ready2go
Active Member
This is also the first page of my journal found in 40 and up.
I discovered this site, this process, and this whole community last night on a Craigslist post, as I'm getting prepared to leave home and go on some sort of undefined journey of exploration and recovery. Seriously. Had enough, up to here, ready to do something different, and I didn't know what. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there. Just that it is time to leave this. I have a big house, lots of material stuff, and a great career. So why would I leave? I'm done. Suicide has been on my mind frequently. So rather than wake up dead here, I figured I'd give another life a chance. Because oddly, and maybe some of you will get this, I don't really want to be dead because I love life, but I just can't take this any more. Antidepressants are not a solution, counseling again isn't for me, and so maybe that was just the end of a life otherwise well lived. But wait! I see this website and suddenly I'm thinking there is something going on I never even could have imagined.
My PMOing has been going on as long as I can remember. As a young teen, my dad would leave out porn novels around his bedroom, and I'd pick them up and MO for hours, then sneak the book back before being discovered. Then there were the porn theaters. I'd go in there and watch and PMO and sometimes more. The day my brother died, to escape, later that day, there I was, in the theater PMOing into the late night. Finally, VHS kept me out of those sordid places and I could take care of business in the privacy of my house without all the seediness. Yeah there some tapes I liked better than others, but I was always looking for something better and more exciting. The old internet and chat rooms had tons of stimulating pictures and convos, which took care of my needs for years. Then the high speed internet, porn movie sites, and I've been there ever since. Married over 20 years, my wife has never complained, but my boner disappeared many years ago. I am pretty sure it was after high speed internet though. Tapes never seemed to affect that. The Viagra was helpful for awhile, the Levitra better, the Cialis never worked. Then those stopped working and now the only bones I ever get are watching porn on the net, and even those bones aren't much. What I have sought out seems increasingly bizarre and unusual, and I can't even believe after Oing that I even got off to that shit. Crazy! I do like having sex with men but haven't been able to get it up for them either, and since I'm not in the receptive end of that, it has been a pretty useless pursuit. I came across a potential male partner last year who told me he never watched porn. That amazed me. I don't think I know any men who have sex with men who don't watch tons of it. He is different. We haven't had sex but we have an attraction that may take us there one day. So having decided to leave home and see what the world has to offer for a burned out dude without even so much as a boner to sport and enjoy, I came across a note about this on CL last night. As soon as I saw it, it was like ..."oh fuck". I knew. So today starts a new journey I hadn't anticipated or even thought about.
So you know what's weird? Last night in my sleep I was awakened four times by having erections. I NEVER get erections in my sleep I'm aware of. And I can't really remember the last morning wood. I've been on this site for hours today reading through all the posts and stories. Watching the videos. Seriously, I never even had the remotest inkling that porn could be the root of all this. Yet, there it is. Now that I see it, how can I avoid dealing with it?
Wish me luck guys. Thanks for being here. I'm glad to join your numbers, which amazingly seem to be huge.
With love.
I discovered this site, this process, and this whole community last night on a Craigslist post, as I'm getting prepared to leave home and go on some sort of undefined journey of exploration and recovery. Seriously. Had enough, up to here, ready to do something different, and I didn't know what. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there. Just that it is time to leave this. I have a big house, lots of material stuff, and a great career. So why would I leave? I'm done. Suicide has been on my mind frequently. So rather than wake up dead here, I figured I'd give another life a chance. Because oddly, and maybe some of you will get this, I don't really want to be dead because I love life, but I just can't take this any more. Antidepressants are not a solution, counseling again isn't for me, and so maybe that was just the end of a life otherwise well lived. But wait! I see this website and suddenly I'm thinking there is something going on I never even could have imagined.
My PMOing has been going on as long as I can remember. As a young teen, my dad would leave out porn novels around his bedroom, and I'd pick them up and MO for hours, then sneak the book back before being discovered. Then there were the porn theaters. I'd go in there and watch and PMO and sometimes more. The day my brother died, to escape, later that day, there I was, in the theater PMOing into the late night. Finally, VHS kept me out of those sordid places and I could take care of business in the privacy of my house without all the seediness. Yeah there some tapes I liked better than others, but I was always looking for something better and more exciting. The old internet and chat rooms had tons of stimulating pictures and convos, which took care of my needs for years. Then the high speed internet, porn movie sites, and I've been there ever since. Married over 20 years, my wife has never complained, but my boner disappeared many years ago. I am pretty sure it was after high speed internet though. Tapes never seemed to affect that. The Viagra was helpful for awhile, the Levitra better, the Cialis never worked. Then those stopped working and now the only bones I ever get are watching porn on the net, and even those bones aren't much. What I have sought out seems increasingly bizarre and unusual, and I can't even believe after Oing that I even got off to that shit. Crazy! I do like having sex with men but haven't been able to get it up for them either, and since I'm not in the receptive end of that, it has been a pretty useless pursuit. I came across a potential male partner last year who told me he never watched porn. That amazed me. I don't think I know any men who have sex with men who don't watch tons of it. He is different. We haven't had sex but we have an attraction that may take us there one day. So having decided to leave home and see what the world has to offer for a burned out dude without even so much as a boner to sport and enjoy, I came across a note about this on CL last night. As soon as I saw it, it was like ..."oh fuck". I knew. So today starts a new journey I hadn't anticipated or even thought about.
So you know what's weird? Last night in my sleep I was awakened four times by having erections. I NEVER get erections in my sleep I'm aware of. And I can't really remember the last morning wood. I've been on this site for hours today reading through all the posts and stories. Watching the videos. Seriously, I never even had the remotest inkling that porn could be the root of all this. Yet, there it is. Now that I see it, how can I avoid dealing with it?
Wish me luck guys. Thanks for being here. I'm glad to join your numbers, which amazingly seem to be huge.
With love.
