Want to enjoy my partner

[pandaman]

I'm 28 now, but have known I've wanted to stop watching porn since I was 21. At the time I thought it would give me great power, or at least stop wasting so much time. Only recently have I learned about the side effects it has on my love life and personal relationships. I can remember waiting for one of my past girlfriends to go to bed just so I could watch porn. The worst part is I knew she wanted to have sex with me, and basically through her arms in the air in desperation as she went to bed. That's when it really dawned on me that I had a problem. I never want to do that to another person.

That being said I'm on day 17 of my reboot (after many prior attempts) and it feels pretty good. I haven't had any really bad cravings, I think due in large part to how many times I've relapsed in the past, and knowing just how awful and disgusted I feel when I do slip up. A big reason I am making Custards last stand is due to yet another woman who lay in my destructive path, and discovered all my dirty secrets. ALL OF THEM. She accepted me anyways but after several relapses with porn, escorts , chasing other women I couldn't expect her to stay. I'm getting older now and want this to be over with so I can move on and enjoy life. While porn isn't my only issue it definitely is a major one.

I've got a few people I can talk to about it, but still find it very difficult. I plan on taking full advantage of this journal section of the forum, any and all feedback is welcome.

 

[pandaman]

Just got back from karate, feeling good. Surrounding myself with positive supportive people helps a lot, makes me feel separated from the other side of me (two face?) that wants to hide in my basement apartment and tug on it all night. Almost puts it into the light.

Starting to notice a drop in my libido, weaker morning erections, none during the day. The other times I've tried to reboot this really frustrated me, but now that I've read more about it and that it seems unavoidable, I'm almost glad (almost) that it's happening. Just means I'm one step closer to recovery . Anytime I do something that I feel is a move in the right direction , like avoiding looking at sexual ads or looking at women from the neck up, I imagine giving my penis a high five. We're partners in this