bobitkitkit
Member
Hello journal! I've gotta start by saying that I have been on this forum before. A few years back, under a different name. For several reasons, I had deleted most of my threads and I'd stopped posting for all intents and purposes. I didn't think I was cured or anything by any means. It was simply a choice I had made at the time. I have since had several many good months, maybe a year or so. However, things have gotten pretty bad lately and I have tried just about everything. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't stop relapsing. I'd say the addiction is back with a vengeance. But I think it's just that life has been hard (no shit) and I have been making excuses, putting my guard down, and quite frankly, not working hard enough to stop.
With that being said, I guess I'll start at the very beginning. I don't remember exactly what age I started watching porn. I guess I'd say I was about 16/17 at the time. All I know is that I got pretty hooked onto it from the beginning. I had a rough childhood so I guess porn quickly became a comforting escape. Not quite far off from other people's stories I'd assume. Over the years, I think I realized on some levels that it was problematic. Never on a full-scale "this is a world destroying addiction and I have a serious problem." However, I was randomly watching Chelsea (the talk-show) on Netflix and lo and behold, Gabe Deem was a guest on one of the episodes. Completely random. I had the life-changing realization that I was indeed addicted to porn. I guess, I can regretfully, but honestly, say that I have spent most of my days since 2016 battling this addiction. Quite a long time with limited success. I think I was doing my best in 2020 during the pandemic, when a lot of people were struggling with their mental health, I used the lockdown and being cooped up to the best of my ability to kick this addiction. I think March 2020 to roughly early 2021 was the best time in my life in terms of this addiction. However, I'd moved from my home country to another in that time period, and I guess the life changes and struggles during that new found freedom in another country brought back my addiction. I think I've spent all my time since 2021 now trying to get rid of this addiction with very little luck. I've tried therapy. I've tried SAA but I've given up on both for different reasons.
I realized recently that during some of my best times in life, I was posting regularly on here. Journaling faithfully and working on my addiction with my whole mind, body, and soul. I tried maintaining an offline journal for a bit but it didn't really work out I guess. I am currently in a very challenging period of my life (again, no shit, who isn't) but I do have some really big career responsibilities placed on me right now and the next month is quite important. Hell, I think I've already procrastinated and wasted too much time relapsing, that I only have this one month to get my shit together. So, in terms of excuses, can't really be making that many. I have spent most of the year so far consistently working out and that has certainly helped quite a bit. I think I've become quite the spiritual person as well, and I really do believe I am very close to a certain finish line and I can see myself kicking this addiction and getting rid of it, and a new life waiting for me right around the corner. I just need to get myself to it, fully knowing that it is a journey comprising of many small steps. I guess, coming back here, making this post, and being brutally honest with myself is the first step. I think over time, I am going to pen down some more thoughts to get rid of the fucking hypnotic, mind-numbing, soul-draining effect that porn has on me. For now, I guess, the goal for today is to just survive. Do what I can. Go to the gym and perhaps, come back here at the end of the day to summarize some more thoughts. Until then, I guess I will see you all later.
With that being said, I guess I'll start at the very beginning. I don't remember exactly what age I started watching porn. I guess I'd say I was about 16/17 at the time. All I know is that I got pretty hooked onto it from the beginning. I had a rough childhood so I guess porn quickly became a comforting escape. Not quite far off from other people's stories I'd assume. Over the years, I think I realized on some levels that it was problematic. Never on a full-scale "this is a world destroying addiction and I have a serious problem." However, I was randomly watching Chelsea (the talk-show) on Netflix and lo and behold, Gabe Deem was a guest on one of the episodes. Completely random. I had the life-changing realization that I was indeed addicted to porn. I guess, I can regretfully, but honestly, say that I have spent most of my days since 2016 battling this addiction. Quite a long time with limited success. I think I was doing my best in 2020 during the pandemic, when a lot of people were struggling with their mental health, I used the lockdown and being cooped up to the best of my ability to kick this addiction. I think March 2020 to roughly early 2021 was the best time in my life in terms of this addiction. However, I'd moved from my home country to another in that time period, and I guess the life changes and struggles during that new found freedom in another country brought back my addiction. I think I've spent all my time since 2021 now trying to get rid of this addiction with very little luck. I've tried therapy. I've tried SAA but I've given up on both for different reasons.
I realized recently that during some of my best times in life, I was posting regularly on here. Journaling faithfully and working on my addiction with my whole mind, body, and soul. I tried maintaining an offline journal for a bit but it didn't really work out I guess. I am currently in a very challenging period of my life (again, no shit, who isn't) but I do have some really big career responsibilities placed on me right now and the next month is quite important. Hell, I think I've already procrastinated and wasted too much time relapsing, that I only have this one month to get my shit together. So, in terms of excuses, can't really be making that many. I have spent most of the year so far consistently working out and that has certainly helped quite a bit. I think I've become quite the spiritual person as well, and I really do believe I am very close to a certain finish line and I can see myself kicking this addiction and getting rid of it, and a new life waiting for me right around the corner. I just need to get myself to it, fully knowing that it is a journey comprising of many small steps. I guess, coming back here, making this post, and being brutally honest with myself is the first step. I think over time, I am going to pen down some more thoughts to get rid of the fucking hypnotic, mind-numbing, soul-draining effect that porn has on me. For now, I guess, the goal for today is to just survive. Do what I can. Go to the gym and perhaps, come back here at the end of the day to summarize some more thoughts. Until then, I guess I will see you all later.
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