Setbacks getting less but worse?

[Secondhalf]

So I haven't been on any long streaks like I have read but I have certainly curtailed things to the point where it's way less and I am getting close.  My issue is that I had a setback a couple days ago and it seems that even though I am much better at not pmo'ng the reaction is worse.  In the past I remember binges where I would pmo for hours and ejaculate 4 times in a couple days.  I just edged the other day that led me down a wrong path but it was the 4th time in 2 and a half months.  The physical reaction and draining was horrific.  Shriveling, lack of energy, back pain, rashes etc.  Can anyone relate that when you start tapering off the reaction is worse?

I suppose it's a good thing or maybe it's just my adrenalin of being so close to beating this and knowing it's the worst thing ever as I am doing it that is causing a bad reaction?

Any advice will help.

I'm at 2 days and hoping to get back on track

 

[Dharmabum]

Hey SecondHalf,

My reaction to withdrawal hasn't been quite like yours, but I wanted to post here to offer support nonetheless.

It's crazy what our bodies do when we take away the chemical rush we've been feeding it.  I've read all kinds of reactions people have.  Personally, I have mood swings, achy balls, cloudy thinking, and shifts in energy.  I should do better in tracking it, but I am trying not to dwell too much on the stages of it, because I tend to get caught up in my head about what it all means. 

I will say that, despite how our bodies manifest this stuff, we're really controlled by our mind and whatever resilience we can sustain during this journey helps us mitigate the physical stuff better.  If you can tell yourself that whatever stage you're going through is a legitimate part of the withdrawal process, you'll feel more confident about the journey.  I can imagine that a lot of us decide its not worth it and act out just to try to get the messiness to stop. 

There's a story Miles Davis told about how he came off heroin.  Instead of going into a treatment center (he trusted next to no one, which made him a fairly miserable person), he locked himself in a guest room at his father's house in St. Louis).  His dad brought him meals each day, left them at the door, but some days he never even got out of bed to retrieve the food.  He just stayed locked in that room, aching in his joints, screaming in pain, as the poison left his body.  After a couple of weeks, he could tell he'd exorcised it all and stepped out into the clean, fresh air and ate up everything in sight. 

Of course, Miles Davis isn't the best example of a successfully recovered addict, as he was on again/off again throughout his life, but that particular story reminds me that we have to outlast the beast.  We have to stare it down and know that every pain, every symptom it throws at us is its way of raging against our efforts to purge it.  It knows you're winning, and it hates that. 

So, conjure up whatever imagery you like:  knight vs dragon, hero vs villain, Miles Davis vs a syringe.  You are the hero in this scenario, and you can do this. 

 

[Secondhalf]

Thanks man,

I think I have been in this fight for 15 years and already was in withdrawal before I came across this sight.  I have such a profound reaction that it almost has to be good if that makes sense.  I think it's our own way of remembering this crap for the next time we have the choice to go down that path even if every cell is saying do it.  Thanks for your words and support.  I have a good feeling about this setback which is scary to admit.

 

[challenged]

I just edged the other day that led me down a wrong path but it was the 4th time in 2 and a half months.  The physical reaction and draining was horrific.  Shriveling, lack of energy, back pain, rashes etc.  Can anyone relate that when you start tapering off the reaction is worse?

One time doesn't make a pattern.  (I guess that's pretty trite, isn't it?)  What I mean is, perhaps your body was also fighting off a potential illness which exacerbated certain symptoms of your relapse, or there was another cause to what you experienced (e.g., stress).  It does seem a bit odd to me that a simple relapse like you describe would cause such drastic symptoms.  Have you felt okay since then?

I do agree with you that withdrawal symptoms or relapse symptoms can be a good sign that you are on the right track and that your brain is changing.  Also, if your symptoms are actually the result of your relapse, they are certainly an inducement to stay clean. 

Hang in there. 

 

[Secondhalf]

Thanks challenged,

My symptoms are very intense and very bizarre.  To answer your question no it's not from anything else other than dopamine.  The thing I am finding is this is not linear.  What I mean by that is before porn, when I was horny I literally will build up daily and then release when orgasming and feel great.  Now on the other hand I have days where i feel things building and then whammo back to flatline.  I edged and felt terrible for 2 days which is telling me my brain cant handle this anymore.  I got angry and pmo'd which made things worse.  As a result I really felt depleted, pain in pelvis, groin, shriveling intense.  I have been here before and pulled out of it and when I do it's usually made me stronger for the next time I deal with withdrawal.  Hoping this time is the same.  It usually takes about 5=7 days for me to "reset." 
I think I have a sever case because I think not only does the physical neurochemistry affect me, but also I am very sensitive to the emotional side of this which is really making me want to stop for good.  For the first time in my life i feel I can and will but am cautiously optimistic and not letting my guard down!

 

[challenged]

The thing I am finding is this is not linear. 

From what I have read on this forum and on YBOP, it does seem that those who experience more severe symptoms also comment that symptoms are not linear and that flatlining of their libido comes and goes.

I think I have a severe case because I think not only does the physical neurochemistry affect me, but also I am very sensitive to the emotional side of this which is really making me want to stop for good.  For the first time in my life i feel I can and will but am cautiously optimistic and not letting my guard down!

There is light at the end of the tunnel.  It certainly is tough while we are in the process of rebooting, but as many have reported in their success stories, the benefits at the other end  -- which are often much more substantial than anticipated -- will far outweigh the temporary suffering.

 

[Secondhalf]

Thanks brother!

 

[Fappy]

The part of our brain that craves that dopamine spike us a difficult monster to kill. It certainly wont go down without a fight. The method through which to kill it is through starvation. Its slow and messy but its the only way.
As others have said the reward is so great! Itll make all those horrible withdrawal afflicted days worthwhile. And that part of us thats caused us so much grief will be dead!
Stat patient and keep your eyes on the prize!

Fap the Demon Slayer