KarmaPolice
Member
Hey All,
Just wanted to share my story and say thanks to everyone who posts their story and gives hope to those of us who are just starting. I have been watching internet porn since ~13yo and I'm not 30. I've always had problems being present during sex and reaching orgasm with a partner. I can beat off in 2 minutes flat with almost any kind of porn video (although my taste as of late has gotten much more extreme). My wife can give me oral for 30 minutes and feel like her jaw is going to fall off and I still don't cum unless I go to the "highlight reel" (thinking about bizzaro porn videos or times that I replicated porn acts with girls). I had about 50% chance of orgasm by "jackhammering" for a while but my wife does not like that as it hurts her (which is probably why it gets me off). It's sick but I guess when porn is my norm and reality is my outlier, it's what I've come to crave. I also ask her to do some porn acts - which I almost immediately regret after we're finished (I know she doesn't like it but she does it for me).
I recently gave up masturbation for lent. I had not researched anything, just wanted to see if I could do it because it seemed hard. Within the first two weeks, I noticed myself getting very mean, moody and feeling lethargic. I also gave up food for lent and figured it must have just been that. Then, I then began feeling a-sexual and my penis was almost unresponsive when touching it. My wife asked me if I wanted a BJ and it had been a while so I said okay (but really didn't want one). It was difficult to get me hard and maintaining the erection. This difficulty had been gradually building up over time, but I had never experienced it like this. After I thought of porn, I was able to cum after about 20 min and my dick deflated within like 10 seconds. This was very strange. I felt like I was getting ED and started touching myself and noticing not much of a response and that scared the shit out of me because I'm only 30.
I did some online research on ED and found one of Gabe's posts. So much of my life and current situation are making sense now. I had withdrawal and flatlining occurring and I get it now. With my last O being 2 nights ago I guess I need to start my 90 days from now but I am extremely excited for the future. I want to be able to orgasm intimately with my wife instead of replaying fantasies in my mind. I want to be able to have "normal" sex and have an uncontrollable urge to climax instead of me straining to climax thinking about a DP video. I've decided to go for a Hard 90 (90 days no porn/masturbation/orgasm). Hopefully I can re-wire and normal sex will finally be meaningful to me.
I'm also going to take the time I gain to start reading again. Another poster has me excited about a meditation book called "The Presence Process". I am equally excited to start on that and begin living in the PRESENT and not some foggy world where I'm merely existing and getting by day to day. Looking forward to it greatly and I am motivated to improve my life. Thanks to all the posters for support and testimonials. I spend a lot of time reading them and will continue to as well. I find solace knowing my problem is not just "my" problem anymore and am very optimistic about the future.
Cheers
Just wanted to share my story and say thanks to everyone who posts their story and gives hope to those of us who are just starting. I have been watching internet porn since ~13yo and I'm not 30. I've always had problems being present during sex and reaching orgasm with a partner. I can beat off in 2 minutes flat with almost any kind of porn video (although my taste as of late has gotten much more extreme). My wife can give me oral for 30 minutes and feel like her jaw is going to fall off and I still don't cum unless I go to the "highlight reel" (thinking about bizzaro porn videos or times that I replicated porn acts with girls). I had about 50% chance of orgasm by "jackhammering" for a while but my wife does not like that as it hurts her (which is probably why it gets me off). It's sick but I guess when porn is my norm and reality is my outlier, it's what I've come to crave. I also ask her to do some porn acts - which I almost immediately regret after we're finished (I know she doesn't like it but she does it for me).
I recently gave up masturbation for lent. I had not researched anything, just wanted to see if I could do it because it seemed hard. Within the first two weeks, I noticed myself getting very mean, moody and feeling lethargic. I also gave up food for lent and figured it must have just been that. Then, I then began feeling a-sexual and my penis was almost unresponsive when touching it. My wife asked me if I wanted a BJ and it had been a while so I said okay (but really didn't want one). It was difficult to get me hard and maintaining the erection. This difficulty had been gradually building up over time, but I had never experienced it like this. After I thought of porn, I was able to cum after about 20 min and my dick deflated within like 10 seconds. This was very strange. I felt like I was getting ED and started touching myself and noticing not much of a response and that scared the shit out of me because I'm only 30.
I did some online research on ED and found one of Gabe's posts. So much of my life and current situation are making sense now. I had withdrawal and flatlining occurring and I get it now. With my last O being 2 nights ago I guess I need to start my 90 days from now but I am extremely excited for the future. I want to be able to orgasm intimately with my wife instead of replaying fantasies in my mind. I want to be able to have "normal" sex and have an uncontrollable urge to climax instead of me straining to climax thinking about a DP video. I've decided to go for a Hard 90 (90 days no porn/masturbation/orgasm). Hopefully I can re-wire and normal sex will finally be meaningful to me.
I'm also going to take the time I gain to start reading again. Another poster has me excited about a meditation book called "The Presence Process". I am equally excited to start on that and begin living in the PRESENT and not some foggy world where I'm merely existing and getting by day to day. Looking forward to it greatly and I am motivated to improve my life. Thanks to all the posters for support and testimonials. I spend a lot of time reading them and will continue to as well. I find solace knowing my problem is not just "my" problem anymore and am very optimistic about the future.
Cheers