One issue that I have noticed that is not mentioned in many forums is the correlation between sexual abuse in males and pornography addiction.
I believe a real correlation exists. In my case (and I am making an assumption about other victims of sexual abuse as well) abuse when I was young gave me a very distorted view of what sexuality was. As I discovered my sexuality as a pre-teen and early-teen I can remember having intense thoughts of confusion. Note: I was not confused about my sexual orientation, just what sex was, or what it was supposed to be.
I interpreted sex in a very non-sensual, non-emotional way. I was instantly drawn to pornography because this made the most sense: sex was a purely physical act, even an aggressive act replete with simultaneous feelings of submission and aggression. My only framework for what sex was, was abuse and pornography (pornography seemed to confirm to me that that my abuse was within the spectrum of what was "normal"). I started to compulsively masturbate shortly after puberty. Even as I entered my teen years and started dating I (in my mind) had completely divorced the idea of an emotional connection being a part of sex. My anxiety and confusion about my early sexual abuse and the defensive triggers it set off, coupled with my addiction to pornography left me very confused. I found that when I was with my girlfriend that unless the sex was mindless and pornographic, I was unable to maintain an erection. This certainly felt like a defeat and made me retreat further into pornography to satiate my need for physical release. Relationships were short-lived and un-fulfilling often with me simultaneously pushing girls away with my misogynistic attitudes about sex, and my emotional unavailability.
The early sexual abuse of course had ramifications beyond my sexual-self: anger, confusion, mis-trust, etc. These characteristics spilled over into my adult life as I graduated from school and moved on with my life. After two failed, long-term relationships I turned fully to pornography as an outlet and then did what I had somehow always refused to do before: I became wildly promiscuous. Group sex, swingers parties, one-night-stands, prostitutes - as long as the sex was Neanderthal-like I was able to perform. In fact I even boosted my performance with medications like Viagra, etc. Sex in these situations was never satisfying and almost always led to intense feelings of guilt. Eventually as many of you know, even the kinkiness of say something like sex at a swingers club or sex with a prostitute was not enough. I actually found myself fantasizing about pornography or deviant sexual scenarios while I was already having mindless sex often with someone as deeply committed to non commitment as me. This was my first clue something was wrong. I also began to need more aggressive sexual scenarios to truly get off. Having sex with a prostitute or in a group was not enough; I wanted more partners, more porn-style sex (anal sex, rough sex, fetish sex, etc). Eventually the deed did not match the fantasy and my "real time" sexual exploits began to dissipate. Pornography was simply a better "fit." Feeling scared and scarred from my sexual abuse when I was younger(and understanding how this made it hard for me to make emotional commitments and often left me depressed and cynical about the world) coupled with my rabid addiction to pornography meant that I could not even feign attempts at relationships; sexual or otherwise. I discovered these forums a couple of weeks ago and even though I more-or-less knew what my basic issues were, sites like Reboot Nation helped me put the pieces together. What amazes me is that these forums are free, the advice is free, and the interaction with other members is free. This is truly grassroots. I cannot tell you how hopeful I fee now, even at 42 years old. The idea that I may be capable of a normal life, sexual and otherwise, is overwhelming. I am truly blown away!
I was curious if any other men have the same sort of "dual" issues I have, that is to say a history of early sexual abuse and then later an addiction to pornography?
Thanks for your time,
Thomas
I believe a real correlation exists. In my case (and I am making an assumption about other victims of sexual abuse as well) abuse when I was young gave me a very distorted view of what sexuality was. As I discovered my sexuality as a pre-teen and early-teen I can remember having intense thoughts of confusion. Note: I was not confused about my sexual orientation, just what sex was, or what it was supposed to be.
I interpreted sex in a very non-sensual, non-emotional way. I was instantly drawn to pornography because this made the most sense: sex was a purely physical act, even an aggressive act replete with simultaneous feelings of submission and aggression. My only framework for what sex was, was abuse and pornography (pornography seemed to confirm to me that that my abuse was within the spectrum of what was "normal"). I started to compulsively masturbate shortly after puberty. Even as I entered my teen years and started dating I (in my mind) had completely divorced the idea of an emotional connection being a part of sex. My anxiety and confusion about my early sexual abuse and the defensive triggers it set off, coupled with my addiction to pornography left me very confused. I found that when I was with my girlfriend that unless the sex was mindless and pornographic, I was unable to maintain an erection. This certainly felt like a defeat and made me retreat further into pornography to satiate my need for physical release. Relationships were short-lived and un-fulfilling often with me simultaneously pushing girls away with my misogynistic attitudes about sex, and my emotional unavailability.
The early sexual abuse of course had ramifications beyond my sexual-self: anger, confusion, mis-trust, etc. These characteristics spilled over into my adult life as I graduated from school and moved on with my life. After two failed, long-term relationships I turned fully to pornography as an outlet and then did what I had somehow always refused to do before: I became wildly promiscuous. Group sex, swingers parties, one-night-stands, prostitutes - as long as the sex was Neanderthal-like I was able to perform. In fact I even boosted my performance with medications like Viagra, etc. Sex in these situations was never satisfying and almost always led to intense feelings of guilt. Eventually as many of you know, even the kinkiness of say something like sex at a swingers club or sex with a prostitute was not enough. I actually found myself fantasizing about pornography or deviant sexual scenarios while I was already having mindless sex often with someone as deeply committed to non commitment as me. This was my first clue something was wrong. I also began to need more aggressive sexual scenarios to truly get off. Having sex with a prostitute or in a group was not enough; I wanted more partners, more porn-style sex (anal sex, rough sex, fetish sex, etc). Eventually the deed did not match the fantasy and my "real time" sexual exploits began to dissipate. Pornography was simply a better "fit." Feeling scared and scarred from my sexual abuse when I was younger(and understanding how this made it hard for me to make emotional commitments and often left me depressed and cynical about the world) coupled with my rabid addiction to pornography meant that I could not even feign attempts at relationships; sexual or otherwise. I discovered these forums a couple of weeks ago and even though I more-or-less knew what my basic issues were, sites like Reboot Nation helped me put the pieces together. What amazes me is that these forums are free, the advice is free, and the interaction with other members is free. This is truly grassroots. I cannot tell you how hopeful I fee now, even at 42 years old. The idea that I may be capable of a normal life, sexual and otherwise, is overwhelming. I am truly blown away!
I was curious if any other men have the same sort of "dual" issues I have, that is to say a history of early sexual abuse and then later an addiction to pornography?
Thanks for your time,
Thomas