I've outlined my situation below... but my feelings are this... Has anyone hit a point in their recovery where they don't even give a shit about getting better? They've struggled and had "successful" sex a couple times and then thought: "Really???? All the sacrifice and suffering for this??? Does it mean the sex actually wasn't that good and better is in store? After 259 days, is a flatline after orgasm still possible? The fact is, I don't actually feel that dark. I'm just exhausted by this process. Right now I want to say "whatever" to sex. Right now I want to say that I PMO'd my life force away, and I'm just not entitled to great sex for the rest of this life (I'm 31). But I know that's not the life I want to lead. Did anyone else used to think the end-all-be-all was sex, and now they've realized that's just one part of a satisfying life? And to get real satisfaction you actually have to go out and achieve, but that means facing all your insecurities and perceived shortcomings and you'd rather just lock yourself in a closet and jerk off till you die (that last part added for dramatic effect). I've lost a lot of motivation this week, and the recent events are outlined below. I would cherish your thoughts.
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When they talk about non-linear recovery, you really don't grasp the depth and breadth of it until you're in it. My girlfriend and I had pretty successful sex twice last week (3/5 and 3/6, I believe it was). This was the first successful sex after living together for over a year (and no PM since 6/19/14). Why she didn't leave or kill me, or kill and then leave is proof of a higher power. The second session wasn't "perfect" -- meaning I couldn't stay fully erect, so of course I beat myself up. Anyone else here frequently feel like a failure even in success?
Both times we were having sex without a condom (at her request), so I couldn't finish inside of her (no pill either). I actually feel better with the condom. I prefer the peace of mind, but she had a much stronger orgasm and far less discomfort without it. And after all the suffering I put her through, I felt like she deserved the pleasure. The first time I didn't mind just finishing myself off as long as could touch her, but the second time she didn't want me to touch her either, so I just felt like I was jerking off alone -- like a depraved animal. I was in bed next to her as she was drifting off to sleep, and I just felt like a pervert.
We had an in-depth talk the next day after I spent most of the morning holding in my feelings (aka thinking I was). Then the next day (Sunday), I MO'd alone, just for some relief (no porn, of course). I could barely get hard. M, T, W, R -- no activity. Then Friday came around, and I awoke with the usual morning wood. I spooned my girlfriend and she could feel it. When she went to blow me... NOTHING. I blamed the fact that I was going to be late for work and couldn't concentrate. We said we would try again.
Friday night rolled around and we had a nice evening out, but she said she felt fat (which she's not) and wasn't feeling sexual. She fell asleep watching her iPad on the couch, and I slept alone. I awoke at 5 AM Saturday and MO'd. Later in the morning, I told her I felt depressed which was true, and we attempted sex. Barely any response down there, though she did get off. She said we could go back to condoms if it would help, and that actually lifted my spirits a bit, because it meant that I could achieve the closest possible connection... if I could ever get it up again in the future (this part said in my head).
But I'm still feeling pretty listless.
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When they talk about non-linear recovery, you really don't grasp the depth and breadth of it until you're in it. My girlfriend and I had pretty successful sex twice last week (3/5 and 3/6, I believe it was). This was the first successful sex after living together for over a year (and no PM since 6/19/14). Why she didn't leave or kill me, or kill and then leave is proof of a higher power. The second session wasn't "perfect" -- meaning I couldn't stay fully erect, so of course I beat myself up. Anyone else here frequently feel like a failure even in success?
Both times we were having sex without a condom (at her request), so I couldn't finish inside of her (no pill either). I actually feel better with the condom. I prefer the peace of mind, but she had a much stronger orgasm and far less discomfort without it. And after all the suffering I put her through, I felt like she deserved the pleasure. The first time I didn't mind just finishing myself off as long as could touch her, but the second time she didn't want me to touch her either, so I just felt like I was jerking off alone -- like a depraved animal. I was in bed next to her as she was drifting off to sleep, and I just felt like a pervert.
We had an in-depth talk the next day after I spent most of the morning holding in my feelings (aka thinking I was). Then the next day (Sunday), I MO'd alone, just for some relief (no porn, of course). I could barely get hard. M, T, W, R -- no activity. Then Friday came around, and I awoke with the usual morning wood. I spooned my girlfriend and she could feel it. When she went to blow me... NOTHING. I blamed the fact that I was going to be late for work and couldn't concentrate. We said we would try again.
Friday night rolled around and we had a nice evening out, but she said she felt fat (which she's not) and wasn't feeling sexual. She fell asleep watching her iPad on the couch, and I slept alone. I awoke at 5 AM Saturday and MO'd. Later in the morning, I told her I felt depressed which was true, and we attempted sex. Barely any response down there, though she did get off. She said we could go back to condoms if it would help, and that actually lifted my spirits a bit, because it meant that I could achieve the closest possible connection... if I could ever get it up again in the future (this part said in my head).
But I'm still feeling pretty listless.
