Dragons can be beaten

[TheGeek]

?Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.?  Neil Gaiman

Well this is the first time I have decided to write a journal under any circumstances so I might as well start with my history, how I got this far.

I'm a 30 year old male, and I have been engaging in P.M.O for far to long. It all started around the age of thirteen, when my parents bought me my first lap top. Mind you we had a computer before that, but that laptop was the first time I had a computer and privacy. I didn't start off looking at porn, I didn't really even go looking for it, I just sort of stumbled across it as teenagers are want to do. Back then it wasn't even as easy to stumble across it as it is today, there weren't thousands of porn pop ups, or girls posting risque selfies you had to work for it. It started with the AOL chat rooms, I was into fantasy books, and this led into a love of role playing, it didn't start bad at first, but then I found the more adult rooms, and role play turned into Erotic Role Play (ERP).

ERP lead into real porn, but it was dial up at the time so just pictures really, but I had my own computer in my room, so I had plenty of time to let the pictures download. Now mind you I got caught more than once during my teenage years, and really all it did was teach me to be better at hiding my activities. After a while I had a break from porn, because I moved out and didn't have internet, masturbation was still a nearly daily activity with a vivid imagination it was easy. As soon as I had internet again I was engaging in PMO to it's fullest. I had occasional relationships, but not many reached the sexual level, and I would go long periods between girlfriends, I just didn't have the motivation to chase women.

I spent most of my time online, I had friends, in the real world, but I spent most of the time online. I was and still am very into computers, not just for the porn offerings. Just over a year ago though I met a woman, a woman I love. Up until then we had just been friends, but we reconnected and things grew into a relationship, after a year of the online dating we finally decided to meet, and that's when I should have realized I had a problem. Up until then it was easy to not realize or admit I had a problem. Right up until I met the woman of my dreams in person and had problems preforming.

I couldn't achieve a good erection and would lose what I had gained during sex. It took three days to be able to achieve an O with her. After that things got better, I wasn't engaging in PMO so I rebounded a bit on the symptoms. Things were great and we decided we wanted more. A couple of months go by and she comes to visit again and I don't have a problem, but again I stopped engaging in PMO while she was down, and then we moved in together. More to the point I moved across the country to be with her. At first there weren't any problems I wasn't engaging in PMO I was to busy, but then I found the time.

At first I wasn't having a problem I really wasn't engaging in the MO part of PMO though, I would ERP for hours every day, which I am just filing under the P heading. Sex was still regular and things were working great until they weren't. PIED was the biggest problem, I just had a hard time developing a really good erection, and even if I did the chances of me getting off were difficult. I still wasn't admitting I had a problem though.

On thanksgiving I was poking around reddit, for sex toy reviews when I found a post about PIED, I followed some links and found a Reboot Nation Video. I watched the videos and read the information, and the blinders were removed. I realized I had a problem and I realized that if I didn't solve that problem I was going to lose the woman I loved. Thanksgiving I went around deleting accounts, deleting pictures, clearing my browser history, I spent a couple hours sanitizing my computer so that I wouldn't accidentally stumble over anything, and so relapsing wouldn't be easy. That night I talked with my S.O and told her I had a problem, she has been supportive but it's a strain, and now isn't the easiest time for it either.

Since Thanksgiving I have been able to avoid any form of PMO and have been trying to keep busy. It's not easy I don't have much to occupy my time with. I try to read, and I play video games, but it just feels like I'm going through the motions. I have such a lack of motivation for anything, it's like I'm just existing via rote action. I get up and do the same thing I did yesterday, and I'll likely be doing the same things tomorrow. It's not hard to avoid PMO it's the only option I have, but it feels so hard just to exist. Please don't take this as I feel suicidal, I'm not giving up on life. I still have to much to live for to just give up, it's not life as a whole that feels hard it's each day just feels empty.

Worse of all is I know this is a strain on my SO, right now I am going Hard Mode so I'm not even engaging in sex right now. I think it's the only way I am going to reach the point where the actual mechanics of sex work well. I have this constant worry that I'm going to wake up one morning and she's going to tell me she can't do it anymore. I am terrified that the demons of my worries are going to beat me before I have the chance to slay the dragon of my addiction.

This is my first entry I'll be back for another tomorrow one day closer to beating my dragon.

 

[TheGeek]

Journal Entry Number 2

I don't feel so numb today, I still can't say I have a general feeling of happiness I'm just not so blah. I was having morning wood, but that seems to have stopped, I might be sleeping through it. It's rather sad that I am hopeful for something so annoying just because of the benchmark it is in the process of recovery. Existing on the internet is difficult, I don't have a huge urge to get looking at anything until boredom sets in, but I am still having to dodge bikini pics and the like. I am noticing that just attractive women in non revealing clothes on T.V are starting to inspire my mind to wander back into the gutter. I avoid watching my girlfriend undressing or changing just because I know it's going to be a trigger. Each day I go trough just makes the dragon seem bigger and scarier instead of looking easier to slay. I'm really wishing someone made a vorpal sword that could go snicker snack through my addictions neck.

I have not used porn today.
No triggers so far today, but it's normally later on that I start to get that itchy feeling.
To keep busy I've read some today, and attempted to work on a lamp. The lamp did not survive.
I am grateful that I have a wonderful girlfriend who is supportive of my healing process.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Welcome to the Nation Geek. Sorry to hear about your lamp. :'(

I too speak nerd and it seems like you and I both chose some similar outlets for acting out (ERP, PMO). ;D Glad to see you join the battle! My final boss is more of a succubus and she's a dirty b*tch. Really hard to keep your eyes off of her but you feel your soul withering away under her seductive gaze. "Level 10 charm spell again?..." Get's me every time, haven't beat her yet.

But I can tell you that the answers that you are looking for are on the path that you've already started down. Coming here shows courage. Your quest will  be arduous. Your will be forging your own sword in this process Geek and the tools for the job are buried deep in the forgotten Libraries of The Sin-Ternet and it is friggin' crawling with succubi and dragons.  Then it is on the the Wilson Forge located deep in the heart of Mt. Deem.

I could continue making nerd reference jokes all week, but I digress. Keep up the good work. Also, remember that this is not just about quitting ERP and PMO. This is about starving the addict and feeding the new you. The trick is figuring out what the new you likes. It sounds like you are suffering greatly from a lack of self-confidence. You gotta believe that you are "enough" for your GF. You just have to face down this addiction in order to realize how truly great you really are.

 

[TheGeek]

Thanks for the encouragement Chief.

Journal Entry #3

I couldn't sleep last night, not sure if it's related to going without PMO or just my normal sleep troubles. I've never been one of those people who climb into bed and conk out. Last night I tossed and turned for a while and then picked up my tablet, and read. Monster Hunter International, very good read. Typically in these situations I would be online courting my dragon, thankfully I love to read and picking up a book is an easier option than engaging in PMO behavior. The downside to that lack of sleep is that I am a zombie today with a headache. I'm a little numb today, but that mostly seems to be from being tired thankfully.

Confidence is a big part of my problem, I could get into reasons why, but it is just an expectation of failure. When I expect to fail I would almost rather not try, at least that way I didn't fail. PMO is easy in this regard it's easy to find some porn and masturbate, and then you fall into the addiction and before you know it a symptom of one disease has become it's own sickness.

I'm another day closer to slaying my dragon.

 

[TheGeek]

Journal #4

Another day is near to it's end, today was a better day. I didn't really have any urges today, but I pretty much read all day or worked on Christmas presents. At least come Christmas I will be able to give myself a gift of almost a month free of PMO. In dune they say that fear is the mind killer, but for me boredom is the mind killer. In the grips of boredom my mind wanders and inevitably finds it's way to the dark corners that I want to fade away. I don't know if I can truly beat this if I just run from it, if I constantly avoid confronting what is trying to drag me down is it really beaten or am I just replacing the addiction with something less harmful. That is certainly preferable, but it still doesn't fill like I am fixing anything just avoiding it. Maybe my mind is just wandering to much and I am coming up with ideas that aren't correct.

 

[TheGeek]

Journal #5

Another day is reaching the end, didn't have any real urges today. Spent most of the day reading and went shopping for Christmas gifts for the family with my girlfriend. Stress is starting to become a factor though, it's getting easier and easier for me to get annoyed with minor things. The dragon is slinking back in it's cave and it's minions are coming to stop me, but if dragons can be beaten so can they.

 

[TheGeek]

Journal #5

Today has been like any other, nothing spectacular or amazing, but no slips either. I'm not having such a hard time avoiding P, but I am finding that it's getting harder to avoid regular old pics of attractive women.  I'm guessing it's just my brain looking for anything to score that hit of dopamine. I really just need to keep up on my reading so that I don't have as much time to poke the internet and risk slipping.

 

[TheGeek]

Journal #7

Well it's been a few days since I've checked in with a new journal post, and that's because it's been more of the same. I'm still having occasional urges, but only when I am bored or when I am having to dodge sexy pictures. Stress levels are still higher than I would like them to be, but nothing that I can't deal with thankfully.

 

[Fappy]

Great work mate! Coming along nicely then.
I used to like role playing too. But i liked "roll playing". Buttering up a bread roll then, well, you know... A little different to dungeons and dragons!
But good to hear youve got things under control!

 

[TheGeek]

Journal Entry #8 Day 45

It's been a while and I decided I should go ahead and check in. Really for the most part it's been more of the same. I only get the urges to feed my addiction from time to time and as long as I keep my boredom down the dragon doesn't poke it's head from the cave very often. I have been reading a lot I am going through about a book a day at this point when I really read, but all things considered that's my normal reading rate when I put my mind to reading. I found a new DnD group that I am playing with weekly online and that is giving me something else to work on as far as a hobby goes.

After thirty days I ended my hard mode streak, my girlfriend was rather frustrated by that point and it was becoming hard on both of us not having sex. The first time it seemed like everything was fixed, but it wasn't. Don't get me wrong the sex is already better, but I am still fighting DE, and some PIED. Just going to have to give it more time I guess before I spring back from those symptoms of the addiction.

 

[TheGeek]

Journal Entry 9 day 71

Tonight's been hard, I don't know why there haven't been any triggers, but the fantasies and wants to engage in old behaviors has been cropping up incessantly. My brain keeps saying just a little won't hurt. It just won't stop I keep reaching for things to take my mind away from them, but they always creep back up. I haven't really faced this before now, I don't get the chaser effect after having sex with my girlfriend, I haven't had a hard time avoiding the old behaviors, but for some reason this week the thoughts have been building up until they just won't go away tonight.