Hello everyone,
This is my first post here on Reboot Nation, and I am starting a journal.
I'm a 25 year old male who's been using porn since the age of 14. As a young boy, I dealt with some very traumatic experiences including the death of my mother at age 8, and I was also the victim of sexual assault from a very close family member starting around age 9 or 10. In short, I was fucked up.
I often found myself escaping during my childhood, at first it was to fantasy novels and toys (OK), but as I went through puberty and started masturbating, I turned to fantasies about women and porn (Not OK). I didn't realize at the time how destructive the latter two escapes would be in my life. During my HS years I was a pretty normal kid, I was interested in girls but never really had the courage to make a move on them. I was well liked in HS and did well, getting into an elite private institution. By the time I was a senior in HS, I was masturbating to porn frequently (multiple times per week and day sometimes) and well on my way towards being an addict.
My porn habits continued, and probably grew in college. I continued to use porn regularly which impacted my social life and my grades. I did not have much success with women as I was timid, anxious and lacked confidence in myself. I was lazy and often used porn to escape work. Making matters worse, were social pressures on campus. I was a member of a top fraternity on campus, but never felt that I truly belonged there. I ended up graduating by the skin of my teeth and hating my college experience.
My porn habits continued into the working world. However, after going through such a tumultuous college experience, I resolved that things were going to be different. I started keeping a journal of my thoughts, I got my first job with a great boss, who accepted no bullshit from me and helped me learn how to be responsible for my actions. Slowly I began to realize that my porn habits and underlying thought patterns were creating a life for me that I did not want.
Then I found Your Brain on Porn in the summer of 2012. It was a gold mine. It helped me understand what I was going through, and had been going through all of those years. A few months after my discovery, I was still into the thick of my porn addiction. There was this attractive girl that I knew from college that I wanted to date. We went out on a few dates, and ultimately she invited me to her birthday party.
I can remember it like it was yesterday: the party was a lot of fun, and I ended up telling her that I wanted to see her naked. She was excited by my straightforwardness, and we ended up going to her hotel to have some birthday sex. Except I couldn't get it up! Here I had this young, naked and nubile woman in bed with me, and I couldn't get hard.
You see, that month I had decided to quit porn and was going through a flatline. I wanted to have the real thing, but couldn't, because I had wired my brain to the artificial. It was so embarrassing, it was her birthday, and I couldn't get hard for the life of me. I was at a loss for words. I remember her saying to me, "You should have picked a hotter woman". Ouch. Lol.
Although I can look back and laugh on the event (I did nothing wrong), I was pretty devastated at the time. But it was also a blessing because for the first time I truly, physically, mentally and emotionally, understood what my porn addiction had done to me. And that was when I resolved to change.
Since that turning point, I've made remarkable progress. I've had streaks of 30-45 days where I don't view porn, I write down my thoughts almost every day (and always when I relapse for learning and understanding), I see a shrink, I've discussed my issues with a few close friends and family members and I date pretty regularly now. I still do masturbate to porn and still do have binges, but I no longer feel that porn fully controls my life. I'm a businessman, so I would say that I have an ownership stake in my life, maybe 60/40 or 70/30, and growing. Each day is a new experience, and a chance to fully embrace reality and live the life I desire.
It's only been slightly over 2 years since I decided to embark on this path, and embrace reality versus fantasy, but the future has never been brighter.
Sincerely,
- NewFlu
This is my first post here on Reboot Nation, and I am starting a journal.
I'm a 25 year old male who's been using porn since the age of 14. As a young boy, I dealt with some very traumatic experiences including the death of my mother at age 8, and I was also the victim of sexual assault from a very close family member starting around age 9 or 10. In short, I was fucked up.
I often found myself escaping during my childhood, at first it was to fantasy novels and toys (OK), but as I went through puberty and started masturbating, I turned to fantasies about women and porn (Not OK). I didn't realize at the time how destructive the latter two escapes would be in my life. During my HS years I was a pretty normal kid, I was interested in girls but never really had the courage to make a move on them. I was well liked in HS and did well, getting into an elite private institution. By the time I was a senior in HS, I was masturbating to porn frequently (multiple times per week and day sometimes) and well on my way towards being an addict.
My porn habits continued, and probably grew in college. I continued to use porn regularly which impacted my social life and my grades. I did not have much success with women as I was timid, anxious and lacked confidence in myself. I was lazy and often used porn to escape work. Making matters worse, were social pressures on campus. I was a member of a top fraternity on campus, but never felt that I truly belonged there. I ended up graduating by the skin of my teeth and hating my college experience.
My porn habits continued into the working world. However, after going through such a tumultuous college experience, I resolved that things were going to be different. I started keeping a journal of my thoughts, I got my first job with a great boss, who accepted no bullshit from me and helped me learn how to be responsible for my actions. Slowly I began to realize that my porn habits and underlying thought patterns were creating a life for me that I did not want.
Then I found Your Brain on Porn in the summer of 2012. It was a gold mine. It helped me understand what I was going through, and had been going through all of those years. A few months after my discovery, I was still into the thick of my porn addiction. There was this attractive girl that I knew from college that I wanted to date. We went out on a few dates, and ultimately she invited me to her birthday party.
I can remember it like it was yesterday: the party was a lot of fun, and I ended up telling her that I wanted to see her naked. She was excited by my straightforwardness, and we ended up going to her hotel to have some birthday sex. Except I couldn't get it up! Here I had this young, naked and nubile woman in bed with me, and I couldn't get hard.
You see, that month I had decided to quit porn and was going through a flatline. I wanted to have the real thing, but couldn't, because I had wired my brain to the artificial. It was so embarrassing, it was her birthday, and I couldn't get hard for the life of me. I was at a loss for words. I remember her saying to me, "You should have picked a hotter woman". Ouch. Lol.
Although I can look back and laugh on the event (I did nothing wrong), I was pretty devastated at the time. But it was also a blessing because for the first time I truly, physically, mentally and emotionally, understood what my porn addiction had done to me. And that was when I resolved to change.
Since that turning point, I've made remarkable progress. I've had streaks of 30-45 days where I don't view porn, I write down my thoughts almost every day (and always when I relapse for learning and understanding), I see a shrink, I've discussed my issues with a few close friends and family members and I date pretty regularly now. I still do masturbate to porn and still do have binges, but I no longer feel that porn fully controls my life. I'm a businessman, so I would say that I have an ownership stake in my life, maybe 60/40 or 70/30, and growing. Each day is a new experience, and a chance to fully embrace reality and live the life I desire.
It's only been slightly over 2 years since I decided to embark on this path, and embrace reality versus fantasy, but the future has never been brighter.
Sincerely,
- NewFlu