Hi!
I've been reading this forum for a while, but decided to register and start my journal only now. English is not my native language so normally I don't write long posts (difficult for me to write and probably difficult for others to read), but now I feel I really need to do it, so here goes my story:
My addiction started much earlier than most I've read here about and it didn't exactly start with porn. At the age of 5 I discovered masturbation - it was a new unusual way to find intense pleasure in my body, I was actually very glad and didn't suspect something may be wrong with that. I didn't hide it, so my mother seen me masturbating and told me in a very strict tone that I should never try this again. I was scared and disappointed, but didn't stop and just tried to keep it secret. Got caught again, and this time my mother was extremely furious. She told me I'm destroying my life with that masturbation (almost destroyed already, at 5(!)), I will never become a real man, nobody will love me, I will not be able to find a job, will be rejected everywhere and so on. It was utter nonsense, but at that age I trusted my mom completely and was ashamed and scared to death.
But - guess what - I didn't stop. Right because I was overwhelmed with extreme negative feelings and these was noone to help me to deal with them - masturbation became my temporary relief. But of cause after that relief these feelings were coming back, reinforced with my mother's behaviour. She was obsessed with my masturbation, trying to catch me and just constantly asking me if I'm doing it or not. I had to lie - day after day, year after year - and feel the same shame and fear. On the surface my life looked just good, but inside I felt that I'm very different from other people (both children and adults) around me, very corrupted.
As I grew older, however, I gained more independency and personal space, and my mother didn't prosecute me anymore - she never told me she's now ok with my masturbation or whatever, but at least she stopped asking and trying so hard to catch me. And only then I discovered porn. I can't tell at what age exactly it happened, because it was a gradual process - before I masturbated just to my fantasies, then to some printed pictures (not so explicit, but still arousing), then some more stimulating pictures on the internet, then videos. At the same time, ironically, I got access to alternative sources of information and finally learned that masturbation per se is not as terribly harmful as my mother convinced me, so I started to feel somewhat easier and to feel some hope for a normal social life, despite PMOing on a regular basis.
(to be continued)
I've been reading this forum for a while, but decided to register and start my journal only now. English is not my native language so normally I don't write long posts (difficult for me to write and probably difficult for others to read), but now I feel I really need to do it, so here goes my story:
My addiction started much earlier than most I've read here about and it didn't exactly start with porn. At the age of 5 I discovered masturbation - it was a new unusual way to find intense pleasure in my body, I was actually very glad and didn't suspect something may be wrong with that. I didn't hide it, so my mother seen me masturbating and told me in a very strict tone that I should never try this again. I was scared and disappointed, but didn't stop and just tried to keep it secret. Got caught again, and this time my mother was extremely furious. She told me I'm destroying my life with that masturbation (almost destroyed already, at 5(!)), I will never become a real man, nobody will love me, I will not be able to find a job, will be rejected everywhere and so on. It was utter nonsense, but at that age I trusted my mom completely and was ashamed and scared to death.
But - guess what - I didn't stop. Right because I was overwhelmed with extreme negative feelings and these was noone to help me to deal with them - masturbation became my temporary relief. But of cause after that relief these feelings were coming back, reinforced with my mother's behaviour. She was obsessed with my masturbation, trying to catch me and just constantly asking me if I'm doing it or not. I had to lie - day after day, year after year - and feel the same shame and fear. On the surface my life looked just good, but inside I felt that I'm very different from other people (both children and adults) around me, very corrupted.
As I grew older, however, I gained more independency and personal space, and my mother didn't prosecute me anymore - she never told me she's now ok with my masturbation or whatever, but at least she stopped asking and trying so hard to catch me. And only then I discovered porn. I can't tell at what age exactly it happened, because it was a gradual process - before I masturbated just to my fantasies, then to some printed pictures (not so explicit, but still arousing), then some more stimulating pictures on the internet, then videos. At the same time, ironically, I got access to alternative sources of information and finally learned that masturbation per se is not as terribly harmful as my mother convinced me, so I started to feel somewhat easier and to feel some hope for a normal social life, despite PMOing on a regular basis.
(to be continued)