I've been married to my wife for almost 3 years now. I've used porn all throughout our marriage and long before it, started around 11 years old. I did harm to my wife in my addiction and used sex as a way to medicate and felt as though I couldn't function if she didn't provide me with sex. Sex was always an issue in my past relationships, I never felt I was getting enough. My porn addiction really escalated in my marriage when my wife became sexually distant. She wanted us to have a sexual relationship but felt I was putting way too much emphasis on it and prioritizing above our emotional intimacy. Needless to say, I'm beginning to make living amends to my wife for the way I used her for sex. I struggle though with rushing to develop a healthy sexuality with my wife. I find myself doubting that she wants to be sexual with me or find myself planning out opportunities for sex, rather than letting it happen, or not happen. Is there anyone else having this issue? I feel I'm getting a handle on it but I'm just curious to see how others have dealt with this.
Obsessing about healthy sexuality
- Thread starter Mbg
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Thanks for this, Mbg. Our stories resemble each other quite a bit even though I've not been married but only in a relationship for 3.5 years. Porn was always an issue and I've never been on a streak like this before ever since I started watching porn.
I'm going to reunite with my girlfriend in two days and am both excited and anxious about it for the very same reasons you are. I want to turn everything upside down and make it perfect. But intimacy has to be built slowly and I know that putting that kind of extra pressure on myself because of the wasted years behind me is not helpful but detrimental.
I believe we have to strike a good balance here: Caring about our sexual relationship but not obsessing over it. Making a move at times but not setting a timetable. Etc.
Realizing that you might be overdoing it right now is an important first step toward developing a truly healthy way of living sexuality. Are there people who are already past this point here (apart from existing threads)?
I'm going to reunite with my girlfriend in two days and am both excited and anxious about it for the very same reasons you are. I want to turn everything upside down and make it perfect. But intimacy has to be built slowly and I know that putting that kind of extra pressure on myself because of the wasted years behind me is not helpful but detrimental.
I believe we have to strike a good balance here: Caring about our sexual relationship but not obsessing over it. Making a move at times but not setting a timetable. Etc.
Realizing that you might be overdoing it right now is an important first step toward developing a truly healthy way of living sexuality. Are there people who are already past this point here (apart from existing threads)?
Thanks for te reply User. I'm at a point where I'd like to believe I could have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife but I too am anxious. I begin interrogating myself and questioning my motives. Am I in the right frame of mind to engage in sex, or am I using sex to medicate? Will having sex only cause me to obsess and want more, or will it lead me to look at porn or masturbate? I believe these are healthy questions but in the moment, it's very hard to think rationally... "Well my wife wants to and I'll take anything I can get". This line of thinking seems dangerous to me...
nD86
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Tricky situation. I can see why you'd feel anxious. I think there really are no guarantees when it comes to developing a healthy sexual relationship with your wife. Unlike P, which consistently delivers, your wife has a mind and heart of her own so sex needs to be on both your terms, not just yours.
On a practical level, I know women find men who are needy about sex deeply unattractive. Maybe invest some time in developing your sexual skill set and sex appeal. Learn about the female brain and learn more about how arousal works for the woman-folk. There's nothing more killer for developing a healthy sex life than one of you feeling like it's an obligation. Regain your power by making her want you as much as you want her.
On a practical level, I know women find men who are needy about sex deeply unattractive. Maybe invest some time in developing your sexual skill set and sex appeal. Learn about the female brain and learn more about how arousal works for the woman-folk. There's nothing more killer for developing a healthy sex life than one of you feeling like it's an obligation. Regain your power by making her want you as much as you want her.
Read this book: Cupid's Poisoned Arrow
It's a wonderful and thorough (if lengthy) explanation of how sex and orgasm play out in an intimate relationship. There are a number of perspectives presented (anthropological, biological, spiritual, etc.) to explain the ideas and their context, but most of all, it has very detailed and easy-to-follow instructions on how to regain feelings of love and intimacy and to have the sex be an expression of those feelings.
My wife and I have been practicing this method for over a year, and we have had terrific results; it's been an amazing turnaround in our relationship.
Being a recovering PMO addict, I felt as you do that my pressuring her and using her for [porn-inspired] sex was a huge problem, and one I didn't know how to fix. It's no longer a problem for us. She loves the sex we have now (we both do).
It's somewhat hard to believe that there is a single book that can do that, but that's been my experience. However, you have to be open to doing things differently, changing old habits, etc. The author has a forum you can check out for some personal accounts from other people who have been working through this stuff here: http://reuniting.info
It's a wonderful and thorough (if lengthy) explanation of how sex and orgasm play out in an intimate relationship. There are a number of perspectives presented (anthropological, biological, spiritual, etc.) to explain the ideas and their context, but most of all, it has very detailed and easy-to-follow instructions on how to regain feelings of love and intimacy and to have the sex be an expression of those feelings.
My wife and I have been practicing this method for over a year, and we have had terrific results; it's been an amazing turnaround in our relationship.
Being a recovering PMO addict, I felt as you do that my pressuring her and using her for [porn-inspired] sex was a huge problem, and one I didn't know how to fix. It's no longer a problem for us. She loves the sex we have now (we both do).
It's somewhat hard to believe that there is a single book that can do that, but that's been my experience. However, you have to be open to doing things differently, changing old habits, etc. The author has a forum you can check out for some personal accounts from other people who have been working through this stuff here: http://reuniting.info