Help needed for start of reboot

[AlexC83]

I came across the notion of rebooting some months ago after I PMO'd days after my return from honeymoon with my new wife. I couldn't understand why, at that point, I just HAD to PMO. I'm completely in love with her. She's the only one for me. Yet, I couldn't resist the temptation even though I knew that as a married man, secretive (and excessive) porn use couldn't be a good thing. It was at that point I learnt about my probable porn addiction (after discovering yourbrainonporn). And I thought it was a real turning point. Sadly it wasn't.

Over the months since I've tried to reboot numerous times but haven't been able to resist the urge to fap, which inevitably leads to PMO and then another attempt to reboot.

But I'm now at a critical point and really need help to stick with it. My wife has mentioned the idea of having kids (which I'd want too) and there have been a couple of times where she's asked me to O during sex. Problem is, my secret porn addiction means I've suffered from DE my whole life (and seemingly had undiagnosed PIED before meeting my wife). She doesn't know any of this, of course.

Anyway, despite knowing all this, I PMO'd earlier today. I'm exhausted from the internal conflict I'm constantly putting myself through. I thought the discovery of learning about my likely porn addiction those months ago would change things. If anything, I feel worse, as I know all I need to do is give my brain a rest and I should be fine. But I can't seem to do it.

This is the first time I've registered on a forum or anything. And I'd just like to know if anyone has any advice or support they can give me.

Thanks
Alex

Ps I've always tried to do the 90-day reboot to be timed with memorable dates. This isn't one. So if anyone has any suggestions for how I can make sure I don't 'forget' I'm on a reboot, let me know.

 

[benhj]

Hey Alex, welcome to the forums You're in a good place man and know that we can help each other kick this stuff. Its bloody difficult I know, which is why I believe we need to do it just one day at a time, sometimes even just one hour at a time. I related to everything you said. In particular, the knowing about stuff. I could be an expert on addictions. I'm not, but even if I were, it wouldn't make a spot of difference because once that obsession kicks in, there's nothing stopping me..

What we need then is something to replace those old habits. Replace them with new ones. Do things you like -- play a game with your wife or catch a movie with her, maybe play some music or read a book etc. I also try and get out a bit more because PMOing in front of the computer is one of the most isolating things that I can do. With isolation comes more isolation and the stress that goes with it. Then we get in to the cycle of porn --> guilt --> depression --> porn --> guilt.. etc. And it becomes so difficult to break out of. So get out, go for a walk, maybe take up some exercise.

Also, don't be so hard on yourself. Porn is like an allergy to us porn users. We just can't look at the stuff; we have an abnormal reaction to it. Even one toe over the cliff and we still hit the bottom..

Keep coming back

 

[pinkerton]

Welcome and congrats for your recent marriage. I'm married as well and that can help us in some ways. For one thing you have less privacy which makes it much more inconvenient to act out. For another, you have added motivation and a live-in reminder that your life can and will be so much better without PMO.
And like benhj said, don't be too hard on yourself. Guilt and remorse hold us down more than help us up. You know you want to change and are taking great steps to do so. That's great. Keep it up.
  Wish I had more advice on the 'how' of staying clean but I'm not that wise. Keep coming back, don't entertain any of those nasty thoughts we all get, and read the stories of others.

 

[AlexC83]

Thanks for the support so far. One thing which has stuck in my head right away is the 'do it just one day at a time'. Previously I'd only had the 90-day end date in my head. And it inevitably led me to give in, as it seemed too far away.

So, at the moment, I'm concentrating on telling myself 'just get to day X' (where X is the next day). I've obviously only been doing it a couple of days now. But it does seem to have placed my focus on doing something positive (getting to the next day) rather than giving up something (PMO).

The additional challenge I face, though, is that I work from home for half of the week. So, although I note your thoughts about getting out and doing things, isolation is inevitable. I'm hopeful at the moment, though.

 

[benhj]

Good stuff man. I reckon that focusing on short periods of sobriety is definitely helpful. Somebody once told me that if I take care of today, tomorrow will take care of itself. Keep coming back

 

[AlexC83]

Checking in after a long time of not. Sticking to focusing on today, each and every day, so far. And it's a case of so far so good.

But I've come back to this journal today as the last 24 hours or so have been harder. Had a social event with the wife on Saturday night, with plenty of alcohol flowing. Anyway, my brain has been going into overdrive since. But I recognise why. It's the lazy remnants of a hangover as much as anything. So I've just accepted those crazy thoughts which have kept cropping in. And tried to focus on getting to the next day (which is all I've focused on doing so far). Felt like the need to share it though, just to keep any lazy temptation at bay.

Now, just need to get to tomorrow...

 

[ominoreeg]

Hang in there Alex, keep up the good work. I fully recognize those moments. Being hungover, or sleep deprived, is when I struggle the most. Don't give in: it gives so much strength.

 

[benhj]

Good stuff Alex! I totally relate to how alcohol can be a trigger. I'm trying to cut down on the beer lately and it's been a definite help! Keep coming back, and like you say, keep it in the day today!