Dear Penthouse,
I never thought I'd be writing a letter like this, but something happened the other day, and I just had to let you know. I'm an attractive, 45 year old, powerful man, with 9" of man meat...
Ok, enough of that. I have a weird sense of humor, and somehow, starting with mocking the old "Penthouse Forum" seemed appropriate, because, let's face it, for guys of a certain age, it wasn't just the pictures, it was the "true" stories that got our attention with hard-core pornography. It seemed oh-so-innocent at the time. Just a bit of fun. But I think I read my first stories in Forum when I was about 12 years old. My friend Rover (yes, that's actually his middle name, much to his dismay,) stole a couple of issues from his dad's stash. After that, any time I was presented with porn, particularly something that could help my fantasy life along, I chose it.
I'm new to this idea - I have ED, and have been unable to get it up for about three or four years, with multiple partners. I'm also diabetic, a heavy smoker, and use booze sometimes. I have an extremely high stress job (I'm responsible for a group of 40+ people in a highly competitive industry.) Obviously, any one of these things can lead to ED, so that's the avenue I pursued.
I've been to a couple of doctors, tried quitting the alcohol completely, and the smokes (gave 'em both up with very little trouble, although I did start smoking again,) and my diabetes is under control. I even reduced my stress. I've tried all of the ED drugs (Cialis, Lavitra, Viagra and that newer one that starts with an S.) Still absolutely NO function with women, no matter how attractive, or how much I like them.
I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me, and neither could my doctors. In fact, they're totally boggled, because while my testosterone is low, all the other indicators say I shouldn't have this problem.
For the better part of the last two or three years, I've been with four of five women, and every time it got intimate, the only response I could get out of my member is if I thought about some sort of extreme porn (slutty behavior, lesbians, humiliation, double penetrations, gangbangs, etc.) and even then, I'd get half hard. Needless to say, when you're just starting a relationship, particularly with a woman who wants to have kids, this isn't going to work.
I've always been a very respectful, gentle, sensual man, and only once did I act out on my fantasies (this was about two years ago, when I was with a woman who I had absolutely no respect for, and decided to see what would happen.) After that experience (no, I didn't hurt her, slap her, etc. I just treated her "like the slut she is," and "pushed her boundaries," just like my porn favorites were doing,) I decided that was a bad idea because I felt like I needed to take a shower. The sad thing is, she wanted to come back for Round 2 about a week later... I should have seen something there in my selection behavior with the women I had been choosing.
Of course, that didn't stop my porn usage. In fact, it probably accelerated it. I stopped wasting my time trying to jerk off without looking at something, or reading some hardcore stories involving extreme fantasies. I constrained my activities to masturbating and getting more and more angry. I actually stumbled across the various sites referenced here by googling "does porn cause ED" because I read something that said porn could be an addiction.
This was two days ago. I stopped fapping, and looking at porn, just to see what would happen.
WOW! WITHDRAWL LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE! Irritability, the shakes, anxiety attacks, etc. almost immediately (within about 18 hours.) It was identical to the withdrawal I have when I get off cigarettes.
This got me thinking, and I've been doing a lot of evaluating in the last 24 hours, because if I'm going to beat this, I need to understand what happened to identify my triggers, and how I got here. I have to understand WHY I got into behaviors I found repulsive at the start.
I think, for me, there's a lot of history here, and a lot of unresolved issues with people in general that I'm going to need some professional help to deal with. I suspect for a lot of us older guys, our porn use at least accelerated because of these problems, and based on some of the posts I've read on this forum, reboot difficulty is because there's a starting point that needs to be dealt with. Trauma comes in all forms and features, and it doesn't mean sexual abuse exclusively. In my case, I think it was rejection, reinforced by unhealthy coping mechanisms.
But I'm pretty much convinced I'm addicted to porn. THAT part doesn't involve how I got here, or when I started. THAT part I can stop, so I am. I think, along the way, writing some of this down, and sharing it with people anonymously will help at least with the anger, the anxiety and all the other stuff, and give me an outlet. I may keep it up (pardon the pun) and I may not. If you'd like to comment or follow along and maybe share your own stories, that's cool too. But please don't tell me to "Hang in there! You'll beat this!" That just annoys me because there's no investment in it. It's a written form of masturbation, which is what we're trying to avoid.
So to close....
Dear, Penthouse. I never thought I'd be writing a letter like this. I'm a 45 year old man and a porn addict. My member doesn't work, I'm angry all the time, and I want this BS to stop. I know this isn't your fault, because you didn't force me to read/buy/whatever what you're peddling, but I just wanted to tell you something. I'm done with you.
I never thought I'd be writing a letter like this, but something happened the other day, and I just had to let you know. I'm an attractive, 45 year old, powerful man, with 9" of man meat...
Ok, enough of that. I have a weird sense of humor, and somehow, starting with mocking the old "Penthouse Forum" seemed appropriate, because, let's face it, for guys of a certain age, it wasn't just the pictures, it was the "true" stories that got our attention with hard-core pornography. It seemed oh-so-innocent at the time. Just a bit of fun. But I think I read my first stories in Forum when I was about 12 years old. My friend Rover (yes, that's actually his middle name, much to his dismay,) stole a couple of issues from his dad's stash. After that, any time I was presented with porn, particularly something that could help my fantasy life along, I chose it.
I'm new to this idea - I have ED, and have been unable to get it up for about three or four years, with multiple partners. I'm also diabetic, a heavy smoker, and use booze sometimes. I have an extremely high stress job (I'm responsible for a group of 40+ people in a highly competitive industry.) Obviously, any one of these things can lead to ED, so that's the avenue I pursued.
I've been to a couple of doctors, tried quitting the alcohol completely, and the smokes (gave 'em both up with very little trouble, although I did start smoking again,) and my diabetes is under control. I even reduced my stress. I've tried all of the ED drugs (Cialis, Lavitra, Viagra and that newer one that starts with an S.) Still absolutely NO function with women, no matter how attractive, or how much I like them.
I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me, and neither could my doctors. In fact, they're totally boggled, because while my testosterone is low, all the other indicators say I shouldn't have this problem.
For the better part of the last two or three years, I've been with four of five women, and every time it got intimate, the only response I could get out of my member is if I thought about some sort of extreme porn (slutty behavior, lesbians, humiliation, double penetrations, gangbangs, etc.) and even then, I'd get half hard. Needless to say, when you're just starting a relationship, particularly with a woman who wants to have kids, this isn't going to work.
I've always been a very respectful, gentle, sensual man, and only once did I act out on my fantasies (this was about two years ago, when I was with a woman who I had absolutely no respect for, and decided to see what would happen.) After that experience (no, I didn't hurt her, slap her, etc. I just treated her "like the slut she is," and "pushed her boundaries," just like my porn favorites were doing,) I decided that was a bad idea because I felt like I needed to take a shower. The sad thing is, she wanted to come back for Round 2 about a week later... I should have seen something there in my selection behavior with the women I had been choosing.
Of course, that didn't stop my porn usage. In fact, it probably accelerated it. I stopped wasting my time trying to jerk off without looking at something, or reading some hardcore stories involving extreme fantasies. I constrained my activities to masturbating and getting more and more angry. I actually stumbled across the various sites referenced here by googling "does porn cause ED" because I read something that said porn could be an addiction.
This was two days ago. I stopped fapping, and looking at porn, just to see what would happen.
WOW! WITHDRAWL LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE! Irritability, the shakes, anxiety attacks, etc. almost immediately (within about 18 hours.) It was identical to the withdrawal I have when I get off cigarettes.
This got me thinking, and I've been doing a lot of evaluating in the last 24 hours, because if I'm going to beat this, I need to understand what happened to identify my triggers, and how I got here. I have to understand WHY I got into behaviors I found repulsive at the start.
I think, for me, there's a lot of history here, and a lot of unresolved issues with people in general that I'm going to need some professional help to deal with. I suspect for a lot of us older guys, our porn use at least accelerated because of these problems, and based on some of the posts I've read on this forum, reboot difficulty is because there's a starting point that needs to be dealt with. Trauma comes in all forms and features, and it doesn't mean sexual abuse exclusively. In my case, I think it was rejection, reinforced by unhealthy coping mechanisms.
But I'm pretty much convinced I'm addicted to porn. THAT part doesn't involve how I got here, or when I started. THAT part I can stop, so I am. I think, along the way, writing some of this down, and sharing it with people anonymously will help at least with the anger, the anxiety and all the other stuff, and give me an outlet. I may keep it up (pardon the pun) and I may not. If you'd like to comment or follow along and maybe share your own stories, that's cool too. But please don't tell me to "Hang in there! You'll beat this!" That just annoys me because there's no investment in it. It's a written form of masturbation, which is what we're trying to avoid.
So to close....
Dear, Penthouse. I never thought I'd be writing a letter like this. I'm a 45 year old man and a porn addict. My member doesn't work, I'm angry all the time, and I want this BS to stop. I know this isn't your fault, because you didn't force me to read/buy/whatever what you're peddling, but I just wanted to tell you something. I'm done with you.
