Beggening a new Reboot while my wife is pregant.

[Tarmala]

Hi,
I'm 30 year old and I start now a new reboot. I got a relapse over xMas period. It's quite late, and I work tomorrow, but I want to write it, because I has tried often of doing it alone, but I'm not really successful recently. It's since 4 year I discovered Your Brain On Porn, and it change my life, really. Before I tought I was gay, because I wasn't able to get hard, but once I stop porn, I was ok. I got a first girl friend, which was more a fuck friend, so I had notting to lose, I saw that withtout porn, I didn't had any ED. But the relation didn't last (luckly) and after a couple of month, I meet my new girl friend.

She know my past, and she is quite comprehensive and we deeply ove each other. We live together since 1 and half year, and I know I want to libve with here the longest I can. I love her, we got a lot of affection and nice conversation. But we don't get a lot of sex, which bring tentation, especially when she rush at school, like before xMas. I know I can't blame her, isn't her problem, it's mine, and I got that problem a long time before I meet her. I start to look at porn at 12.. But I don't want to be dependant anymore of that things, to be happy in my famillial life.

So I tried a lots of thing, but the computer is my sources of leasure, which is bad too. I will write more about it soon, but I saw that there is for me a bigt link between video game and porn. So I shut down Steam, except for that xMas, foolish me. But mostly, I was relying mostly on Cold Turkey to block the principal bad site, the site I liked to see. It's cool, because it make it harder to watch, but with time, I just found new path. It's like fobidding an alchoolic to take Beer and Spirit, he will take Wine. The only thing I really need to get out of that addiction, it's willingness. And to help myself, I need to tell people of my process and to be liable to others. So here I take my engagement, I'm to my day 0 and tomorrow I will come back for my day 1.

 

[shutemdwn]

Yes, willingness is the key. Sorry to hear that gaming is a trigger for you. I use it as a distraction,lol. But everyone is different. Don't beat yourself up about your relapse, learn from it. Pick yourself back up and keep going. You only fail if you quit entirely. Take care my friend.

 

[Yuri]

I guess it is because we still have pron somewhere as an option. We can't fully get away from it. We have to understand it is not an option at all.

 

[Tarmala]

Thanks shutemdown, it's nice to have comprehensive people. The first time I tried to Reboot, I was really mad at me when I look at porn. It was 4 years ago and it's only since I live with my comprehensive girlfriend that I learn to not beat myself up with that. It's really nice for the pressure, or the self-esteem, but at the same time, being too comprehensive make me more lasy. Like: "Only that, it doesn't matter" But it does! It's crazy, it's really like the bad anti-weed ad, because I was a pron addict and it will always be really tentatious for me.

Like Yuri said, I have to understand that it is not an option at all.

So it's a fine balance between not being to hard with me and knowing that I did bad things.

But for today, I got a nice day! I work from 10 to 10 and I loved it. It do program devellopement and support and today I code the whole day! I really love to code, it's bringing me in another world and it's really enternaining. Ok, I'm geek too, but well, I love my job. I didn't gete any trigger too!

And then I just arrive at home, to write on my journal, and I'm really happy of joining that communauty!

Now, I will watch Marco Polo to get the code off my head, and good to bed right after. (Important)

See you tomorrow, or on the week-end and thank for your answer.

 

[Tarmala]

Well, today was a good day! And I found out that leaving Reboot Nation helped me a lot, as I look at it before going to internet and it's add social to my life.

 

[shutemdwn]

I am noticing positive changes in how I feel and think too. And it's only been ten days since I've looked at porn. I have MB twice, but my goal wasn't to quit MB but to reduce it, and no IP. So I'm meeting both goals and feeling good about that. Maybe after thirty days I'll reduce MB down to maybe once a month and see how that goes.

 

[Tarmala]

Ha that's great for you too. I'm also only lloking to stop porn. Masturbation never had been a compulsive problem for me, well, it I dwould rather say, it never had been problematic in other sphere of my life. I'm quitting porn because I see it affect the life with my wife, my work and my social life. Allowing me to masturbate is my way to not be too hard with me.

And this week-end had been nice, I did a lot of social. It's maybe a lot of thing I wouldn't have done if I was again on porn. I pround of that. And doing lots of social helped me a lot! Tought, I'm a bit frustrated, because I hoped to make love with my girlfriend, but we did too much thing. Since I lived with her, I use porn like a alternative, or a steam-venting, which was, I knew, very destructive for couple's life. I think it's my greatest chanlenge, because we don't make love often, one a week, I'm really lucky. For me, it's really frustrating, even more when I try to stop looking porn, because I want sex. But at the same time, for all other aspect of my life with her, I'm really happy.

So, where I need to focus. For shure, if I compare myself to porn, I will always be deceive, because I look at people that like sex a lot. But if I don't llok at porn, there is no comparaison. There is only compation for my wife that rush a lots being student, pregant and epileptic. I'm soo proud of her. She is so courageous, and that why I try to stop porn, to be happy with her for everything.

 

[TheGeek]

You've got it right when you say you have to look at it like it isn't an option. One mistake people make in quitting something, and even in starting something is that we try. "I'm trying to quit smoking." "I'm trying to quit P.M.O." "I'm trying to start working out." "I'm trying to become a writer."

You are not trying to quit. You have quit. Going back is not an option.

It's working for me.

Don't just stop using video games and the computer as a hobby replace them. Take up reading, or building scale models, or a musical instrument, do something with this time your creating, boredom is the enemy.

Most of all you can do this.

 

[Tarmala]

It's now again Sunday, and I just got a long week were I didn't sreally stop. It's good, because I didn't had time for temptation. But at the same time, I lack of time for myself.

For the story, last Sunday, I when to bed without looking at porn and it was a bit hard tfor me te sleep. But my wife just started to touch me and we made love in the middle of the might. I was very happy and touched by that. I havn't been able to get really hard in her, and we dfinished touching ourself side to side, but It was nice to know my wife still like sex.

And then I got the whole week without touching myself, and at each sunday, I always hope to have sex with my wife on week-end, at least once a week. But we didn't get time, and this morning I was frustrated with that and wnated to masturbate in the shower. But I didn't hoping for later occasion today. I finaly I didn't. So I was in front of my computer and I got to go on Kijiji, where I was looking for meeting xwith guy before, long time ago. And it was a trigger for me. I was curious,. I didn't what at all to find someone. I love my wife, really. But it's just the curiosity of seing other life, and to compare and I don't know,. But for shure, isn't good for me and my dependancy. So, I didn't look at the meeting section. And I'm really happy with that. Again, it's just a other way to get porn, another way that i didn't forbid me yet. If I want to succed, I need to be consequent with what I want. But really, coming to that site helped me to pass that rush, and I will be able to go to bed pround of myself.

 

[Tarmala]

And weah, that's interesting, "You are not trying to quit. You have quit. Going back is not an option. " I will defenitivly think of that.

 

[Tarmala]

Everthing was going fine since 30 day, but I got a relapse today.
I had really an awesome month, I never felt soo in loved with my wife. And we made love once a week, which was nice.

The feeling of getting free and in control is very nice.

But since a couple of Day, I strated to play little game on internet, because I didn't want to do a kind of homework. I was procrastinating, and game are very good for that. It was only online game, really boring, but they share a common thing with porn: Small reward, a lot of tiny reward that my brain recognize too well. Over the week, I play more and more game, and when I'm alone, it stop me doing the thing I need and I want to do. For shure game is more fun than doing a budget, or cooking, but on long term, having my thing done feel much better. And this afternoon, after some game, I just read some porn. REad isn't that bad, but still, I see how games are a premice to pornography.

Soo, I arrive to the conclusionthat for me, isn't that much no PMO that I need to do, but no Game and Pormograp?y. I mean, my biggest probl;em isn't masturbation and orgasm, it is really game and pornography. The MAsturbation and orgasm is a side effect of the first. Then since today, and now, I will consider game as pornography and I will stop both.

Well, that's kinda strange, because I studied modelisation 3D for video game, then I like them and know them a lot. But well, I have better to concentrate on getting off my addiction, I think the reward is greater. And I tried to build my life before another life arrive, it really important. I want to be a pround dad when my baby will born.

 

[Tarmala]

Ho, and you know that brain feelling, of light headache/fog in the brain aftyer a masturbation. Before I liked it. It felt normal for me. But now, I hate it, as it means I masturbated for too long. I'm frustated after me when I got that kind of headache. There is something annoying to want to control your life, and to be conscious of the bad effects of something that was good before. But I really want to get ride of theses habits.

 

[Tarmala]

Weell, I relapse, and I know why, because I got a frustrating event at my job. It wasn't that bad, but the thing where going like I would. Soo I pass my frustration on porn.

The good thing is that I didn't enjoyed it at the beggening, I had to force mysefl a little to look at porn. To be trrue, I just wnated to say FUCK OFF! I wanted to for get about my life a little and porn allow me to do that!

But that's a bad thing, because after, I wanted to play to the game I liked at xMas, and I even didn't really want to have sex with my girlfirnd, like if porn was more interesting that real sex. But finaly, we discuss about our sex life, and thig were fine and enjoyable.

But tonight, I got also frustraion about my friends, which I miss in this winter, and I saw picture of them have diner together. THat piss me off because they didn't invited me. I just don't want to lose them. So I play bubble game and them watch porn. That's stupid, I know, even more stupid because I  know I neglect them when I was dependant on porn. And I don't invite them too much, because I stay a bit away and I'm don't want to disturb my wife. At the same time, she told me I could do that, tonight, so I will.

Anyway, it's just, I have been the loser in my pass, and I didn't have many friends, I was shy. Now I'm always affraid of losing friend, but because of that, I don't do effort when I see I'm losing them. But I want to change that. I will invite them and prove them, and tell them, that they are important for me.

I know it's not related to porn, but I need to share that. And it's may be indirectly related. Having friend, entertainment help a lot to not be stuck in front of my computer. And I wnat to take control of my life and to keep my friend.

 

[Tarmala]

Ok, great, I got a relapse... I bigger one, 3 time in three day... that's annoying. ANyway, it's partially because I saw porn with my wife, as a pleasured thing. Then I got the bad idea to download some video for her.. I will write more about it soon, I need to go to bed.

 

[Tarmala]

Well, I had a small relapse today, mostly because ColdTurey was off, and I was alone. I put ColdTurkey back. And I want to continu on this was. The last week had been soo good, and I felt so in love with my wife. I still want it, and I hope I didn't change my brain two much. I'm more confident and I want to continue that.