(Super long, sorry, TL/DR below. Much gratitude who anyone who cares enough to read through all the way).
I went online looking for an answer to a question about porn addiction and ended up finding YourBrainOnPorn. I love that both of these sites exist because I feel that this addiction has been probably the #1 cause of stress, anxiety, depression and so much other shit in my life over the last 5-6 years, and being able to break the addiction with the help of a community would be an incredible thing for me.
Watching porn has been part of a much larger struggle with sexuality that's been going on for at least 5-6 years now. I remember first getting aroused online from a Wikipedia article about the Folsom Street Fair, a gay leather subculture event in San Francisco. This was probably when I was 13. I had an iPod Touch and I remember clicking through tons of articles and realizing that I had a weirdly powerful attraction to masochism, and this eventually turned into looking at pictures on Wikipedia and other sites. I don't think I ever really used the term porn in a web search until a year after I started looking at pictures - and until then I never considered what I was doing to be porn. Eventually it turned into this though, and I got hooked.
I want to back up and talk about my attraction though. I've always been into girls. I've always had a crush that I was really really invested in, someone I always imagined everything would work out with. I'd get a boner just holding someone's hand. I knew that attraction was real for me, but an attraction to men was just as present. For a long time, though, I never felt anything for any guys around me. It was only something that meant anything to me in private. I hated it. I hated that I was "gay" and I refused to admit it and I suppose I still do because I identify as bisexual now (except I'm not out to most people, so I guess I still identify as straight).
The odd part is that I've never watched straight porn. I don't find it arousing and most of the time when I see it I find it disgusting. I think the reason for this has to do with the fact that my father passed away when I was four and I grew up with only my mom and my sister. I've realized during relationships with girls that during sex, nothing really felt quite right, it was stimulating and I was able to be aroused and finish and whatnot, but it was never very passionate, I was never in love with the experience, and I began to attribute this to an unconscious association between women and my family - who I obviously didn't want to have sex with. . Despite this, I've been head over heels in love with women, on an emotional and physical level, so I'm pretty certain I'm not "just pretending to be bi when I'm really gay" - I really feel that I love girls.
The next element in this situation was Catholicism. I was raised super Catholic and the amount of guilt I experienced 1) with pornography and 2) with an attraction to men was probably the worst part of this whole situation. I would feel frustration with the fact that the girls I liked didn't like me back and the girls that liked me I wasn't really attracted to, and the only way to express this part of my identity that was suppressed by my environment and my mother's beliefs was through masturbation, and once I started using porn in combination with this, I couldn't differentiate the two. As soon as I'd jack off, I'd get depressed, I'd feel worthless, like really fucking worthless, and this worthlessness would only make me less motivated and more prone to watch porn, which only made it worse. The Catholicism in me, which I actually identify with despite the debilitating guilt part (I admire a lot of what it stands for), would eventually get me to go to Confession, which would be a firm commitment to stop watching porn for at least a couple weeks, and I always left Confession feeling amazing. However, it always turned into this pattern of letting enough time pass between the process of making it to Confession that I'd figure "one time wouldn't hurt, I'll just do it once," and the ensuing depression never allowed me enough confidence or feel of self-worth to stay off. Despite this struggle, I've always known I didn't like what porn was doing to me. It wasn't like I realized one day I couldn't get hard for a girl or I finally figured out what I was depressed about - I've always known, I've always been trying to quit, but I never thought I could.
I'd only ever expressed my attraction through porn until this year when I started using Craigslist to find men near the college I'm attending. I'm 19, and I had sex with a 28 year old and a 42 year old, both of whom I found attractive but both of whom really didn't seem like people I would ever see in public and think of having sex with. The first experience was great until it was over, and then I felt just as disgusting. The second, however, was different because I was able to have a conversation with this man about my experience being bi and about his relationship with his husband who he'd been together with for 9 years. Despite the pleasure and small amount of human-to-human connection in this experience, I still wasn't convinced I'd ever be happy as an actively gay individual, and this depression drove me back into porn.
After weeks of watching almost every night, I finally went back to confession. This was 5 days ago. The day before, however, I happened to start using the Tinder app. I swiped right on a couple of guys, thinking that nothing would come of it, but all of a sudden a ton of matches starting coming in with guys that were my age and I found really attractive. I met one of them yesterday, we hooked up, and it was pretty great. The problem was that while I can watch less than 20 seconds of porn and immediately come, he wasn't able to get me off until I worked on myself with my own hand for a bit. This was when I started to get worried. I realized that not only am I attracted to guys, which I'm not really happy with to begin with, but this attraction wasn't even fulfilled by real guys that I could have a relationship with, it was just porn and my own ability to get myself off. I was ruining myself for straight OR gay sex. So I came online to find answers, and now I'm here.
I believe I can quit. 3 weeks ago I quit smoking pot on my 19th birthday after smoking almost every day for a year, and so far I've been successful and very proud and empowered by the fact that it's working (and people are passing me joints every day - I'm able to just pass them along). I've got my reasoning worked out and I'm committed to doing this. I never want to watch porn again.
Here's my question though: should I continue to hook up with this guy? Will my attraction to the content of the pornography I'm addicted to not decrease because I'm continuing to put myself in similar situations with someone real? I know that if I could relieve sexual stress in a mutual setting, it would be much easier to stay clean for a longer period of time. What would you suggest? Will it be as beneficial? Will it be harder for my brain to return to normal? Is my attraction to men maybe one that's just based on porn, and if I quit pursing both guys and porn will I finally become a better straight lover?
I'm so incredible sorry about the length - but it's really been the hardest part of my life for years now and I'm finally in a place where I feel I can talk about it openly.
TL/DR: I've decided to quit watching gay porn (I have an addiction to gay porn, I don't watch straight porn) because of a realization that while I can still perform during sex, it's nothing to the ability I have to get aroused and finish on my own with porn. I'm attracted to men and women but ideally I want to be more passionate with women. Should I continue seeing a guy I just met while trying to quit, or should I move away from sexual stimulation all together? Will sex with this guy continue to reinforce my addiction with the imagery from the porn I've been watching and slow down the recovery process, or is a real relationship a good, healthy way to relieve sexual buildup instead of porn - and will I still slowly become less addicted?
Thanks so much guys.
I went online looking for an answer to a question about porn addiction and ended up finding YourBrainOnPorn. I love that both of these sites exist because I feel that this addiction has been probably the #1 cause of stress, anxiety, depression and so much other shit in my life over the last 5-6 years, and being able to break the addiction with the help of a community would be an incredible thing for me.
Watching porn has been part of a much larger struggle with sexuality that's been going on for at least 5-6 years now. I remember first getting aroused online from a Wikipedia article about the Folsom Street Fair, a gay leather subculture event in San Francisco. This was probably when I was 13. I had an iPod Touch and I remember clicking through tons of articles and realizing that I had a weirdly powerful attraction to masochism, and this eventually turned into looking at pictures on Wikipedia and other sites. I don't think I ever really used the term porn in a web search until a year after I started looking at pictures - and until then I never considered what I was doing to be porn. Eventually it turned into this though, and I got hooked.
I want to back up and talk about my attraction though. I've always been into girls. I've always had a crush that I was really really invested in, someone I always imagined everything would work out with. I'd get a boner just holding someone's hand. I knew that attraction was real for me, but an attraction to men was just as present. For a long time, though, I never felt anything for any guys around me. It was only something that meant anything to me in private. I hated it. I hated that I was "gay" and I refused to admit it and I suppose I still do because I identify as bisexual now (except I'm not out to most people, so I guess I still identify as straight).
The odd part is that I've never watched straight porn. I don't find it arousing and most of the time when I see it I find it disgusting. I think the reason for this has to do with the fact that my father passed away when I was four and I grew up with only my mom and my sister. I've realized during relationships with girls that during sex, nothing really felt quite right, it was stimulating and I was able to be aroused and finish and whatnot, but it was never very passionate, I was never in love with the experience, and I began to attribute this to an unconscious association between women and my family - who I obviously didn't want to have sex with. . Despite this, I've been head over heels in love with women, on an emotional and physical level, so I'm pretty certain I'm not "just pretending to be bi when I'm really gay" - I really feel that I love girls.
The next element in this situation was Catholicism. I was raised super Catholic and the amount of guilt I experienced 1) with pornography and 2) with an attraction to men was probably the worst part of this whole situation. I would feel frustration with the fact that the girls I liked didn't like me back and the girls that liked me I wasn't really attracted to, and the only way to express this part of my identity that was suppressed by my environment and my mother's beliefs was through masturbation, and once I started using porn in combination with this, I couldn't differentiate the two. As soon as I'd jack off, I'd get depressed, I'd feel worthless, like really fucking worthless, and this worthlessness would only make me less motivated and more prone to watch porn, which only made it worse. The Catholicism in me, which I actually identify with despite the debilitating guilt part (I admire a lot of what it stands for), would eventually get me to go to Confession, which would be a firm commitment to stop watching porn for at least a couple weeks, and I always left Confession feeling amazing. However, it always turned into this pattern of letting enough time pass between the process of making it to Confession that I'd figure "one time wouldn't hurt, I'll just do it once," and the ensuing depression never allowed me enough confidence or feel of self-worth to stay off. Despite this struggle, I've always known I didn't like what porn was doing to me. It wasn't like I realized one day I couldn't get hard for a girl or I finally figured out what I was depressed about - I've always known, I've always been trying to quit, but I never thought I could.
I'd only ever expressed my attraction through porn until this year when I started using Craigslist to find men near the college I'm attending. I'm 19, and I had sex with a 28 year old and a 42 year old, both of whom I found attractive but both of whom really didn't seem like people I would ever see in public and think of having sex with. The first experience was great until it was over, and then I felt just as disgusting. The second, however, was different because I was able to have a conversation with this man about my experience being bi and about his relationship with his husband who he'd been together with for 9 years. Despite the pleasure and small amount of human-to-human connection in this experience, I still wasn't convinced I'd ever be happy as an actively gay individual, and this depression drove me back into porn.
After weeks of watching almost every night, I finally went back to confession. This was 5 days ago. The day before, however, I happened to start using the Tinder app. I swiped right on a couple of guys, thinking that nothing would come of it, but all of a sudden a ton of matches starting coming in with guys that were my age and I found really attractive. I met one of them yesterday, we hooked up, and it was pretty great. The problem was that while I can watch less than 20 seconds of porn and immediately come, he wasn't able to get me off until I worked on myself with my own hand for a bit. This was when I started to get worried. I realized that not only am I attracted to guys, which I'm not really happy with to begin with, but this attraction wasn't even fulfilled by real guys that I could have a relationship with, it was just porn and my own ability to get myself off. I was ruining myself for straight OR gay sex. So I came online to find answers, and now I'm here.
I believe I can quit. 3 weeks ago I quit smoking pot on my 19th birthday after smoking almost every day for a year, and so far I've been successful and very proud and empowered by the fact that it's working (and people are passing me joints every day - I'm able to just pass them along). I've got my reasoning worked out and I'm committed to doing this. I never want to watch porn again.
Here's my question though: should I continue to hook up with this guy? Will my attraction to the content of the pornography I'm addicted to not decrease because I'm continuing to put myself in similar situations with someone real? I know that if I could relieve sexual stress in a mutual setting, it would be much easier to stay clean for a longer period of time. What would you suggest? Will it be as beneficial? Will it be harder for my brain to return to normal? Is my attraction to men maybe one that's just based on porn, and if I quit pursing both guys and porn will I finally become a better straight lover?
I'm so incredible sorry about the length - but it's really been the hardest part of my life for years now and I'm finally in a place where I feel I can talk about it openly.
TL/DR: I've decided to quit watching gay porn (I have an addiction to gay porn, I don't watch straight porn) because of a realization that while I can still perform during sex, it's nothing to the ability I have to get aroused and finish on my own with porn. I'm attracted to men and women but ideally I want to be more passionate with women. Should I continue seeing a guy I just met while trying to quit, or should I move away from sexual stimulation all together? Will sex with this guy continue to reinforce my addiction with the imagery from the porn I've been watching and slow down the recovery process, or is a real relationship a good, healthy way to relieve sexual buildup instead of porn - and will I still slowly become less addicted?
Thanks so much guys.