Nae fappin!

[a_strange_boy]

Sooooo, here it goes.  This is going to be my little journal for how I'm feeling with my abstention from fapping/porn etc.  I don't particularly have any desire to write out a novella about my life, so I'm just going to note down a few points which may or may not be relevant;

• I'm gay.  Growing up as a gay guy played a big role in my addiction to pornography/masturbation; I was unable to express these desires openly, I was unable to develop meaningful (for a 14 year old) relationship with people I was both romantically and sexually interested in.  As such, the internet seemed like the only place I could do this....gay porn all over the place.  This started off fairly mild but now the majority of context would fit into some fetish category.
  
• I started masturbating when I was very very young.  Maybe between the ages of 7 or 8, possibly earlier?
  
• I've just turned 25, and I haven't really abstained from any porn/masturbation for any length of time.  I used to have a very all or nothing attitude towards it (and other things in my life, such as diet/exercise/study etc.) but now I realise that even one relapse a week is much better than deciding you're going to lie down and watch hardcore porn 3-6 times a day.
  
• The weaknesses which I've noticed from previous attempts; when someone who I've slept with or have sexual chemistry with messages me.  I'm not sure how ubiquitous naked pics/videos are in the heterosexual community, but gay guys are all over that stuff! It makes it quite a challenge at times to avoid engaging with people sexually.  Another weakness is when I actively seek sex; because generally speaking other people cant drop everything at a moments notice for sex, and as such I end up fapping. 

Anyway, how do I plan on helping myself through this?  Well I've got uni/work stuff on the go to keep me busy.  I started playing piano at Christmas just for fun (and I've massively surprised myself by how much I've improved in that time!), I go to the gym regularly (any lifters?).  I also read a lot so that will help. 

Anyway...I'm on day 1.

 

[SETI]

Hello!

Questions... what are the benefits you see in quitting, or, what will you achieve with quitting?

Best of luck!

 

[a_strange_boy]

Good question.  And I wonder if you could answer whether my reasons for it are possible?

1)  I suppose I have porn-induced ED; perhaps not to the extent that some other people do, but there's definitely an element of it. 

2)  Also, I feel like sometimes I used fapping as a way to pass time, even though I always have a thousand other more productive things to be getting on with.  I hope that actively preventing myself from doing it will drive me to be a little more productive.

3)  I want to view 'normal' sex as something arousing again.  At the moment, the idea of sex doesn't arouse me unless there is some form of fetish activity involved.  I want to be able to be aroused just by my partner alone.

4) I don't have a particularly positive view of the porn industry.  From what I gather, "heterosexual" porn often is exceedingly offensive and demeaning towards women and female performers.  Don't get me wrong, any job could be demeaning, so that's not the backbone of my belief.  In trans porn, I believe that a lot of the performers are treated unfairly as well.  I don't think that happens quite so much with gay porn, but there are companies, one in particular which actively encourage the transmission of HIV/AIDS, their porn actors get the company logo tattoo'd on them to demonstrate their HIV positive status (or I guess their desire to become HIV pos).  The whole thing, really, is something which I don't particularly wish to support.

And if there are any other benefits to abstaining, then I'll be glad to experience them.

I have another question actually; I was on yourbrainrebalanced for a time, but I didn't find people particularly active in terms of checking other people's journals and replying etc.  Is this place more active?  I found it really disheartening when I would contribute to other peoples journals (which I did because I believe it's part of being in a community like this) and then not getting much back?

 

[Mart71]

[...]
I have another question actually; I was on yourbrainrebalanced for a time, but I didn't find people particularly active in terms of checking other people's journals and replying etc.  Is this place more active?  I found it really disheartening when I would contribute to other peoples journals (which I did because I believe it's part of being in a community like this) and then not getting much back?

Hi,
RebootNation is a very young site and the community is still growing. Just like on YBR, if the journals are more a dialogue than a monologue, you might find more participation. Usually the more active you are yourself, the more activity will be in your journal.

Anyway, welcome and good luck!

 

[SETI]

Good question.  And I wonder if you could answer whether my reasons for it are possible?

1)  I suppose I have porn-induced ED; perhaps not to the extent that some other people do, but there's definitely an element of it. 

2)  Also, I feel like sometimes I used fapping as a way to pass time, even though I always have a thousand other more productive things to be getting on with.  I hope that actively preventing myself from doing it will drive me to be a little more productive.

3)  I want to view 'normal' sex as something arousing again.  At the moment, the idea of sex doesn't arouse me unless there is some form of fetish activity involved.  I want to be able to be aroused just by my partner alone.

4) I don't have a particularly positive view of the porn industry.  From what I gather, "heterosexual" porn often is exceedingly offensive and demeaning towards women and female performers.  Don't get me wrong, any job could be demeaning, so that's not the backbone of my belief.  In trans porn, I believe that a lot of the performers are treated unfairly as well.  I don't think that happens quite so much with gay porn, but there are companies, one in particular which actively encourage the transmission of HIV/AIDS, their porn actors get the company logo tattoo'd on them to demonstrate their HIV positive status (or I guess their desire to become HIV pos).  The whole thing, really, is something which I don't particularly wish to support.

And if there are any other benefits to abstaining, then I'll be glad to experience them.

I have another question actually; I was on yourbrainrebalanced for a time, but I didn't find people particularly active in terms of checking other people's journals and replying etc.  Is this place more active?  I found it really disheartening when I would contribute to other peoples journals (which I did because I believe it's part of being in a community like this) and then not getting much back?

Well, I can see your point relating to the porn industry. Its not pretty from any angle in my opinion. I myself also have problems with ED and its one of the main reasons for me to change. Also, you mention that you use it because you are bored. I can totally relate to that, and its sort of become a mechanical thing to masturbate, without even being aroused. Its strange and I see now its a form of self-medication which also shuts others out of our view on sexuality I think.

On your question, I really can't say since I joined the forum just the other day, but I guess writing will perhaps help someone else, even if we get little written response. Its a way to give back to that people who put them selfs out and shared the info about this in the first place. I didn't have even a clue PMO was causing my ED and possibly a lot of other issues in my life before I started reading... so thats my two cents.

 

[CrazyGopher]

I have another question actually; I was on yourbrainrebalanced for a time, but I didn't find people particularly active in terms of checking other people's journals and replying etc.  Is this place more active?  I found it really disheartening when I would contribute to other peoples journals (which I did because I believe it's part of being in a community like this) and then not getting much back?

I see fewer journals go by without any replies here. Will it stay that way? I certainly hope so, but many of the early members are old hats who have made a lot of progress and are very generous with their time. Things may change as the number of members grows.

For myself, I've found that I feel better when I contribute to other people's journals without the expectation of getting anything back. In my experience porn tends to make people more selfish, so if you try to help out newbies it's normal that you may not get much love in return. Sometimes you will even get anger or rage directed at you.

Helping the newbies is a great service to humanity, for sure, but it can also drain you unless you have a really thick skin.

 

[noises1990]

Good luck on your journey brother! I'm sure that if you stick to the program you'll be fine! Not sure what to tell you since I'm also a newbie here but I'm trying to keep positive! Keep a positive attitude about this!

 

[a_strange_boy]

Hey guys, thanks so much for your support! 

I'm on day 4 and still sticking to it; so far I've actually found it fairly easy, however I'm aware from past experience that around the 1 week mark I get incredibly horny and eventually a little downward spiral starts.  I negotiate with myself; "Hey, what if you just avoid porn and fapping but you have sex with someone to release a bit of the tension?" and then obviously it's not always possible to find someone to sleep with, but by this time I've made myself so horny that I end up fapping. 

So I think what I might do when I start feeling like that, is just come on here and write about it.

At the moment I've been waking up with the most persistent morning wood.  I've just made a point of getting up and getting on with things rather than playing.  So that has helped.  Aside from that, not much to report.

 

[noises1990]

Haha! Nice to hear about your morning wood! I guess I'm in the flatline now, no morning wood so far ^_^ Keep being strong bro!

 

[a_strange_boy]

I'm now on day 6 of no PMO.  Things have been going well, and this time I feel more prepared to commence with the second week, knowing that has previously been a stumbling block.

This might be completely unrelated, but sometimes I wonder if I have issues with regards to my attentions span.  So, if I sit down and play piano or if I read a book I enjoy, I can maintain attention for an extended period of time.  However as soon as I do other things, like try and do uni work etc.  I find that my brain is constantly trying to escape whatever I'm trying to make it do.  Perhaps this will help me to become more focused, because often times it's sex which my brain jumps to.  We shall see!

I wonder if perhaps it would be worth it right now to start a spreadsheet, and that way I might feel less inclined to say "oh well I've fallen off the wagon so therefore I might as well just stay off it!".  I might look into that!

 

[noises1990]

I know how it feels... My brain jumps to sex a lot... I don't really know how to make it stop, I'm just trying to not feed the thoughts. Good to see you're making progress with your focus, it is very important!

 

[a_strange_boy]

Wow!  So as suspected I'm having the mega urge to fap just now; I downloaded grindr and kinda thought "hey, maybe you could just play for a bit!" and of course, now I'm uber horny and want to wank.  So, true to what I said earlier on, I've come on to talk about it and try and level out my mind a bit!

I've actually played with myself a bit these past couple of days, not even really edging though; just stroking in bed in the morning and in the shower.  But I can genuinely say I haven't really had the urge to PMO.  Right now is the first time I've had that.  I got major blue balls two days ago, but it seems to have gone now!  Is that normal?

Also, I had a sex dream last night and I reckon it was probably close to being a wet one.  The weird thing is...in the dream I'm sure I was having sex with a girl, which is odd cuz I'm gay!  I genuinely have very little attraction towards females...so it's odd that that's what I'm dreaming about?!

 

[a_strange_boy]

Oh, I believe I'm on day 12!

 

[SETI]

Wow!  So as suspected I'm having the mega urge to fap just now; I downloaded grindr and kinda thought "hey, maybe you could just play for a bit!" and of course, now I'm uber horny and want to wank.  So, true to what I said earlier on, I've come on to talk about it and try and level out my mind a bit!

I've actually played with myself a bit these past couple of days, not even really edging though; just stroking in bed in the morning and in the shower.  But I can genuinely say I haven't really had the urge to PMO.  Right now is the first time I've had that.  I got major blue balls two days ago, but it seems to have gone now!  Is that normal?

Also, I had a sex dream last night and I reckon it was probably close to being a wet one.  The weird thing is...in the dream I'm sure I was having sex with a girl, which is odd cuz I'm gay!  I genuinely have very little attraction towards females...so it's odd that that's what I'm dreaming about?!

I think its quite normal that dreams are not in line with what we do during our waking hours. Sometimes I murder people in my dreams and I'm not a murderer

 

[a_strange_boy]

I'm on 14 days, and I'm so fucking horny!  I'm struggling big time