The urge to M

[Yelashade]

I wanted to post this in my journal as a part of "Day 55", but I don't think this can wait.

Over the last week or so, I've felt huge urges to M/have sex. However, I don't want to do this to porn. I want to fantasise about past real life experiences or have fantasies about real girls that don't involve any porn scenes or even twist scenes where I could have got laid but didn't take the opportunity into fantasy that didn't involve anything porn related. In the mornings, I would spend a while thinking about such events, or whenever I'm in bed really, and get hard for a while, maybe an hour sometimes. I'm assuming that this is quite a normal feeling at this stage, but is it bad for my reboot?

When I see girls I'm attracted to, I check them out, particularly their rear ends and I feel a drive to chase after them. Even when my ex dumped me 2 months ago, I didn't exactly binge on porn like I thought I would. I mostly M'd over having sex with her/previous exs/what I described above.

I don't know what to think/do, does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[qrayzHD]

For me the hardest part about quitting PMO is not masturbating, i don't even have a real urge to do it so it must be very difficult to stop when you have an urge, imo fantasy is a very diluted form of porn but still detrimental to rebooting, in fantasy you simply cannot do as much damage as viewing hardcore porn in multiple tabs.

 

[Yelashade]

qrays,

First off, congrats on hitting your 90 days! I hope that continues for you

It is very difficult to stop the urge. This is the weird part though: you, like many people on here, do not have the urge to M but there is an urge to look at P. For me, I couldn't care less about P but I want to M or O or have sex, so it is difficult to stop when I have an urge. I can see why it would be detrimental, but I know that the fantasies I've been getting into the last few years are disappearing. Idk, I'm just going to try and block it out and wait out the remaining days of my challenge and make a decision then. That's probably best

 

[fugu]

Honestly, masturbating without porn isn't anything bad or problematic necessarily. We're here to quit porn, so if you want to masturbate without it...feel free!

However, the only true concern with masturbating is a speedy recovery. Many people are finding that it takes longer to recover when including regular O's from a partner or masturbating...at least until they feel like they have completely rebooted. The best reason we have thought up concerning this is that the brain isn't entirely done rebooting yet, and some of the porn pathways still exist in the brain. If you do decide to masturbate, I recommend just feeling it out in the 2-4 weeks after the masturbation session - see if your flatline is worse or better, or if you remained neutral. I also wouldn't recommend masturbating at all if you feel like you are having to force your erection without porn. Plenty of people fully recover from porn induced erectile dysfunction with infrequent masturbation! Here is a great story of a guy who masturbated ever 3-5 weeks or so and completely recovered: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=11691.0

However, I will say that the growing majority of people are finding that they need a substantial amount of no orgasm time to rewire the ol' brain. If this is you, I highly recommend going on 2-3 month long streaks of no O's. That seems to help people recover fastest.

Hope this helps!
- CHarlie

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for the info Charlie. That's very helpful. I'm on day 27 and decided to quit MO as well because the link to porn was just too strong. I've decided that going forward neither porn nor masturbation are options for me. But it's good to read about other's experiences. Thanks for creating this thread. Very helpful.

 

[OSS]

Razor blade -----> Penis

If it's more painful than pleasurable it you won't do it.



Ok, I'm joking. What I've found most helpful is a complete "hands-off" approach, it's not always a conscious decision but removing small things like sleeping with your hand on your piece or while watching tv can help tremendously. I can't recall how many times I've been sitting at home alone, with my hand is on my dick for no particular reason and when I come across an urge which gives me even a 20% erection, having my hand down there further encourages those sexual pathways to fire up. "Out of sight(or in this case feel), out of mind", the more you avoid your penis the better.

 

[Viper]

May not seem like it on the surface, but the ass gazing also contributes to your PIED and
the slow progress you're making.
Take it from a recovering ass gazer. It doesn't mean I appreciate female rear ends more than the next
man. It only means that I'm not mature enough to control my lustful thoughts when I'm around
beautiful butts. Because the initial thoughts are pounding my head to do something about it sexually.
Then I go home and jerk off thinking about it. All it's done is lead me to the dark ally of PIED along
with the porn, masturbation, etc.
You have to think about what this is doing with your mind when you look at women this way.
The mall is a mine field for this type of thing. Try to avoid going until you've made some progress in this arena.
Just try to look straight ahead or the top of their head. It's just a tip. Because eventually, after some time, you
won't naturally look down at cleavage or rear ends. In fact, I've actually brought this up as advice on this forum before.
Go to the mall and just observe other men walking the halls. Ignore the women. Just watch as you go along
and you will notice some men who do what you do. They think no one is watching and you'll see how bad it is.
I had to learn the hard way.

 

[Yelashade]

@fugu

I do want a speedy recovery and I'm sick of this predicament; we all are. If I'm going to rewire, I need to abstain from P, M AND O all together. Thank you very much for your insight, it has really helped!

@OSS

I do put my hands down in the mornings a little bit, but I don't M. It's sort of "penis adujusting" when it gets a bit hard/uncomfortable to maneuvre (#guyproblems haha), but I know it's an excuse to fulfill the urge to M. I'm going to stop that as well, thanks for pointing that out!

@Viper

Corrosive skin? Anyway, yes I will stop sexualising women for the time being to help with my reboot. Hah, trust me I know men are looking constantly, it's so funny to watch! But understandable, nonetheless lol. But isn't one of the best parts of being a guy the ability to perv on women? Isn't it a natural process?

 

[Anders]

I think it's a normal urge to, shall we say, admire, or fantasize about an attractive lady. The issue is if they turn into the exotic porn fantisies you get when you watch P all the time.

I know personally that abstaining from P for even a little while makes me much more interested in the opposite sex. I view that as a positive, as normally I am dead to the world

 

[lyon03]

I read in 'Your Brain on Porn' that porn addiction desensitizes the brain to normal emotions and healthy human contact. The more we watch porn, the less we seek out natural human contact/relationships. This was my experience as I shut off my wife/kids. In this my first month of recovery, the link between masturbation and porn is just too hard-wired into my brain to make fapping safe. I've chosen PMO are not options for me going forward, while meaningful and satisfying sex (like I had yesterday) are ok. I think if you're doubting whether to massage your junk to orgasm, perhaps that's proof enough you shouldn't do it.

 

[Yelashade]

@Anders

I think it is definitely a normal urge! It's not like I fantasise porn fantasies with them, I just think how great it looks and how I'd like to get her in bed with me for "vanilla sex". I think I will take it as a positive

@lyon03

Yes you're absolutely right, I just have to ignore the urges. Even though I'm not actually thinking of porn fantasies, it's probably best till after my 100 days to kick start my libido.

 

[Viper]

@Viper

Corrosive skin? Anyway, yes I will stop sexualising women for the time being to help with my reboot. Hah, trust me I know men are looking constantly, it's so funny to watch! But understandable, nonetheless lol. But isn't one of the best parts of being a guy the ability to perv on women? Isn't it a natural process?

Here's the thing;
What exactly do you mean by perv on women?
Now are we talking about the locker room talk that men engage in describing women or
are you talking about leering/gawking at women in public?

Do you have a mother or a sister or any female loved one for that matter?
Would you be ok if you saw some guy turning his head to check out your
mother's ass at the mall?
I know when I was growing up, one of my childhood friends had an attractive mom.
She was like 18 when she had him so she was still quite young when I was in middle school.
I kept my thoughts about her looks to myself but one time I let it slip and he was not to
happy. This after years of being girl crazy and talking about who's got bigger tits or who
has the nicest ass in school. All that stuff guys talk about. It's all good to do unless it's
your own family. So maybe you should consider that now that we're not children anymore.
It's about maturity and if you're serious about rebooting, I would revise your stance on that
issue. I still struggle with this myself but I've definitely improved and you can too  8)

 

[Yelashade]

@Viper

Thanks for replying again!

What exactly do you mean by perv on women?

When I say "perv on women", I don't gawk at them haha. If they're facing me and they're hot/got a nice rack or whatever, I'm like "yeah she't hot and she'd definitely get it". Then I'd sorta move on, or just enjoy the buzz I get from it a bit. Let's say she's walking in front of me and she has a nice behind; I'd be like "ooh look at that, I would definitely give that a seeing to" (keeping it formal so I don't provide any triggers ;D) and sort of... enjoy the view while it's there.

Do you have a mother or a sister or any female loved one for that matter?
Would you be ok if you saw some guy turning his head to check out your
mother's ass at the mall?

What you've said about female members is something I have actually thought about and, well yes of course I wouldn't like it if some random guy perved on my female family members. However, they're doing it because guys just do that. If they gawk and make themselves obvious, then I'd confront them about it; if they see my family passing and think to themselves "she's got a nice whatever", there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.

It's about maturity and if you're serious about rebooting, I would revise your stance on that
issue. I still struggle with this myself but I've definitely improved and you can too  8)

I completely get where you're coming from about being mature... but we're guys! I don't believe this is related to P, I think it's completely natural. Using P to stimulate artificial levels of dopamine, however, is not natural (as we all know). Like I said before, I don't think about the fit girl I see walking down the street because there are plenty more fit girls that take her place lol. The only thing that I feel the urge to do is want to get her number so I can, in the foreseeable future, have sex with her.

Please let me know what you think of my response

 

[Anders]

However, they're doing it because guys just do that.

That sums up my feelings on it and I agree with everything in your post.

There would be no reproduction on earth if we didn't have the ability to notice and admire members of the opposite sex. And girls do it just as much as guys, every single day. In fact, this forum wouldn't exist and porn addiction wouldn't exist without the feeling of intense sexual attraction produced by members of the opposite sex. We aren't here to become celibate and sexless. We are here to get over an addiction that damages our relationships and mental well-being.

 

[Viper]

I think there's a difference between glancing and gazing.
No one said you couldn't admire- LoL.
You can admire without gawking or leering.
I would make an exception for a night club environment.
No one is saying don't look.
I'm just saying try not to stare  :
Notice and be on your way.

 

[Yelashade]

@Anders

There would be no reproduction on earth if we didn't have the ability to notice and admire members of the opposite sex. And girls do it just as much as guys, every single day. In fact, this forum wouldn't exist and porn addiction wouldn't exist without the feeling of intense sexual attraction produced by members of the opposite sex. We aren't here to become celibate and sexless. We are here to get over an addiction that damages our relationships and mental well-being.

You've raised a fantastic point - it's in the nature of all animals to chase after the opposite sex, which involves checking them out and, basically, seeing if they're good enough to "mate" with. It shouldn't be any different with humans.

@Viper

I think we're on the same page now; I guess the way I do it is somewhere inbetween glancing and gazing, but I move on straight afterwards lol