Hey tohell,
I go to SLAA meetings and it's very, very helpful and empowering to know there are others that we can talk to and relate to.
As for getting your freaking life back, I totally get it. But I think it helps to look at the embarking of a new life rather than trying to fully reclaim the old. Most of us are here because we realize the old life wasn't serving us very well. Hopefully, you come out of this with more clarity, more of a sense of wellness, and more hope.
Withdrawal can create a lot of side effects, for sure. Some of it is chemical, some of it is simply dealing with reality for the first time in a long time. We addicts bury our feelings and coping skills and have chosen instead - for years or decades - to escape into a fantasy world, be it in our heads or on our laptops. Suddenly choosing to leave that behind and face life - people, work, bills, realities - is harsh, and hard to navigate.
Cut yourself some slack, and by that I don't mean just watch a "little porn." I mean be gentle with yourself as your body and brain backlash at you a bit. It's your addiction thrashing about. It's used to running around your mind at will and you've just put it in four-point restraint. The stages are different for all of us, but this sounds quite on par with what a lot of guys go through.
I try to tell myself anytime I feel the itch and fight it, I've trained my addiction, like dog training almost. Eventually, the new behaviors get engrained and replace the old, and the new ones start to feel good - even better - than the ones we'd been craving.
I keep telling myself that integrity must feel better than a cheap thrill. There will be days when that seems very unlikely, but it's the truth that I am holding onto.
Find your truth and hold onto it like a mantra. Come back here and check in. There will always be someone on here whose story feels like it parallels yours enough for you to relate.
We're all on different roads, but they are paths that all lead to a common destination.
Keep coming back. Stay vigilant
