Fantasies

[maxee525]

Hey fellas,
Today is day 105 for me since I last masturbated, and 120 since I last watched porn.  My question is about the fantasies.  Do you guys get them?  Do they cause you to get an erection?  How often do you get them?  When do you get them?  (Lots of questions as you can see). 

The fantasies I've been getting having been moving in cycles, sometimes I get them a 2-3 times a day, sometimes just once, sometimes none.  They are always of girls who I have slept with in the past, and with whom the sex was great (hence why I remember them).  When I get these fantasies, I do start to get an erection.  The episodes usually only last a few seconds in my mind, then I get back to whatever I was doing (I often find myself having some of these fantasies pop into my head while driving...maybe this could be a different type of DUI). The erection comes and goes quick, and it's not even a full hard on (or even half of a hard on). 

Does anybody else get these?  Do you start to get an erection?  How often do you get them?  How do you avoid them?  How do you handle them?  Is a fantasy considered a relapse? 

This is where having ADD can be a real obstacle.  I have ADD, and as such, my mind simply wanders a lot.  Sometimes I'll see a billboard or see a hot woman, and presto, next thing I know I'm fantasizing about one of my previous partners and starting to get an erection (again, these are very quick episodes, usually seconds, so there is no time for an entire hard-on)

Would appreciate any and all info anyone can provide.  As always, I really appreciate this community and the support system that exists here.  I know I would not be able to do this if I was alone. 

 

[Poker]

I get them...  for me its an obstacle.  Mine have always been of a deviant nature, and might as well be porn.  I do my best not to let my mind run with it, because sex could never live up to the fantasy and I'm scared I'll end up not performing when I'm back in the saddle again with a woman.

Cheers,

p.

 

[Chaos Mind]

Let me give answers to your questions according to this assumption:

They are always of girls who I have slept with in the past, and with whom the sex was great

###

Does anybody else get these?

Yes.

Do you start to get an erection?

Yes.

How often do you get them?

at the moment, once or twice a day. It depends on my mood and state of emotion.

How do you avoid them?

I don't.

How do you handle them?

When they appear at the wrong time, I "wipe" them away, try to get busy again. But most of the time I just allow myself to slip into the fantasy and enjoy it as part of my healthy recovery. I do not MO however.

Is a fantasy considered a relapse?

In my opinion, a fantasy can only lead to a relapse if it spoils your progress with tainted images.

As mentioned above, I am referring to what I consider "healthy sex fantasies". Only because we are or were addicted to pornographic material, we should not become hypersensitive to everything related to sex. Erotic fantasies and desires are completely human. Only what our sick brains have made out of it is not. Why don't you allow yourself to think back to times you had great sex with a woman? I mean...look at how many guys here can't have these "normal" fantasies at all. They only get aroused when picturing fetish scenes or porn-like scenarios. If that happens, you should avoid reminiscing about it. I'd say that someone who gets an errection when thinking about "normal" sex with real life girls, he is absolutely on the right path of recovery.

Poker's fantasies, as he describes above my post, are of "deviant nature". These fantasies can set you on the wrong track, back to old habits.

For our mind, there is no clear difference between seeing an erotic scene or imagining one. If you imagine porn scenes and you totally indulge in them, it could be regarded as a relapse. If you imagine "normal" sex scenes, i.e. such settings you are aiming at having yourself again one day, it appears to me your brain has rewired to a certain extent.

 

[Poker]

I may look into seeing a sexual therapist...  I saw the wrong images as a teen and I need to deal with this.

Good thread, I would not have come to this conclusion without discussing it openly.

Cheers,

p.

 

[Chaos Mind]

Poker, don't be too hard to yourself. I have been looking at awful pictures and, yes, they fascinated me. I have roleyplayed perversions of games and it slowly changed my behaviour towards women. When earlier I saw a beautiful woman I thought "wow, she is so pretty! I wonder how it would feel like to kiss her". That got more and more replaced by rude sexist lowbrow bullshit thoughts. And I have these dark fantasies too. But some of us are more predisposed than others. You have a real struggle but it's not your fault. It could have also happened to me...just like my crap could have happened to you.

If you feel like a therapist can make these thoughts go away, you should definetely give it a try. Still I think it is very important that you accept yourself and like all about you just the way things are.

 

[Poker]

Thanks k-os.  I'm torn on that one.  I used to go on escort review boards to socialize....  and a long time ago this chic tells me "You're not a bad person.  Everybody is into something, and that's just what you're into."  I bought into that.  But the dark fantasies affect me.  I could never finish with my wife unless I pinned her hands down, and always wanted to take it to a whole other lever....  and she was not into that at all.  So... its kinda fucked. 

p.

 

[Fappy]

Hi,
I often get then, usually when im bored and my mind can wander.
I dont consider then a relapse, just my mind conjuring up images to try and get me to watch porn. If i follow through with the feelings induced by the fantasies, like toss off to porn or stick my cock in a jar of peaches, then i would consider it a relapse.
When fantasies arise recognize them for what they are, fantasies.

 

[Chaos Mind]

Poker, that's a difficult situation. BDSM fantasies are nothing to be ashamed of. Many couples act them out and still live a "normal" and healthy life. But it always takes two! It's hard to tell where your fantasies came from, isn't it? Could be that they were in you all along and porn just made them appear. Then the situation would still be the same even without porn addiction. I hadn't been into this way of having sex myself. My current girlfriend, however, she's a little bit into it. The games we played were all harmless, but I could still see how I'd like to take it to another level - just as you described. My gf would be willing to follow, I know that. That raises the question: are our situations any different? Am I a better person than you are? Do you need a cure and I don't? Just because my gf likes it and yours does not?

If you feel like your fetish controles you, it might be a good idea to change something. A therapist can help you with that.

 

[Innocence]

I noticed when I started to work-out at the gym I found more peace of mind also with a lot of fantasies.