Hi everyone,
So I thought I'd start a diary here because I've been slogging it out trying to quit p for like a year and a bit now. I feel like I'm making progress slowly, but it's disappointed me how long it's taken and I'm so sick of it. I want to keep taking positive steps and I hope that starting this diary is one of them. Finding YBOP has been great and thank you everyone who has posted previously and inspired me to get to this point.
So... the longest I've gone with no fap is 21 days but I've been trying to give up p for about a year. I must admit, in that time my p use has drastically reduced from a couple of hours a day, often staying up into the wee hours of the night to a short p relapse every 10 to 14 days on average.
During that time I was fapping heavily, I saw my tastes progress to tranny and gay porn (I'm straight) and to themes of domination over vulnerable women. During that time I also experienced delayed or no ejaculation and ED problems.
Now though, it feels like a fair bit of that has been wound back and I am feeling heaps more in control and I feel like the next crack at no fap might be a really solid one.
I have a pretty rock solid routine that I'm trying to stick to as much as I can.
I am currently struggling with feelings of worthlessness, anxiety and depression which I feel are symptoms of my serotonin system trying to rebalance itself. I am getting no real enjoyment from my work and no real enjoyment from much else and this is difficult.
I have the most wonderful girlfriend who I love. I have no ED or delayed ejaculation now. In fact, it's gone the other way a little now and I'm having some PE issues but I'd much prefer to have these than the other! I'm enjoying sex with her a lot more than in the past.
Nonetheless I'm still having relapses. I've found I have these when I'm very anxious or when things are going really well and I'm feeling like I've almost kicked the problem.
Anyway, I had another relapse yesterday which prompted me to start a diary in the hope that this attempt can be a long-term one.
So yeah, yesterday I woke up feeling terrible: had this great rush of anxiety about the screenplay I was working on. Lay in bed feeling terrible. Wanted to get up but in the end didn't think I could. Wanted to fap to get rid of the feeling but didn't. Then went to my phone and found a way to crack my internet protection. Fapped to p for about an hour and a half. Came and then put it away and fixed the gap in my internet protection.
Immediately felt better. Got up went for a walk.
Then spoke to my girlfriend and was really irritated and short with her. Then I just couldn't get started on work all day: full of anxiety and doubt about it, thought it was totally shit, still do. Stressed about what I'm doing with my life. Didn't want to talk to anyone. Had no energy. Just wanted to lie on the couch and watch the footy.
Went to the gym, meditated, did CBM but still felt so shit that I couldn't start any work. A number of times I wanted to go and fap to p but haven't, so that's a plus.
So? back to day one now! Trying to stay positive about it but really can't wait for my serotonin system to get back on track.
Anyway, thanks again for all the amazing post others have made!
Hi so, day 2 and I fapped again, what a killer! Went on fb and checked out some pics of a hottie and then I was off. Got to avoid edging. Was a tough day generally and I think this made things harder.
fapped twice to p. Then my gf came over in the night and we had sex. I was heaps disengaged but managed to get it up just. This is the first time I've come close to ED with her which was pretty terrifying. Up to this point I've been fine. So, it's a big reminder to stick to the task!
Still, no excuses. So 15/04/14 is day one again.
Day 2:
felt pretty depressed and anxious all day yesterday. Was actually quite rubbish... amazing how the serotonin system bounces around.
Had some work to do and just pushed through that which was the best solution even though it was hard. By the afternoon I felt a lot better. I'm feeling a lot of stress about my work and it feels like this is being exacerbated by the withdrawal symptoms. I'm doing lots of catastrophic thinking. But I find you just need to ride this out and do some things that make you feel good.
I've been going for lots of walks. I love doing this. I love just appreciating the loveliness of a morning and giving thanks for it.
I'm feeling pretty damn good today!
Day 3.
Last night was great, had the day off and that felt amazing. Did the things that I know help my mood and make me feel good. Went for walks, went to the gym, meditated and did cbm. went to see a movie with the gf and was fully engaged with her, no "fog" no sense of being distant. Gosh she's a great girl.
woke up feeling ok, not too much morning anxiety. Got naked and took some selfies of myself... felt like my brain was trying in some desperate way to get some porn... was sadly disappointed by the results!! What strange behaviour. Anyway, I got over that and went for a walk, got coffee, etc. Feeling good now. Looking forward to the day!
Found myself enjoying more listening, thinking music like Bon Iver instead of fire up stuff. I'm thinking more about future ideas and things that I love... making docos, Americana, great quality cinema. I went to a bookstore and had that feeling, "I want to read everything, I want to watch every great movie." Gosh, I haven't had that feeling for a while and God I've missed it.
Bottom line, feeling positive today.
Day 5:
really strong desire to relapse. Have just been putting off looking at P today for as long as I can, but kind of feel like it's inevitable which is a not great feeling.
Going to go and do some social stuff and see whether I can ride it out. I feel like it'll be a good achievement if I do. Have to remember there are lots of wonderful things apart from p and I can make myself happy in other ways.
I got a bit drunk last night which seems to be a total killer as far as the p goes. You wake up feeling depressed, serotonin is crashed out and you go searching for the p to bring it back up. Writing this diary helps. Good job reboot nation!!
Day 6:
So, I had to go to my girlfriends' extended family lunch yesterday which was exhausting. I got really tired out by all of the interacting with everyone and playing with the kids. I could barely talk by the end!
I woke up this morning with terrible anxiety back again... what a killer! Lay in bed for half an hour or so just bubbling away with it. Then got up, went for a walk, had a berocca, had a good breakfast, tried to get life on track. I had a skype at 9am which was good.
At the cafe now to do my internet stuff then going up to my folks' place with the gf which should be nice. Have a pretty strong pull to look at some porn but I'm going to resist it. Basically, I can just get through this internet session and I will be right. It's pretty interesting that you need to build that self control by exercising the grey matter. Gosh I want to though... hmmm. Thank God for things that delay the looking at porn like writing in this diary. I feel like if I do this for long enough, the urge will pass. I need to keep in mind that I know that it's not a good idea.
I think I might read some reports from other people for a while to get sorted.
Life is more important and things will get better.
Day 9:
So, bit of anxiety this morning. Was manageable though and I got up and went for my walk. Something I'd love to work on is no more snoozing. I think a light lamp would really help.
Last night I did some weird behaviour. Took selfies and photoshopped them to make them more like porn.....oddddd behaviour!! Anyway, not hard to see why, my brain is craaaving porn and doing anything it can to get some!
Feeling more positive generally though and feeling like I'm going to be better able to handle what's being thrown at me which is a cool feeling. I'm also more positive about the future and future creative work.
Had a wonderful night last night with the gf. Wondering if she has some problems of desensitization from overuse of one of those shower things... Anyway, she's great.
I know that I can be strong and get through all of this. I've found in the past that days 9, 10, 11 are quite tough... I feel like I kind of run on a 10 day cycle...
Hope everyone is staying strong and best of luck.
Day 11:
Hi there. So I looked at a couple of pics of guys with big dicks yesterday. Then found a way to crack my phone and spent 40 mins doing the same. No orgasm or wanking but there you go, back to day one.
I've done it again today so that's pretty shit.
had great sex with the gf last night nonetheless. So all that ed and not being aroused etc is gone but I can't kick this really strong desire to look at p. Clearly I keep feeding it with this little sessions... I wonder what I can do...
Just keep trying to be strong I think. I'm getting better at it and it's important to push on.
Thinking with this film coming up that I need to be so focused... No fucking around with p as it's gong to take over my mind. I'll need to keep my same setup in the Philippines. But I really need to go three weeks clean before then to get rid of this casual looking at p.
Ok, got to refocus.
I'm going to do no coffees at Tapeo and no sitting on my bench until Monday (Day 4) So hopefully you won't hear from me then!
Stay strong.
Going to stay as strong as I can today even though it's all buzzing around my mind again.
27.04.14
So, back on day one again. Had a couple of bad days. Really struggling with a bunch of things. Feeling no desire to look at porn now though. Does it run in cycles I wonder? Have had to delete my NRL app which breaks my heart a bit. Still, it's for the best and I don't need it.
All the best to everyone on this journey. If you're in hell, keep going.
Day 2:
Feeling good today... no desire for p... will see how I go today. It seems like it's those emotional extremes that send you back... feeling great and feeling terrible. You feel like you want to right the ship.
All the best to everyone!
So, 07/05/14
fapped a little while ago, am back to day 5 now. Have been staying away from the internet, so no posts recently... what a battle! I guess we all need to stick at this. It's tougher than you think!
Am trying an overcome pornography addiction with hypnosis book by ben bonetti. Tried it last night and found it pretty good!
ALl the Best
So I thought I'd start a diary here because I've been slogging it out trying to quit p for like a year and a bit now. I feel like I'm making progress slowly, but it's disappointed me how long it's taken and I'm so sick of it. I want to keep taking positive steps and I hope that starting this diary is one of them. Finding YBOP has been great and thank you everyone who has posted previously and inspired me to get to this point.
So... the longest I've gone with no fap is 21 days but I've been trying to give up p for about a year. I must admit, in that time my p use has drastically reduced from a couple of hours a day, often staying up into the wee hours of the night to a short p relapse every 10 to 14 days on average.
During that time I was fapping heavily, I saw my tastes progress to tranny and gay porn (I'm straight) and to themes of domination over vulnerable women. During that time I also experienced delayed or no ejaculation and ED problems.
Now though, it feels like a fair bit of that has been wound back and I am feeling heaps more in control and I feel like the next crack at no fap might be a really solid one.
I have a pretty rock solid routine that I'm trying to stick to as much as I can.
I am currently struggling with feelings of worthlessness, anxiety and depression which I feel are symptoms of my serotonin system trying to rebalance itself. I am getting no real enjoyment from my work and no real enjoyment from much else and this is difficult.
I have the most wonderful girlfriend who I love. I have no ED or delayed ejaculation now. In fact, it's gone the other way a little now and I'm having some PE issues but I'd much prefer to have these than the other! I'm enjoying sex with her a lot more than in the past.
Nonetheless I'm still having relapses. I've found I have these when I'm very anxious or when things are going really well and I'm feeling like I've almost kicked the problem.
Anyway, I had another relapse yesterday which prompted me to start a diary in the hope that this attempt can be a long-term one.
So yeah, yesterday I woke up feeling terrible: had this great rush of anxiety about the screenplay I was working on. Lay in bed feeling terrible. Wanted to get up but in the end didn't think I could. Wanted to fap to get rid of the feeling but didn't. Then went to my phone and found a way to crack my internet protection. Fapped to p for about an hour and a half. Came and then put it away and fixed the gap in my internet protection.
Immediately felt better. Got up went for a walk.
Then spoke to my girlfriend and was really irritated and short with her. Then I just couldn't get started on work all day: full of anxiety and doubt about it, thought it was totally shit, still do. Stressed about what I'm doing with my life. Didn't want to talk to anyone. Had no energy. Just wanted to lie on the couch and watch the footy.
Went to the gym, meditated, did CBM but still felt so shit that I couldn't start any work. A number of times I wanted to go and fap to p but haven't, so that's a plus.
So? back to day one now! Trying to stay positive about it but really can't wait for my serotonin system to get back on track.
Anyway, thanks again for all the amazing post others have made!
Hi so, day 2 and I fapped again, what a killer! Went on fb and checked out some pics of a hottie and then I was off. Got to avoid edging. Was a tough day generally and I think this made things harder.
fapped twice to p. Then my gf came over in the night and we had sex. I was heaps disengaged but managed to get it up just. This is the first time I've come close to ED with her which was pretty terrifying. Up to this point I've been fine. So, it's a big reminder to stick to the task!
Still, no excuses. So 15/04/14 is day one again.
Day 2:
felt pretty depressed and anxious all day yesterday. Was actually quite rubbish... amazing how the serotonin system bounces around.
Had some work to do and just pushed through that which was the best solution even though it was hard. By the afternoon I felt a lot better. I'm feeling a lot of stress about my work and it feels like this is being exacerbated by the withdrawal symptoms. I'm doing lots of catastrophic thinking. But I find you just need to ride this out and do some things that make you feel good.
I've been going for lots of walks. I love doing this. I love just appreciating the loveliness of a morning and giving thanks for it.
I'm feeling pretty damn good today!
Day 3.
Last night was great, had the day off and that felt amazing. Did the things that I know help my mood and make me feel good. Went for walks, went to the gym, meditated and did cbm. went to see a movie with the gf and was fully engaged with her, no "fog" no sense of being distant. Gosh she's a great girl.
woke up feeling ok, not too much morning anxiety. Got naked and took some selfies of myself... felt like my brain was trying in some desperate way to get some porn... was sadly disappointed by the results!! What strange behaviour. Anyway, I got over that and went for a walk, got coffee, etc. Feeling good now. Looking forward to the day!
Found myself enjoying more listening, thinking music like Bon Iver instead of fire up stuff. I'm thinking more about future ideas and things that I love... making docos, Americana, great quality cinema. I went to a bookstore and had that feeling, "I want to read everything, I want to watch every great movie." Gosh, I haven't had that feeling for a while and God I've missed it.
Bottom line, feeling positive today.
Day 5:
really strong desire to relapse. Have just been putting off looking at P today for as long as I can, but kind of feel like it's inevitable which is a not great feeling.
Going to go and do some social stuff and see whether I can ride it out. I feel like it'll be a good achievement if I do. Have to remember there are lots of wonderful things apart from p and I can make myself happy in other ways.
I got a bit drunk last night which seems to be a total killer as far as the p goes. You wake up feeling depressed, serotonin is crashed out and you go searching for the p to bring it back up. Writing this diary helps. Good job reboot nation!!
Day 6:
So, I had to go to my girlfriends' extended family lunch yesterday which was exhausting. I got really tired out by all of the interacting with everyone and playing with the kids. I could barely talk by the end!
I woke up this morning with terrible anxiety back again... what a killer! Lay in bed for half an hour or so just bubbling away with it. Then got up, went for a walk, had a berocca, had a good breakfast, tried to get life on track. I had a skype at 9am which was good.
At the cafe now to do my internet stuff then going up to my folks' place with the gf which should be nice. Have a pretty strong pull to look at some porn but I'm going to resist it. Basically, I can just get through this internet session and I will be right. It's pretty interesting that you need to build that self control by exercising the grey matter. Gosh I want to though... hmmm. Thank God for things that delay the looking at porn like writing in this diary. I feel like if I do this for long enough, the urge will pass. I need to keep in mind that I know that it's not a good idea.
I think I might read some reports from other people for a while to get sorted.
Life is more important and things will get better.
Day 9:
So, bit of anxiety this morning. Was manageable though and I got up and went for my walk. Something I'd love to work on is no more snoozing. I think a light lamp would really help.
Last night I did some weird behaviour. Took selfies and photoshopped them to make them more like porn.....oddddd behaviour!! Anyway, not hard to see why, my brain is craaaving porn and doing anything it can to get some!
Feeling more positive generally though and feeling like I'm going to be better able to handle what's being thrown at me which is a cool feeling. I'm also more positive about the future and future creative work.
Had a wonderful night last night with the gf. Wondering if she has some problems of desensitization from overuse of one of those shower things... Anyway, she's great.
I know that I can be strong and get through all of this. I've found in the past that days 9, 10, 11 are quite tough... I feel like I kind of run on a 10 day cycle...
Hope everyone is staying strong and best of luck.
Day 11:
Hi there. So I looked at a couple of pics of guys with big dicks yesterday. Then found a way to crack my phone and spent 40 mins doing the same. No orgasm or wanking but there you go, back to day one.
I've done it again today so that's pretty shit.
had great sex with the gf last night nonetheless. So all that ed and not being aroused etc is gone but I can't kick this really strong desire to look at p. Clearly I keep feeding it with this little sessions... I wonder what I can do...
Just keep trying to be strong I think. I'm getting better at it and it's important to push on.
Thinking with this film coming up that I need to be so focused... No fucking around with p as it's gong to take over my mind. I'll need to keep my same setup in the Philippines. But I really need to go three weeks clean before then to get rid of this casual looking at p.
Ok, got to refocus.
I'm going to do no coffees at Tapeo and no sitting on my bench until Monday (Day 4) So hopefully you won't hear from me then!
Stay strong.
Going to stay as strong as I can today even though it's all buzzing around my mind again.
27.04.14
So, back on day one again. Had a couple of bad days. Really struggling with a bunch of things. Feeling no desire to look at porn now though. Does it run in cycles I wonder? Have had to delete my NRL app which breaks my heart a bit. Still, it's for the best and I don't need it.
All the best to everyone on this journey. If you're in hell, keep going.
Day 2:
Feeling good today... no desire for p... will see how I go today. It seems like it's those emotional extremes that send you back... feeling great and feeling terrible. You feel like you want to right the ship.
All the best to everyone!
So, 07/05/14
fapped a little while ago, am back to day 5 now. Have been staying away from the internet, so no posts recently... what a battle! I guess we all need to stick at this. It's tougher than you think!
Am trying an overcome pornography addiction with hypnosis book by ben bonetti. Tried it last night and found it pretty good!
ALl the Best