I feel ready" for all of these things because I know that they are all part of normal reboot and recovery.
And. I. Want. To. Recover. Once and for all.
I hope this reboot will help me straighten out my mind. I hope leaving porn will cause my years-long depression and anxious feelings to finally resolve over time as I continue to increase my time 'sober.' I hope this reboot will bring clarity to my sexual confusion. I hope this reboot will bring a spring back to my penis when I see a pretty girl, like it used to when I was younger. And I hope this reboot will restore to me my personality, which used to be fun-loving decades ago, before I let porn take over my entire life.
These are a lot of "wishes" that I'm attaching to giving up pornography. Yet, I've learned that there is no harm in expressing one's hopes and dreams for the future. As I see things, it is conceivable that in 100-200 days (sometime between mid April and Mid July) that some of my wishes just might come true if I stick with it. And at that time, I would be more than thrilled to look back at this day-1 post and thank God for bringing me to a place I never thought possible.
That said, I am not foolish enough to ignore the fact that there will be many many MANY, very very VERY hard, and VERY DARK days that I will need to live through between now and months from now. And I'm hoping this journal will help my commitment to stay the course.
I've never actually put in writing with such honesty the depth of the depravity of my background and my life's story. The anonymity helps. That said, I know I'm a piece of sh*t. I know I have treated my relationships like trash. And I hope that giving up this addiction will peel away my personal onion and restore empathy inside me that would reject impulses to treat others so poorly in the future.
So, as bizarro as this post is (hence the name of my thread), I welcome all the support that this thread might offer.
I did not use porn today. Instead I spent much of the day installing a few apps on all of my devices (not just one app) to really limit the various access points that I have to porn. I'm hoping that separation serve as a much needed crutch while I develop my 'sea legs' as a sober non-porn watching grown man. Here goes nothing!
I'm in my early 40s, and have been living the most f*cked up kind of f*cked up life you could ever imagine.
I started watching porn on VHS tapes in the 6th grade, where I would get aroused both by the men and the women. I started reading hardcover encyclopedias about sexual intercourse back in junior high school to get aroused (who does that?!). I remember being a teenager and being more aroused by the words describing sex in the encyclopedia than by the girl I liked back then. I had serious confusion about my sexuality and used to crush on my best friends before I even knew what it was (I'm a guy) while dating girls that I was genuinely attracted to.
Since junior high, it has been a roller coaster with porn. I had my first real sexual awakening with a girl when I was a sophomore in college who I had sex with, but then rejected her because I was embarrassed at the fact that she made me climax. That same year I saw my first gay porn. All of this occurred while I was heavily involved in my church. See what I mean? F*cked up. And it went downhill from there.
Fast-forward to my early 40s and I've had two serious relationships. The first was with... "Mary" and lasted just over a year and I broke up with her because I was so embarrassed by my addiction to porn (gay porn to be exact). I broke her heart because I was way too transparent at the end and told her too much detail about my struggles. She was convinced I didn't really want her, despite the fact that I had my most powerful orgasms with her.
The second major relationship with "Evangeline" recently ended less than 3 months ago after nearly 3 years. My addiction to porn and my porn-induced ED so bad by the end that every time sex was on the table, I would become so nervous about potentially not being able to 'keep it up' that my strategy became to get her real tired by staying up late so that she would be too exhausted to want to have sex... see? F*cked up. Unlike with my first LTR with Mary, I spared Evangeline the details of my addiction because I didn't want her to hurt as much as I made Mary hurt when we ended things.
So, here I find myself alone for the first time in years. Selfishly, I feel FINALLY able to concentrate on solely on myself... on putting this porn business behind me for good. Now that I'm not in a relationship, the guilt of f*cking around with porn, ruining my libido, ruining my mood, ruining my personality, and ruining my overall outlook on life is not something I have to worry about inflicting on Mary, Evangeline, or anyone else. When I was in relationships dealing with this sh*t, that guilt just sent me over the edge on endless spirals of porn. It tormented me to a level I can't even explain. For years. Evangeline had no idea specifically why I was such a basketcase because I spared her the details of the depths of my sickness. I think she just thought I was insane. And I can't argue with that assessment. But I know that version of me is "the me on porn." I truly don't think that it is the true me. At least I hope it isn't.
Now that I'm alone and there is no relationship to produce within me the guilt that comes from constantly lying by omission, I'm finally in a position to tough out this process of giving up porn for the rest of my life. I feel ready to flatline without having to explain it to anyone. I feel ready to experience depressed feelings without having to explain why. I feel ready to be tearful and maybe even cry without needing to explain it to a significant other. I say "I feel ready" for all of these things because I know that they are all part of normal reboot and recovery.
And. I. Want. To. Recover. Once and for all.
I hope this reboot will help me straighten out my mind. I hope leaving porn will cause my years-long depression and anxious feelings to finally resolve over time as I continue to increase my time 'sober.' I hope this reboot will bring clarity to my sexual confusion. I hope this reboot will bring a spring back to my penis when I see a pretty girl, like it used to when I was younger. And I hope this reboot will restore to me my personality, which used to be fun-loving decades ago, before I let porn take over my entire life.
These are a lot of "wishes" that I'm attaching to giving up pornography. Yet, I've learned that there is no harm in expressing one's hopes and dreams for the future. As I see things, it is conceivable that in 100-200 days (sometime between mid April and Mid July) that some of my wishes just might come true if I stick with it. And at that time, I would be more than thrilled to look back at this day-1 post and thank God for bringing me to a place I never thought possible.
That said, I am not foolish enough to ignore the fact that there will be many many MANY, very very VERY hard, and VERY DARK days that I will need to live through between now and months from now. And I'm hoping this journal will help my commitment to stay the course.
I've never actually put in writing with such honesty the depth of the depravity of my background and my life's story. The anonymity helps. That said, I know I'm a piece of sh*t. I know I have treated my relationships like trash. And I hope that giving up this addiction will peel away my personal onion and restore empathy inside me that would reject impulses to treat others so poorly in the future.
So, as bizarro as this post is (hence the name of my thread), I welcome all the support that this thread might offer.
I did not use porn today. Instead I spent much of the day installing a few apps on all of my devices (not just one app) to really limit the various access points that I have to porn. I'm hoping that separation serve as a much needed crutch while I develop my 'sea legs' as a sober non-porn watching grown man. Here goes nothing!
