My Struggle, My Story

[George Oh Well]

I remember the first time watching porn. It was on my father?s old office desktop running Windows 98. I didn?t even know it was called pornography, I just googled sex or naked women or something like that. I was at that age where I started noticing the opposite gender and discovered masturbation. In my teen years as technology developed at an exponential rate, so did my porn consumption habits. In eighth grade I was masturbating at least 5 to 8 times a day. I thought nothing of it until I had my first sexual encounter. It was with a beautiful girl, but for some reason I could not get an erection. I chalked up this failure to my ignorance of the sexual technique, but there was a bigger problem than that. Throughout my teen years I suffered from depression and anxiety. Fearing there was something wrong with me, I desperately sought solace and acceptance through self-medication of licit and illicit drugs including psychiatrist-prescribed drugs. Drugs made me feel worse, and not only that, it made me believe that there was something inherently wrong with me. What had happened to the bright and intelligent child I once was? Internet porn happened. Not until I turned 20 did I realize that the problem was staring me right in the face. Every day. For years. What made the problem exponentially worse was a two-fold factor; I viewed internet porn, proven to be more addicting than heroin, daily during my most formative years when the brain is most vulnerable to addiction. I shot myself in the foot and I had not even realized it until now. Internet porn took this creative and innocent boy I once was and told him that everything about him was wrong and that he was worthless.  I began to feel that way and that is what led to my depression and anxiety. The drugs fed into the feelings of hopelessness and trapped me in a vicious circle of self-hatred and self-medication, one that I am still trapped in today.
But it does not have to be this way.
I am writing this in the hope that it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, a manifesto of sorts. The first step was to become aware that porn addiction was the problem. The next is to consciously break the habit, break out of this prison of self-doubt and pain. I am bigger than my addiction. I will not allow porn addiction to dictate how I live my life. I am the master of my own fate, and although I have had a late start, I will fight the good fight, I will finish the race, and I will keep the faith.
I AM GREATER THAN MY ADDICTION. I WILL FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT, I WILL FINISH THE RACE, AND I WILL KEEP THE FAITH.

 

[persian29]

thanks for sharing your story man. I also suffer from anxiety but I can tell you that you are at the right place. This programand Nofap has helped me a lot. the longer you stick with it, the better it gets. Good luck.

 

[marsturm]

Hello George, Thanks for sharing. I know you can do it. I have found that being aware of my state of mind has helped me tremendously in my recovery. Please read "The Serenity Principle" by Joe Bailey to see why willpower alone is not always the game to play. I'm rooting for you, bro. Feel free to get in touch with me anytime if you need support. We can do it!

 

[George Oh Well]

Thanks for the recommendation, Patrick. I will check it out as soon as I finish this reply. The bittersweet irony of all this is that if it were not for the Internet I may very well have never became addicted to p, but because of the Internet we have this community that can solve the very problem that the Internet started in the first place. It is our saving grace in this life, that every one of us faces problems and obstacles everyday, yet we have the tools to overcome these challenges and become all the better because of it. Thanks for the support everyone, and always remember solidarity is the key to our success.

 

[jkkk]

I like your motto of St. Paul's

George, welcome!

There are two threads on this forum, guideline threads if you want, that I recommend. I will send you the links through PM.

Print them out. Take a pen. Mark them at every point, where you find yourself, your feelings, your situation. Then leave them. Have a few weeks, then read them again. Enjoy.

 

[George Oh Well]

Hello George, Thanks for sharing. I know you can do it. I have found that being aware of my state of mind has helped me tremendously in my recovery. Please read "The Serenity Principle" by Joe Bailey to see why willpower alone is not always the game to play. I'm rooting for you, bro. Feel free to get in touch with me anytime if you need support. We can do it!

Picked up this hidden diamond at the library yesterday and all I have to say is, WOW! I can feel the serenity that I lost touch with years ago and it has brought about a positive change in my life that gets better everyday. I'm going to start recommending this book to everyone, truly a great read.

 

[marsturm]