MattHealthy
Member
Happy New Year everyone. I first looked at Your Brain on Porn about two weeks ago and have been thinking, since then, about doing a "reboot." Now, with the new year beginning, I'm going to do it.
This is something I really want to do. I have a lot of things going on in my life at the moment and it's more important then ever to get healthy. My father is in poor health and could very well die this year. I recently quit my job--dissatisfaction, lack of meaning, purpose--and am looking for a new job/work/meaning, sense of purpose. I'm increasingly tired of feeling bad about being single, not having any kids, feeling ambivalent about my career, and realizing that my life is half over.
There's a lot in life that I want. I want so badly to have a lasting, loving relationship with a partner. Maybe even get married! I've never been married, and never had a relationship lasting more then 18 months. In fact, this was my last relationship, which ended last year. It was then that I decided: no more f**king porn! Enough already!
A brief sketch of porn and sexual fantasy/obsession in my life: adult magazines as a child. Porn on VHS as a teenager and into my 20s, DVDs in my 30s. Voyeurism in my 30s (neighbors who'd leave their shades up while undressing, etc., I would watch). Porn in adult bookstores. And the crack cocaine: internet porn. I can't begin to quantify how much I've watched. Tons. Boatloads. So much time wasted riding the dopamine wave.
I last used internet porn in late August 2014, right around the time I broke up with my girlfriend. We'd been together 18 months. I'm sure porn played a significant role in the absence of pleasure I took in her company. I don't--at the moment--miss her, or regret breaking up, so maybe it was the right thing to do, but I've never really had an adult relationship where I wasn't also using porn. Its a wildcard. And--even since I stopped looking at IP four months ago--every time I meet a young woman, or even see one, I first scan her body, then begin to scheme.
There's a lot I'd like to do in 2015 people. Books I want to read; I want to start drawing again; improve at guitar, get some friction', regular exercise, and have some real/sustaining relationships with people--without being a victim/slave to lust.
This morning I disabled my account from an internet dating site. I will not be looking at Facebook anytime soon. I purchased a subscription to a Yoga Studio. And now I'm doing this.
Please forgive me for the very long post. I obviously have a lot on my mind and a lot of strong feeling. Feedback, thoughts, challenges, whatever: totally welcome. Happy New Year.
-Healthy
This is something I really want to do. I have a lot of things going on in my life at the moment and it's more important then ever to get healthy. My father is in poor health and could very well die this year. I recently quit my job--dissatisfaction, lack of meaning, purpose--and am looking for a new job/work/meaning, sense of purpose. I'm increasingly tired of feeling bad about being single, not having any kids, feeling ambivalent about my career, and realizing that my life is half over.
There's a lot in life that I want. I want so badly to have a lasting, loving relationship with a partner. Maybe even get married! I've never been married, and never had a relationship lasting more then 18 months. In fact, this was my last relationship, which ended last year. It was then that I decided: no more f**king porn! Enough already!
A brief sketch of porn and sexual fantasy/obsession in my life: adult magazines as a child. Porn on VHS as a teenager and into my 20s, DVDs in my 30s. Voyeurism in my 30s (neighbors who'd leave their shades up while undressing, etc., I would watch). Porn in adult bookstores. And the crack cocaine: internet porn. I can't begin to quantify how much I've watched. Tons. Boatloads. So much time wasted riding the dopamine wave.
I last used internet porn in late August 2014, right around the time I broke up with my girlfriend. We'd been together 18 months. I'm sure porn played a significant role in the absence of pleasure I took in her company. I don't--at the moment--miss her, or regret breaking up, so maybe it was the right thing to do, but I've never really had an adult relationship where I wasn't also using porn. Its a wildcard. And--even since I stopped looking at IP four months ago--every time I meet a young woman, or even see one, I first scan her body, then begin to scheme.
There's a lot I'd like to do in 2015 people. Books I want to read; I want to start drawing again; improve at guitar, get some friction', regular exercise, and have some real/sustaining relationships with people--without being a victim/slave to lust.
This morning I disabled my account from an internet dating site. I will not be looking at Facebook anytime soon. I purchased a subscription to a Yoga Studio. And now I'm doing this.
Please forgive me for the very long post. I obviously have a lot on my mind and a lot of strong feeling. Feedback, thoughts, challenges, whatever: totally welcome. Happy New Year.
-Healthy
I know that you can do it and that you have a wonderful life before you. I'm 45 yo and I can totally relate to what you said about having missed out big time in life. Lately I've been thinking that it's great to be in my fourties, which means I'm not in my fifities, sixties...lol! I don't want to think back and feel regret. I can live my life now, I won't be younger ever. Age is just a number anyway.