another future success story

[tscooter]

Day 4...So I decided that journaling, which I have never tried before, may be another key in beating this thing for good. I've also never really dug into the science behind the addiction, so I'm banking partially on the idea that knowledge is power.

A quick snapshot of my story...I'm 32, a Christian and married to a wife I love tremendously. In fact, she is the only woman I've ever been with physically and we've been together since I was 16.

I started with MO somewhere in the 9-10 range. Started with catalogs, and expanded to include magazine ads, and a porn mag or two through high school. Fortunately I didn't get into internet porn until 19. I had a laptop for college and started very slow (we had dial up). Into my adult years it escalated very slowly, but steadily.

My wife never had a clue.

In 2008, I had a breakdown of sorts when a bunch of things came to a head. I confessed it to her (she was devastated), we gave our lives to God and I experienced organic freedom from PMO with the life I always wanted. It really was a great feeling. I was basically clean for over a year or so (I wasn't counting, just living my life minus PMO)

Somehow over time I got lazy, careless, distracted, etc and started giving in to the temptations again. Over the last few years I have been trying to appease it and keep it moderate. That hasn't worked. It had evolved to 1-2 times a day and any other time that I found myself alone. I would PMO in the morning and I had found a way to make it happen on my lunch break.

No PIED, no lack of interest in my wife. I actually sought out women that reminded me of her. But was heavy into amateur women and lesbians. After my tastes continued to morph, I finally decided I can't keep letting this thing continue anymore. I want the life back that I remember.

My biggest issue is that I want to beat this thing the right way. I'm doing the reboot, praying and seeking God's help. For me, getting rid of my smartphone is not a practical option, and there will always be a source of temptation and access (I've even used our blu ray player and wii). I want to be able to say no on a consistent basis even when the opportunity is there.

I really appreciate the information on these sites. And I'm excited to start this journey.

 

[fapfreezone]

Well, this is basic advice, but maybe you're not familiar with it. Meditation, cold showers and exercise all help. For more advice, keep searching the site a bit more each day (there's a lot of material to get through) and also, perhaps see my reply in Tom's Journal. It's the best advice I know of that's not currently on YBOP.

EDIT: when I wrote this, I meant that it was the best advice that I could give that's not currently on YBOP!

 

[tscooter]

Thanks fapfreezone. I love the information overload because it gives me a chance to search for new information when I would otherwise be searching for P.

I'm starting to develop this pattern of going to this site or ybop first, without thinking, when I would normally go browsing. It doesn't take long to remember all the reasons why this is worth the struggle. Then I can shift over to the Bible and prayer. I would eventually love to be away from a screen more altogether, but I'll take it one step at a time.

Had some intimacy with my wife last night. I wasn't really up for anything at first (flatline), which is very unusual for me. Usually I'm begging her for it from being all amped up via P. Anyway it was great. I had an O. I'm just not seeing that as a problem at all for me. Although I did wake up with a stronger urge than usual...guessing this is the "chaser" effect. I want to read more about that.

Anyway, here's to another successful day, gentlemen!

Here's a verse that came to mind for my fellow married guys

Proverbs 5:18-19 NKJV. ...and rejoice with the wife of your youth...Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love.

 

[tscooter]

Romans 6:20-21 NIV

"When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!"


So yes, the chaser effect seemed to be in operation yesterday. Spent a little more time thinking about the whole battle throughout the day (and my wife from the night before). Still, no P or M or O yesterday and I started reading a 40-day New Testament devotional over the course of the lent season. I'm not Catholic, and I've never really done lent before, but this is great timing.

So reading about the chaser thing yesterday was sobering. One of my struggles has always been that one O fuels the next one. Its pathetic to say, but I think that dealing with this effect is simply what self control looks like! I will always have to resist the urge to PMO when it comes, no matter what I did the day before. Some days may be harder than others but I have to get used to saying no to that desire.

In the distant and not so distant past, I obeyed it like a slave. But no more!

 

[tscooter]

Thankful to have another day without PMO in my life!

My work week usually peaks on Wednesday or Thursday with stress and busyness. Friday is usually pretty quiet and I would consistently let my guards down and end up on the old PMO as a "reward" after the stress. What a joke! I would waste so much time looking at P on my phone and not getting anything done. I would sometimes open a bunch of tabs and then go PMO in my car somewhere remote before going home...usually in a weird post PMO funk. How pathetic! So so so thankful to be on here instead (still not working much, but hey I'll get there). A much better way to start the weekend

Closing in on a week now...what a change! Symptoms are pretty minor so far. Hope it stays that way.

 

[tscooter]

Man, it does get hard sometimes when PMO is not an option. It did seem like triggers were a little more tempting yesterday and this morning. My dope-starved brain is looking for anything to lock onto.

Example - I found myself fixed on the wrong parts of a cute TV anchor and getting that feeling. So I flip over to the weather channel and before I know it, I'm mentally undressing the girl on there! TWC never used to be a trigger. Anyway, my son woke up and we're watching old Looney Tunes now...crisis averted!

 

[tscooter]

So, I ended up going MO yesterday. Not really sure why...it wasn't like I was so tempted I just had to do it. I think I had mentally conceded that I would need to, and so I just went and did it. My wife was wearing my favorite jeans and I couldnt take my eyes off her. And she was all I thought about. All things considered, I don't consider this a defeat. P was and is my enemy and the focus of this reboot. I am going to be vigilant to stay off the MO son as to keep P in the past.

All that said, I ended up getting lucky last night, unexpectedly. That made 2 in 1 day...not a good sign for rebooting.

Wife and kids left this morning to run a couple errands and there I was home alone. Time on my hands along with chaser thoughts/symptoms. I basically assumed I would MO again and get in down the road. Somehow, I managed to get on the forum, read a couple of news articles and jumped in the shower and I was totally fine!

May not seem like it, but this was a big deal. Normally this is a perfect storm for PMO. Grateful for a win! On to another day!!!

 

[tscooter]

Whoa...rough day again...had to resort to MO again. Kind of a perfect storm. Didn't sleep much at all, woke up with MW alarm went off, very tired and boom there's a half naked hottie walking around in my TV. If any of those factors were not present, it probably would have not been a problem. Anyway, no P involved so I still do t consider it a relapse, but a great learning opportunity.

Overall, after 10+ days now I've seen no P and had 4 O's. A typical 10 day stretch would have included 10-15 ..almost all PMO. I have room to improve, but I'll take it. Off to work, gearing up for another day.

 

[tscooter]

Another day without PMO! I have a lot of meetings this week at work, and I'm still pretty timid (part of my personality) but I do feel a budding sense of self confidence returning. I'm replacing time spent surfing for porn, with reading the Bible. Talk about a night and day difference in brain food! It feels so great to be able to enjoy reading scripture without the sense of guilt looming over my shoulder.

I'm finding that the guilty feelings were never really heard toward what I had done, but more toward what I was going to do. When I conceded defeat to the addiction, it was like a piece of my vitality went dormant.

Now that I have taken that back, even if I should fail, I'm not allowing a pattern of PMO to take hold in my life again. That said, i pray that I never look at porn for the rest of my life. The goal is no relapse!

 

[pinkerton]

Good work staying off the P. Keep coming back ?

 

[tscooter]

Well I feel like an idiot.

Totally went PMO today. What can I say?

I'm gonna try to make lemonade out of this and figure out how to keep it from happening again.

I was in a weak state. Headache. Lack of sleep. Bad mood.

Then, I came across a serious trigger. On Facebook of all places. But there was a photo of a once fetishized body part. I removed it from my news feed, but couldn't get it out of my head. Then, stupidly, I went to make sure my old flickr account was deleted (playing with fire). It took only one click to reactivate the whole thing

The rest was history.

I HAVE to figure out how to handle this trigger the next time I see it. If anyone has ideas on how to take a really potent trigger and neutralize it, I am all ears. Unfortunately, it's not a bare naked vagina. That would be easy to avoid.


1 Corinthians 10:12

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.

 

[Fallen]

I'm sorry for your relapse tscooter. I'm praying that you won't descend into self-loathing, but know that you are forgiven & be at peace.

 

[tscooter]

Thanks man. I sincerely appreciate the support. No time for self loathing. I'm pressing on, but I have to learn from this in order to avoid it next time. Don't let your guard down! A good morning, will not always mean a good afternoon.

Be sober....be vigilant...

 

[pinkerton]

Hey I feel for ya. The same thing has happened to me before. Strange how some things have such a powerful effect on us isn't it? Seems like you're dealing with it right, trying to learn from it. For me, besides just trying to push those triggering thoughts or whatever away, I've also been trying to remove the sexual connotations from them. So while they are occupying head space they aren't as tempting.  Like think of things from a scientific point of view, or any way that is non sexual.  Good luck. And keep coming back.

 

[tscooter]

So I'm still here. Don't have the time for a long post, but I just went through about a 36 hour period of the old life. It was weird because I saw the negative impact it had on my day so clearly. I really was not the same guy.

Basically an account that I had was deleted, but not completely. It was way too easy to reactivate the thing. So when I fell to temptation once, I was able to bring back the whole stash. This time I deleted ALL of the content itself as well as the account. There is no way to get it back now. That said weird feeling itself, but a good one. I feel like Tom Hanks on Cast away when he gets past the breakers and starts drifting away from the island.

There are probably a lot of metaphors with that movie that are worth thinking about as it pertains to getting over PMO addiction.

 

[pinkerton]

That sounds very similar to what I did last time.  Glad you decided to leave it behind. Hope for both of us that we don't give up before they find our raft. Trying to fit Wilson into the metaphor but can't figure it out yet. ?