Giving This My Best

[zarthustra]

I'm using this to log my progress on this journey, which I hope will be the bridge to a truly healthy and happy long term relationship that includes great sex.

I began January with a plan to abstain from porn and orgasm.  I have not O'ed since sometime in December.  During these past few weeks, I viewed some pornographic pics on a couple of occasions, and then I did watch some videos a few days ago when I was especially down.  I didn't even get very aroused, so it wasn't super difficult to not O.

Last evening, I had a date with a new lady, Kathy.  We've had a few previous dates.  Last evening, at the end of the evening, we began kissing for about 8 minutes or so, but it stopped there and I went home.  That was because I knew by my low arousal level that sex would not likely work out very well.  Not a good feelling!

This is my motivation for giving my best effort to this journey.  I want to see if I can restore myself to functioning well sexually, in a positive relationship.  As it stands right now, I have my doubts, but I am determined to do what I can do. 

Now I am resolved to go with no porn, masturbation, or orgasm (without a partner) for at least 90 days, and see where I am at from there.  I plan to stop looking for a partner for these 90 days, so it will likely be no PMO.

 

[Dharmabum]

Welcome, Zarthustra.

It's a challenge, but it can be done, as many here will attest!  And trust me, as someone on the same journey, it's been worth it so far. 

Post here often, and post on other people's journals when you can as well.  Supporting each other creates energy and strength for you and those you cheer on.  You'd be surprised how helpful it is to have someone to come each day and share your journey. 

Look forward to yours, and wish you the best!

 

[ready2go]

That's an awesome commitment Zarathustra.  We all are here to support you and hold you up if you feel weak in any way, especially ways that might lead you to take refuge in porn, which as we're learning is really no refuge at all but just a swamp fully of alligators and mosquitos.  Hummm I wonder where that analogy came from.  Anyhow, we also need you to help hold us up when we're teetering and to share in our successes.  Welcome! 

 

[zarthustra]

Thanks for the encouragement, Ready2go and Dharmabum, I appreciate it!

I'm still on track with no PMO or edging since the 19th of January.

Also, no O since December.

***

Everyone's situation can be a little different here.  Here's a little more about my challenge.

My main goal is to have a healthy sex drive, and be able to perform well sexually with a partner.  My issue is a little more complicated than just impairment from porn, though I believe that porn and masterbation have definitely exacerbated my problem, and that's why I'm done with PMO.

I was depressed a lot in my twenties, and didn't have sex until 32.  I've had a few relationships, mostly in my thirties, but never married.  I haven't really gotten comfortable and relaxed with being sexual with a woman.  At best, I am functional.  But never super turned on and easily maintaining my hardness.  It's like my level of emotional arousal and physical hardness is not what it needs to be for it to be carefree and fun and enjoyable. 

So now I am really going to give this project my very best.  Abstaining from PMO is only part of the whole program.  We'll see how it goes, but my suspicion is that even after 3 or 4 months or more of no PMO, and I am still going to have suboptimal capacity to be emotionally and physically turned on with a woman. 

So I am also learning about tantra, tao, and other systems for cultivating healthy sexual energy.  Another subject I'm learning about is karezza, which is based upon a man abstaining from orgasm during intercourse.

The emphasis, though, for first 90 days (until April or May) is no PMO.  I am mentioning these other concerns, so if anyone else out there has tips or info on building positive sexual energy, I am all ears. 

 

[Dharmabum]

I've heard about all of those programs/opportunities around sexual energy but never consciously sought them out.  From what I've experienced, it's good to explore positive potential solutions, but don't try to 'drink from a fire hose' by trying too many things at once.  We can get overwhelmed and anxious by trying "every pill on the shelf" so to speak as we look for our miracle cure.

The main cure is time and the right set of behaviors over the course of that time.  And if you find a tool that serves you well along the way, take advantage of it.  But when I went through my worst spell of PMO-related ED years ago, I was so panicked, I tried everything from hypnosis to therapy to Viagra to sex toys.  I was in a panic, and a panic is never gonna help in that department.  It's about confidence and connection, and it took me a long time to get there.  And then when I got there, I let my addictions back in the back door, and had to rebuild yet again.

So, learn from the mistakes of others (in this case, me).  take your time on the journey, and give whatever solutions you find time to have an effect.  If they aren't' working and you want to try something else, transition to that.  Just don't make it such a complicated ritual of 12 different things that success means striking just the right balance of 12 different ingredients.  It's too much pressure, and pressure is not our friend in this department. 

Hang in there.  Keep going.  And be patient.  You're already doing great.

 

[zarthustra]

Thanks for that feedback Dharmabum.  I agree, to a point.  If I feel in danger of slipping into PMO, then I would switch all attention from developing healthy sexual energy, and just do no PMO. 

But because I believe my problem is not classic PIED, I am interested to begin learning and possibly doing practices to foster healthy sexual energy. 

Today, I saw a random porn image by accident, and, I didn't focus on it or even get arousal from it.  Isn't that atypical?   

And in the past when I have attempted no PMO for a period of weeks, when I relapsed, it wasn't even all that pleasurable!  Meaning I didn't get super aroused. 

This is gonna be a journey, but I am going to give it my all.  It's my Holy Grail.  So if anyone has experience, tips, or similar interest (in developing healthy sexual energy by mean other than abstinence from PMO), PLEASE drop me a note so we can support each other, share what are learning that works, etc. 

 

[Phase2]

During these past few weeks, I viewed some pornographic pics on a couple of occasions, and then I did watch some videos a few days ago when I was especially down.  I didn't even get very aroused, so it wasn't super difficult to not O.

Glad you are here Z. I recommend using K9 the porn blocker. Having occasional 'peeks' at porn are not going to do you any good. Eventually they will lead you to more looks and down the porn path. But even small doses reinforce old bad brain pathways. You need a long period of time when your brain is completely at rest and you are not seeing any of these kinds of images.

K9 is free and provides a low fence for you climb over before you 'accidentally' see the wrong images. It isn't perfect, but it helps. I wish you great success. And I encourage you to Use all the tools you can to achieve it.

 

[zarthustra]

Congratulations Phase 2, on achieving your goal of 60 days!!!  Well done.

Thanks for your comments.

I'm going to go ahead and install K9, just as an added precaution.  Can't hurt.  Anyhow, my mindset is no more porn, at all, ever, regardless of how well I think I am doing, even 10 years from now.  Because I am committed to having great sex with the woman I am with in real life, and I know that porn is detrimental to that. 

Thanks for the encouragement and the suggestion.

 

[Dharmabum]

This last exchange between Phase2 and Zarthustra is perfect in my eyes, guys.  I'm no expert, but it sounds like a great formula for continued success.  I wish all of us well! 

 

[lyon03]

"Anyhow, my mindset is no more porn, at all, ever, regardless of how well I think I am doing, even 10 years from now." Couldn't agree with you more! The moment you determine, as I did, that porn is no longer an option, that's when your real reboot starts. You're off to a great start brother. I look forward to following your journey.

 

[Poker]

Great job brother....  You're going to find changes and improvements in other area's of your life too...

Cheers,

p.