For those who have severly hurt their wife/partner

[Hoopdogg]

How have you started the conversation with your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend?

My wife and I are still separated, it has been almost 3 months.  She's disgusted at me, she isn't open right now to reconcile.  We have two children and I want to start the healing process.  She is a very devout and Christ loving woman, and much better of a woman than I ever deserved to be with while having this addiction.

Does anyone have any advice or success stories?

 

[Mbg]

My wife and I don't share the same religious relationship with a god that you and your wife do, but you and I both want the same thing: to repair the damage we have done in our addiction.  I believe this starts with repairing the damage we have done to ourselves.  Have you looked into a 12 step group for sex addicts?  There are also groups for the dependents of sex addicts (COSA is one such group).  I attend sex addicts anonymous meetings twice a week and it has changed my life. 

 

[Chaos Mind]

Hi Hoopdogg,

I am sorry to say that, but whenever someone takes religious thoughts and dogma too serious, things like this can happen. Being a Christian to me is deeply connected with how I treat my fellow men and women instead of how I behave and what dubious traditions I am supposed to follow. Surely what you did must appear sinful to her, but you know better. I've read of so much understanding, loving and caring for partners who have become addicted and are fighting against it - here in this very forum! So I know it IS possible to get along and to stick together while fighting, but it's nothing someone could take for granted.

But even apart from religious reasons you need to understand that her reaction is also natural. The damage is done and she's made a decision to leave - for now? Anyway: as long as you cannot change anything about the situation, I strongly suggest you change perspective and look to your INSIDE. Before you'll have a chance to get her back, you need to settle things for yourself. Her reaction was the most extreme she could ever show. But people acting like this usually tend to do it in both directions. If I were you, I would not give up hope too soon. But it is definitively more than just a warning. Something has to change and she's the one who made that clear. Respect her decision and take it as an opportunity to change! And then...let's see how you can win her back eventually.

 

[challenged]

It is pretty basic Christian doctrine that indulging in pornography is sinful.  Whether a husband and wife who are Christian should separate over this issue, and whether and when there should be forgiveness and reconciliation in a Christ-centered relationship, and generally how the matter should be handled in the context of a particular relationship between two specific individuals are different issues, but my point is that the OP's wife is not at all crazy or a religious nut because she considers porn use by a spouse to be a sinful.  Just sayin' 

 

[Gracie]

First, I want to say it is possible to repair the relationship.  It takes a lot of communication with each other.  It takes both making a huge commitment to the changes necessary to re-establish trust and security.  As always, I recommend the book "Love you, hate the porn"  There is a blog by the same name.  Mark Chamberlain is the name associated with both these.  They address the addict as well as the partner.  These things literally changed and save our marriage.  They gave both of us hope.

We are closer now than we ever were before.  But it was not without its ups and downs.  Good luck. 

 

[Hoopdogg]

Thanks everyone.  Yes, I do attend SAA meetings in my city.  I try to go twice a week and have made some strong friendship of people who suffer with me.

I am in no way giving up hope.  I know I hurt her.  Thanks for the suggestion on the books too!!