My Journal...Very Unique Age 38 Experience

[Pd38]

So I'll start with my youth.  As long as I can remember I was obsessed with sex and sexual images.  As far back as 5th grade I would obsess over girls.  It was then that I saw my first magazine and was hooked!  I would MO after age 14 or so with or without pictures when I had the chance.  I eventually stopped cold turkey.  I had seen a movie or two at this point.  It was very hard to get time with a movie though. 

I was active with a couple of girls at age 15 - 18.  No O until age 17.  I could ALWAYS keep it hard but O was sometimes hard to 'find'.  No response with condom so....I stupidly stopped using them.  Luckily - no accidents.

And begun PMO again.  This time to movies I had found.  Only when I had the chance. 

Again I quit cold turkey for a year.  And begun again in my late teens.  More hardcore mags.  I would pick up one at a time and keep it for weeks.  Sometimes a couple of months. And went through a dry spell with the ladies.

Then I met another cutie.  And we messed around for a few months - and then I met another.  I began PMO again with mags.  At age 21 I was a daddy and stopped the PMO.  Still active with my girl.   

And begun again with hardcore mags.  By age 23 or so - I had an internet connection at a relatives house.  And would spend time burning 30 second clips onto CD's to play in my DVD player for PMO every evening.  Still had a VERY active sex life with my wife. I would pick up a hardcore mag every few months and use it for PMO.  But the movies were insane dopamine rushes.  I continued PMO daily.

I refused to buy a computer until 2007.  For my own reason that I knew it was over if I did.  And it was.  I DL'd porn when I could and would PMO every evening.  Still active with no problems with my wife.

Then in 2011 I noticed a difference.  I was less and less attracted to her.  We had been through some personal struggles - I was PMOing every day and felt less and less like having sex.  I had iPod's, computers, iPads, all for PMO.  I vowed to rejuvenate our sex life and we did.  VERY successfully - but PMO continued.  And sometime in late 2012 I began to experience slight PIED.  My 'tastes' had shifted and I was experiencing HOCD.  Absolutely NO attraction to men in real life.  Multiple windows, different subjects, hardcore straight race focused stuff, extreme fetishes, with ZERO desire for anything like this in real life.  I could only O if I imagined the most horrible scenarios.  Not always, though.  Up until late 2014 I could keep it up and enjoy sex.  Sometime in April or so it changed along with deep rooted marriage problems from the past.  I was not always consistent.  I would PMO and reset myself by dutily having sex with my wife.  Once we had sex I could keep an erection through sex.  In July I found yourbrainonpron.com.  I vowed to reset completely.

The longest I lasted was 8 days.  Pathetic.  My wife and I had begun to experience more problems from the past and sex was a chore.  We couldn't reconcile and are going our separate ways.  Our last experience together ended horribly.  It's been months now....I was barely able to finish semi-erect. 

I have been avoiding PMO as much as I could for months now, but had several relapses.  Still lookimg at P with no MO.  I can definitely say that I've PMO'd far less since July than I ever had in my recent life.  For the past couple of months - only PMO on weekends.  But still looking at P.  My last was Friday the 26th.  Before that it was the 20th.  I have met someone new and quite exciting, but can't keep an erection!  She was very understanding and we both realized it was probably for the best at this point (no protection).  I MO'd on Dec 29th with her 'support' but wasn't even fully erect at O.  Since the 26th I have had only slight response. But limp and shriveled.  Only morning wood as of the last few days.  I do notice that the shrivel is kinda going away.  I am getting some feeling back in this thing and feel like it will work as designed but am NOT gonna test it.  Hot shower water feels nice again (it had been years), and I get a small tingle and reaction at certain sights, sounds, smells during the day.

But my libido is and has been low for a while now.  Maybe 2 months or so?  Last PMO (26th) was horrible and forced and the O was nowhere near as strong as on the 29th (MO).  I feel like I am resetting, but slowly.  Am I in the middle of a reset?  I try not to focus on my last PMO, but more the fact that I've been avoiding it.  I was still looking at P, just no MO.  That all stopped on the 29th. 

I'm fighting cravings to look at P and actually want only to have a real life partner.  I'm feeling actual emotions (it had been years) and have though so clearly for the past few months.  My ADHD is under control, I have emotions, I want to love, I actually want to do things.  I've bee more social than I have in years.  I'm hoping I was slowly disassociating P with O over the past few months.  And now that Ive stopped completely that things will accelerate. 

I have NO desire to look at P.  I don't want anything to do with it.

Support please?  Anyone with a similar situation?  Experience?  I'm scared.  I want to work and feel like a whole human being again.                       

         

 

[ImInControl]

Hey dude..
This is my first reply to a post. I am a new user here as well.
Patrick in here contacted me with a direct-message to follow up if everything was going good. I was positivly surprised of the support in here.
So I thought, Hey.. If I can help others with replying, It will help me as well. So here I go

I can totally relate to your situation. I also had a girl which I was with for max 3 years. due to my obsession of P. I couldnt no longer turn on her.. and we broke up the relationship due to this. We have a 8yo kid together today and our friend-to-friend relationship is good now.
My situation is much similar to yours. Ive watched at girls from when I was like 8-9.. (ads in newspapers).. then i started M off that.
Then, I got my pentium 75mhz .. and BBS forums or what it was called back then,, waiting 10min just to get 1 image haha.

Time went, net got faster.. P became available everywhere.. just a click away. Even if I got laid, P was always in my life.. and i did not help with my relationship.. I wanted "more" of the women.. more fit, more slim, larger silicone br etc.. the stuff i saw everyday in the "real world".. that world that f*cked the real-life world up. But hey.. after rain comes the sun. You can break free from that shit.. You can do it!.. especially with support from guys in here.

But anyways, I have recently decided to stop all of this. No P at all. And im 15 days in.. its going quite good.
The thing that helped me when i craved for P was switching my mindset : "Fuck no.. watching P is not going to help my situation.. " Get angry at it,, switch your mind. keep your man-juices inside hehe.. You can do it!.. Just as I can do it. P will not help me, just eat you up slowly and destroy your life.

Setup a counter man.. its so awesome to watch your progress.. Im 15 days in and going strong, and I actually think of my progress-bar.. I dont want to fuck it up.. a relapse and starting from beginning aint cool - keeping it all the way is cool!.. You can do it!

If you feel bored, and want to watch P.. because you have seen some women on tinder/net/facebook what not.. then try doing something else for a change.. go wash dishes, tidy your clothes (if you dont feel like going outside)..  if you can get your ass outside, even better!.. take a run.
but its most likely we wont do that..  but then do something else!.. 

Stay strong in your mind - this is what counts!..
See if you can find someone to go out with.. take you out in the real world and not stay home...

I am about to quit my job, to become a freelancer... instead of staying home, I can go out on coffe-shops and work. this is one of my plans for 2015.


stay cool man

 

[Pd38]

Thanks for the support. Now that I think about it, a lot of men in our age group probably have a similar experience as far as the ratcheting up of the stimulation.

Here on day 10 (but more like month 2 since I had previously begun to quit) I feel quite good.  The
lifelessness of my equipment now feels normal.  In fact, it's been rather responsive. Especially the past couple of days.

I'm craving interaction with real people.  I feel good during interactions and even my close family has commented that I seem different. 

I had only slight cravings to look at P. Only because of a few images that showed up  on a Facebook feed.  I quickly scrolled away and moved on. But for a second I wanted to look.  I realize this is an exercise in self control after losing all control. I will continue to prevail as I have been able to quit in the past.

A new work week means new stresses but more interaction with people. I feel good!

 

[ImInControl]

Yea there are probably many of us like that.. for the quick thrill'.. but what happens afterwards?.. regret and feeling sucky :/ .. and the feeling that it will stay like this forever.. NO!!  You and myselfe are making HUGEE progress.. if you can be just 1% better than you were yesterday man, thats awesome!.. Dont let the small exitement of some P let you loose your progress.
Think of your progress bar man haha.. you dont want to start it all over again.

I feel its good for me as well.. im 20 or so days in, lost count. Of coarse I get aroused watching at tinder girls,, but I have said to my selfe : "no matter what, im not going to watch any P".. If i see any beautiful (hot girls).. i flick away quickly and mind my business of that shit..  my D is going inside a real punani the next time haha.. so better to put off efforts there.

keep up the good work!

 

[Pd38]

I made it through the week. A rather difficult week, too!  It's Saturday and it's the day I am most likely to relapse.

So I'll plan out a day full of activities and time with supporting people.

I have not been to 15 days in at least 15 years. What lies ahead?  I'm about to bust out of my skin right now after at least a week of feeling nothing through the holidays.

Everything is a trigger now!

 

[ImInControl]

Dude you are doing and outstanding effort!!! Stop feeling bad and praise yourselfe.
You are doing what's required now.. Fuck giving in!! Fuck quitting!. You are so much more than watching pixels. Get angry at that shit that's trying to relapse.. Hell no!
Oh gotta go bro ,

 

[Pd38]

Back to work!  The workweek makes this so much easier.

I peeked but resisted a long look. For a split second I wanted to surf but I quickly turned away and logged out of the computer.  Gotta learn to say NO! 

I feel like I'm about to bust out of my own body.

 

[ImInControl]

Hey... Good thing you have the will power to say no.
No one said this would be easy... But hey, you don't want this to be easy...
It has to be hard and difficult.  Watching P is the easy way out, it's the quick fix and you don't want that in your life any more.  You are becoming a man more and more by saying no to quick fixes, and taking life head on instead... You are dealing with difficult stuff and that is making you better each day. Again,, awesome you said no to yourselfe man!! Proud of your decision!! You can do it!.. You will reach your goal I know it 100%. Don't let your mind trick you and let you relapse... Read other story's in here, they'd wish they never did it... I believe in you! In 27 days in or so and I'm about to burst also but this feeling of becoming more MAN is 100000 times better than just releasing the tension into the drain.

 

[fapfreezone]

I'm not too far into my reboot, but I find that exercise (moderate cardio) is the best thing for reducing cravings. I do thirty minutes per day because I read that you get maximum serotonin boost with 3-4 hours per week, serotonin helps control dopamine based urges and I want to keep my exercise as even as possible for consistent benefits. I go in the morning and it doesn't take that long.

In terms of resisting, I find the best thing is something I read in a diet book by a psychologist. Essentially, you just create a small business sized card containing all the most important reasons to quit whatever you want to quit. Then, you read it several times per day, reflecting on each reason and it's impact on your life. The idea is that it will make you really want to quit, like really. So far it's working much better for me and I would have said I really wanted to quit before I started using the card. Since, though, I'm in a different world.

Whatever you choose, best of luck.

 

[ImInControl]

fapfreezone.. thank you for sharing that info man!..  that is gold.

Yes workout definetly helps for sure!.. ive been doing hard pumps in the gym, as hard as i can go.. so my body is exhausted. I absolutely love it!..
and been doing some walking/running as well (after the hard pumps). first my goal was 10min of walk. now its 30min..

pd38 .. how is your situation with keeping healthy?.. do you workout?.. what kinds of foods do you eat?..  these are thing we rarely think about, but have a great effect in the long run.
can you do some kind of workout after job?..

Les Brown (motivational coach) talked about those cards as well. I never tried it.. I have my "why" list, but not looked at it daily. Very interesting .. I might try that as well.
thank you for sharing.

pd38 we are here for you.. you are not alone man. stick to the program and fight the urges!..
dont let anything get to you. If you feel low or something, come in here and steam it off by writing to us.

 

[Pd38]

I never thought my counter could hit 17 days, so there is no stopping now.

And I do exercise regularly, I run, I do cardio, etc.  I'm not in bad shape so I guess that's a plus.  I do have a group of people that I can exercise with. Including one very special person.

I eat regularly. Not healthy, not too bad. But I've never been too much overweight. In fact I feel like I could put on some muscle as of late. Perhaps that's what I'll do. Work on strength training in the evenings. To get my mind off of the urges.

Thanks for the support. I will finish this!

 

[Pd38]

For the fist Saturday in a very long time I am not very tempted to look at P.  In fact, I feel like it would do nothing for me.  I got to spend some time with a very special person this week and it was amazing. I felt so alive and responsive. We laughed when I got a 70% E from just a slight touch!  And it stayed for a while. I'm sure it would have worked as designed if we had continued.

It's been nearly 22 days and while I'm not sure if I am completely 'fixed' or not I can't imagine going back to the life I used to have.

I'm going to exercise more with the time I used to kill with PMO and I'm going to start reading self help books to get me focused on life.

Life is great without PMO.

 

[ImInControl]

Dude you are at 22 days!! That is great!!
Keep it up man.. Your brain is being rewired to normality.
Remember now the mind will try to play tricks on u ... To fall in our disgusting habits.
Always chose No and you are stronger than to fall in.

No ur not 'fixed'... This is a life long journey. There is no milestone to hit and then it's over.
Just Keep up the good work man, ur doing great.. Especially with exercising.

 

[Pd38]

30 days but the day is still young. I know, however, that I'm not gonna break the streak. In fact, im now doubling it to 60.

I'm better. I'm in control. I'm responsive when I need to be. I'm alive all the time. Am I cured?  From PIED, I'm probably rebooted. Initial tests with a special friend are very positive. From thinking about P?  Nope.  It still will pop into my mind from time to time, but it no longer controls me. Some days I go all day without it popping into my mind. Today is day 30 and it's tempting me. I won't give in.

It will always be there. It will always call. It will always tempt. And as time goes on and "entertainment companies" improve the delivery of the poison it will get deadlier and deadlier. More and more addicting.

And we have to find ways to avoid the call. Avoid just looking. Avoid the triggers and curiosity. A trigger yesterday almost drove me crazy and I fought the urge to continue to look and closed the window.  So I know that even after 30 days it still has a powerful pull on me. Yet I know I can find that trigger and many more at any time and I choose not to. It's not worth it to watch P and once you streak without it you see why! 

I'll continue to come here and read and give my thoughts. I'll chime in more often when I feel I can really help. I have advice now that I've been on a succesfull streak.

ImInControl - fitting name. Thanks for helping me through this first phase. On to phase 2! 

 

[ImInControl]

hey bro,,
that effing amazing man!! you are doing awesome! the exact happened for me during my progress. I became more aware of my triggers,, and as soon as the urges popped up my mind went attack-mode on those thoughts.. "P it not worth it.. U really wanna break your record etc" My mind keep reinforcing its selfe,, how Shit P is and it did 0 good for me the last 15 years..

bro, you wouldnt believe me,, but the amount of women I stop daily now.. compared to just numbing my self with P before.. shit its a total difference. I am such more MAN now..
I have a challenge going, to stop at least 1 girl a day.. and im a week in or so. I had the best date ever last night.. things are going in the right direction when not dealing with fake ass P  .. trust me the women can smell it on you. So my advice is try to go more out and enjoy life. be gratefull for the things we have taken for granted. Do the stuff that makes you happy.
Yea there are triggers everywhere,, but your mind is aware now.. its awakened.. its ready to be in control and fight the stuff, that is no longer a part of you. Its slowly but surely loosings its power over you and going out of your system.

im what, 41 days in,, man its a great feeling! and i haven not even had orgasm, so my testorone is pretty high and craving to meet girls, so its awesome.

anyways, keep it up man.. dont even think of loosing your record for that shit. I am counting on you and I expect you to be here on day 60 so I can give you a bigass salute! your on the right path, dont let nothing distract you from your path, your vision and your goals .. nothing!

 

[ready2go]

I agree ImInControl:  women can smell porn on you, even if they dont' know exactly what it is, they know.  Thinking back to this past summer one actually told me something was wrong with my energy.  I had no idea what she was talking about then.  I do now.