Mature Masculine's Journal

[Mature Masculine]

Hello everyone,

I am new to the Reboot Nation forum, though I have posted previously on NoFap and other similar websites.

For just over eighteen months, I have been attempting to end my pornography and masturbation addiction.  My longest streak has been sixty days, yet this was almost a year ago now.  Around this time I entered into a relationship (since ended).  As it was sexual, I regressed back to a previous state of porn use.  Following the sixty days, I certainly saw a marked improvement in respect of sexual activeness.  I was able to achieve and sustain an erection, for a long enough time to bring the lady to orgasm, yet I myself I could not reach ejaculation.  This, as well as other matters - I admit - led to the sorry demise of this latest relationship.

Thus, in regard to the above paragraph, I am back to Day One.  I wanted to try Reboot Nation, a new forum for me, to add a little freshness to this process.  However, I do not wish to sound all-doom-and-gloom.  Eighteen-months since discovering and admitting the damage frequent porn use was doing to me, I can certainly say I am an improved being.  There is definitely truth in the idea that any accumulated time away from porn, including relapsing (in my case when I have relapsed it triggered a number of large binges), all helps.

It's growing late in my corner of the world (Eastern Europe), so I will end this introductory note here.  I just wanted to quickly say hello to everyone on the Reboot Nation forum.  Good luck with your respective recoveries.

 

[Mature Masculine]

Day 2

Awoke thinking about sex and pornography.  Old girlfriends in pornographic scenarios, this type of thing.  In such cases, I recall an episode of the YBR Radio Show, in which one of the presenters described having to sit on his hands to stop relapsing.  One 'trick' I have found really helped me in the past, is to wear an elastic band around my left wrist (I'm right handed, so the opposite wrist to the hand/arm I use to M - this is the naughty beast which needs to be kept busy and distracted).  If I wake up with such urges, after a time of thinking about it, I twang/flick the band instead of playing with myself.  Yes, this is an example of swapping one habit for another, yet the elastic band is by far the least harmful of the two.

On with the day ahead.  All the best to everyone on Reboot Nation.  Do write a message to me, if anyone feels like it, even if it's just to say hello.

 

[lyon03]

Hey MM. Thanks for sharing my friend. I like the elastic band idea. You've probably already done so but here are some things that worked for me (currently 138 days PMO-free):

1. What kind of reboot?

As my friend Phase2 recently pointed out in his 'Success Stories' post, there are two kinds of reboot: the first is reboot to stop a habit and thereby regain normal sexual function (or to beat PIED); the second is to stop an addiction by identifying and changing the emotions/feelings that feed the addiction. The first one can normally be beaten in 90 days or more, the second will probably take longer.

2. Decide:

Adopt a 'porn is not an option' approach. This means you'll never watch porn again. No 'rainy day' files on the computer as you won't watch porn ever again.

3. Learn

Read everything you can about porn addiction. If you haven't already done so, I'd recommend "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. There are lots of other books but 'YBOP' helped me the most during withdrawal.

4. Share

Post here every day for your first 90 days. Get your deepest secrets, lies, rationalizations, and bad juju out of your head and into this forum. By sharing you not only free yourself, but also start to build a no-PMO army to support you.

I hope that helps my friend and look forward to sharing your journey. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Mature Masculine]

Day 3

Thank you very much for your kind message and wise words, lyon03.  Fantastic going on your superb streak of 139 days free of PMO, too.  Great advice, particularly in regard to sharing.  I was an active online journal keeper, during my best period of PMO abstinence - 60 days - and since then all attempts haven't got much beyond double figures (I managed just under 20-days in January/February this year).  All the free days accumulate, however, so I should be happy for this.

My latest retreat to PMO, as seems to always be the case, centres around work problems.  Once a week, every Tuesday, I teach at an adult college.  It's a long afternoon, teaching from 14:00 to 21:00.  The classes I am currently teaching are terrible: they're unruly, loud, and it's a disgrace that I have to discipline adults as if they were secondary school children.  I've also heard open criticism of me, during the classes, which is difficult to take.  Admittedly, I've not been doing a great job.  I currently have two full-time positions and it's hard.  By Tuesday evening, I am shattered, and talking for up to 6-hours, after a full day of work (I begin at another educational institute at 8am), I am not at my best.  I understand I am excuse making here, but I am feeling very weak and vulnerable at the moment and I am making the mistake of using PMO to combat this stress. Fortunately, there is only two-months left, as the adult afternoon/evening courses end mid-may.  I've also decided that I will quit my second job, once it has finished.  I've been doing this for three years now and I need a break to undertake some personal matters - quitting PMO being one of the most important.  I will miss the extra cash input it brings me, so it will take a little bit of financial re-adjustment, yet I feel it is the best decision.

Sorry for bending the forum's ear with this griping.  Taking the advice of the above - 4. Share: Post here every day for your first 90 days. Get your deepest secrets, lies, rationalizations, and bad juju out of your head and into this forum. By sharing you not only free yourself, but also start to build a no-PMO army to support you. - talking about this sort of matter is what I need to do to get better.  I am a very closed individual, one who finds it difficult to share.

Thanks for reading and have a good day everyone.

 

[lyon03]

Feel free to share as much as you want brother. I'd add a #5 to the above list: take action. I constantly put myself in sh*tty situations and surrounded myself with toxic people because I didn't believe I deserved better. It took time but I finally stopped blaming and starting working through my problems. You're on the right track as you appear to have a plan. Why not show your class how great a teacher you can be? Teach the living sh*t out of your last two months - you're leaving anyway and have nothing to lose...but you'll gain a lot if you walk out of your last class holding your head high. Knowing you batted it out of the park in the classroom will help kill your inner addict. Food for thought my friend.

 

[Mature Masculine]

Day 6

Thanks again for your kind, considered words, lyon03.  Much appreciated and I will certainly take what you have written on board.

Entering my sixth day, all seems to be relatively calm on the PMO front.  I found myself wide awake at three in the morning.  During the (seemingly) long crawl toward morning, there is always the danger of boredom taking over (thus, a danger of PMO).  As with the past few days, which is always the case for the first ten-to-fifteen-days of a reboot for me, I woke up thinking about sexual situations.  Edging is also a big problem, as I unconsciously do this, yet I am happy that I managed to pull myself round.  I have an automatic timer on my WIFI router, which turns my flat's internet connection off during the night.  Initially, I did this to save energy, though in trying to quit PMO, I have also found it helps in this regard: a small tip for anyone whom happens to read this Friday morning note.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine roped me into running a half-marathon next weekend.  This is rather short notice, I know, and yes I am open to accusations of being somewhat naive, however I thought it would give me an impetus to 'get moving' again.  Two years ago, I was running regularly - never have I felt better (at the time I didn't realise the damage pornography was doing).  Though this is now a distant memory, I ran for ten-miles last night and managed it well enough.  My legs are currently feeling very stiff, but the half-marathon now seems less daunting.  Hopefully I can maintain this, once the marathon is over.  Despite my loathing of shopping centres, I felt good last weekend, in going to a sports shop and kitting myself out with running shoes, appropriate clothing, etc., as opposed to spending my money on porn subscriptions and other sex activities (I developed a habit of visiting a tantric masseuse on a monthly basis - it hits the wallet hard).

Well, that's my two-Euros worth for today, best of luck to you all and have great weekends.

 

[Mature Masculine]

Day 7

Hello everyone,

This is my seventh day of this latest bid to quit my pornography and masturbation addiction.  Asides from a number of intense urges to edge, it has been a successful first week.  Coinciding with training for the forthcoming half-marathon I am aiming to run next week, as well as the days now swiftly advancing towards the warmer days of spring and summer, I feel it is a time to be optimistic.

For the past year, ever since reading John Kerr?s excellent survey A Very Dangerous Method (I recommend this as a great introduction to the history of psychoanalysis and analytical psychology), I have grown increasingly interested in the biography and writings of Carl Jung.  A few months in, I started to read about ? to place it simplistically ? his notions of the role archetypes play in our development.  In particular, his concept of Anima and Animus, being that every human has influential ?male? side and ?female? side.  Most importantly for me, if you?ll pardon the indulgence, through reading into this idea I quickly realised that whilst my ?female? side is rather settled, it is my ?male? centre which is broken.  Yes, pornography plays a part of this, yet I realised that my stunted development into an im/mature male began quite young.  As such I see pornography very much as a symptom of immaturity or, rather, becoming so easily addicted to pornography as a symptom of immaturity, as opposed to the lone cause.  Realising this has been as important me as finally admitting I have a grave addiction to pornography.

Resting adjacent to the concepts of Anima and Animus if of course Jung?s idea of male archetypes.  Whether it?s forum contributors on ?Reboot Nation?, ?No Fap?, or ?YBR?, I am sure a commonality which binds us all is that we have scoured the internet looking for any material ? visual, written or otherwise ? detailing this phenomena.  As such, it wasn?t long before I came across a number of essays aligning the notion of male archetypal struggles with pornography and PMO addiction.  Mark Queppet of the NoFap academy has a number of introductory videos detailing the idea of a male?s four key archetypes: the King, the Warrior, the Magician, and the Lover (link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTyzcobNPtk).  I?m sure everyone here is already familiar with these videos, as well as the core concepts of male archetypes, yet I include the link anyway.  And of course, the central thesis of all this comes from the Jungian analyst Robert Moore and his book, co-authored with Douglas Gillette, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.  Even though I am uncomfortable with many of the ?happenings? within male-movements ? the Anglo-American overemphasis on the Warrior in glorifying egregious Western conflicts, for example ? I do believe that, in the end, the chief success of this ?movement? (being an online communal place to voice concerns about and trying to overcome heavy pornography use) is simply that ?men are sharing and talking?.  Coming from Britain, I truly despise the closed nature of male society there, the notion that detailing and speaking about one?s emotions is somehow ?feminine? and ?unmanly?.  This is why, on websites and podcasts such as the otherwise interesting and provoking The Art of Manliness - http://www.artofmanliness.com/ - I would prefer more focus to be on poets and sensitivity rather on the exploits of soldiers and marines (the glorification, shall I say, though I admit this admiration is far more nuanced than solely praising military endeavour ? the respect toward discipline, for example).  Yet I also know that many draw strength from acts of armed heroism, so if this works for you, please dismiss my frail ?lefty? complexion.

For those not yet versed in the idea of archetypes and the influence they yield upon us, I recommend for following lectures as an introduction point:

The King and the Warrior: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYxNprRHMx0

The Magician and the Lover: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5dZD_4n7W8

And, in regard to Anima and Animus, the following text: Transforming Sexuality: The Archetypal World of Anima and Animus by Barry Ulanov and Ann Ulano.

The above in particular is a challenging though rewarding read.  I am yet to read Moore?s detailed volumes on each of the archetypes, as they are hard to come by in Europe (they have inflated prices as is often the case with academic texts).

In many ways, I didn?t want this subject to be amongst my first posts.  It is one that has been covered at length and, as I wrote, I am somewhat suspicious of some of the characteristics which eventually arose in male movements, stemming also from the writings and lectures of Robert Bly (not that I have anything against Bly generally).  So, these are my thoughts for the day.  Despite what I write above about some concerns with men?s movements, I hope I do not come across as dismissive of Reboot Nation, NoFap, etc., which are all after all part of a new movement, one which has great value.  Men need an area to ?vent? and speak about ?what lies with in?, to be more vocal about our problems without the threat of feeling weak or vulnerable in our masculinity.  And whilst the internet must be the place for this at the start, I hope that it eventually moves beyond the world wide web and real masculine change occurs were it matters: with our families, daily lives and, most importantly, both our respective local and global communities.

 

[Mature Masculine]

Day 8

Almost into double figures now.  I have always felt that ten days is the first serious marker, in a ninety day challenge.  At the moment abstaining from PMO is not proving to be any problem.  Keeping away from edging is my main concern, though this too is going well.  In general my mood is fine, though I have certainly entered the all too familiar feeling of a 'flatline'.  It seems that, with each serious reboot attempt I make, the flatline appears earlier and earlier - has anybody else found this?  All the best to everyone out there!

 

[Mature Masculine]

Day 10: John Thomas is a Contrary Chap

As I wrote previously, reaching 10 days always feels like a minor achievement of sorts.  It has not started too well as I 'edged' a little this morning, in a half-sleep state - see how I am making excuses? - but I can at least be positive and state that I stopped before going to the point of no return (MO).

Early on in this latest reboot streak I do not have much to report beyond a physical observation.  When I compare my PMO habit to how it was 3-4 years ago, I should be happier with myself.  If I glue all of my steaks together, as well as the low number wank days (once instead of three to four to even five time), I am performing this action must less than in the past.  A result of this, I feel, is that new reboot streaks seem to pick up where they left off.  Perhaps I am just able to translate the feelings which accompany a reboot a little better than I once could.  Yet, I am sure my physical and emotional reactions to a reboot - both positive and negative - occupy my being much more swiftly than during my first attempt a couple of years ago. 

So, the physical observation: my penis resembles a shriveled, grey slug, after an hour in the sun.  My foreskin is all crinkled and seems to have lost its elasticity, whilst the 'crown' would not even be able to grace the head of the lowest type of life-form.  Grey, tiny and sunken, shall I say anemic?  I've also changed (or I am trying, 'change' would be a more appropriate word to use after 8-weeks or so) my lifestyle habits a little.  I'm attempting cold showers, running a lot, both of which I feel have also impacted upon the meat and two veg.  Yes, John Thomas is a contrary chap at the best of time, yet I am pleased that I am aware that this type of physical reaction can happen, as if not I would be quite worried!  Not to be too graphic, but my cock has shrunk to half its size (nothing to brag about in the first place - I was one of the people who did not greet a recent Guardian article on average penis size with glee), as have my balls, and they now resemble something akin to the a newly born river dwelling rodent.  If memory serves, this occurred at around Day 25-30, during my first long streak, so I am curious as to the reasons why it's now happening earlier (I'll take it as a good sign).

It's early in the morning, here in Eastern Europe.  I'm getting up at 05:00 these days and it feels great.  Once we begin to feel a little motivated, it's amazing to notice just how many hours are in the day, and what we can actually get done.  A long day ahead however, with all of the teaching, but I will get through it.

Here's a song for you all to begin the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wgrzp1DCs4

All the very best to everyone out there!  As the majority of forum writers on here are American (I assume, anyway) I expect most of you will be going to bed or already asleep.  As such, I wish you a present night's sleep!

 

[Mature Masculine]

Day 12: Born Before 1985

On my journey home, yesterday, I felt my first real "dangerous" urges.  Sat on the metro, every woman was turning me on.  This in itself is fine, pleasing, due to the fact it was nice to feel penile activity with just looking at a normal human being.  However, the porn fantasy still takes over when appreciation of a nice, normal person, turns into [pornographic terms follow] images of ejaculating over them or banging them doggy-style.  This type of behaviour is not appropriate and, along with my wish to be able to orgasm whilst inside a woman in a normal loving relationship, is the key reason why I wish to end this pornographic cycle.

The past couple of days can also be categorised by extreme tiredness.  After experiencing a lovely 'high' feeling, it now seems to have crashed in an almost bipolar fashion to a 'low'.  Little energy, aching limbs, in addition to my feeling more curt than usual.

In relation to the title of this post, I have been thinking about pornography use in relation to an article I read in The Guardian a few months ago.  It details that those of us born before 1985 (I was born in '83) are 'digital immigrants' - an interesting idea.  I will post a link to the article below.  If anyone happens to read it, I would welcome hearing from you and your thoughts.  I listen to the YBR Radio Show, ran by a few of the moderators on here.  The majority of the core presenters are blokes in their early to mid-twenties and I have noticed a number of times when our experiences with porn differ due to my only being five years older or so.  One of the main ways a person can be categorised as a digital immigrant is whether you can remember having computers in your school.  In my own case, I only recall computers appearing in my school - very large and slow devices - in Year 8 (Grade 7 I believe in the U.S.).  As a digital immigrant, my first experience with porn was through magazines - I would buy British daily tabloids, some which featured breasts/naked women, and cut them out for a weird collage of tits and fannies.  This migrated to asking older children or adults on the street to by porno mags and I recall with great humour that a contraband VHS copy of Paul Verhoeven's Showgirls did the rounds among the schoolboys. 

For those of us in our thirties, I feel this is something to cling to.  Our first porn experiences were not, most likely, centred around high speed internet porn.  My first "wank" was not to porn, it was to fantasy over a girl.  My first use of images for sexual gratification were in print.  I recall when AOL kicked off and, along with friends, we would meet a the house of the one person we new with the internet.  56k at a time, we would wait hours to watch videos.  The tight git also charged us 50p for each picture he would print for us of a naked woman!!  Looking back now, I find all of this very funny indeed.  Of course, years later, I succumbed to high speed internet porn in a very deep, addictive way.  I am a porn addict.  However, as I was spared the high-speed videos at an earlier age, perhaps I should be thankful for being a digital immigrant?

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/16/born-before-1985-digital-immigrant-lauren-laverne

 

[CrazyGopher]

Thanks for the link, Mature Masculine, it was an interesting read.

I was born in '84 so I guess I am technically a digital immigrant, although only barely. I was still involved with computers from a young age and almost all of my early porn experiences were still on a screen. But Internet porn then was nothing like it is today, and with one memorable exception I never ran into it during school hours.

I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for kids now. I hear about how common porn is on cellphones in the schools these days and I cringe. We certainly did not have anything like that to deal with. Now there is no escape from the intense distraction of porn, and that's going to have its inevitable effects on human civilization moving forward.

Well, sorry for the long rant...  ;D Wishing you luck with your urges as you proceed into day 13. Hopefully you'll catch a break soon  8)

 

[Mature Masculine]

Thank you for your reply, CrazyGopher.  I too worry what this current generation of children will be like, once they're into their late teens, twenties and thirties.  I see intense problems now, in the 19 - 21 year old undergraduates I teach: one poor girl in a particular class has two smart phones!  If anything, we should be thankful that being born a little earlier than the high-speed internet age at least allows us a little increased mindfulness of the problems which can arise.  Good luck with your continuing reboot, my friend. 

 

[Mature Masculine]

Day 13

Onto Day 13, I must confess that my feeling lousy has continued into today.  I'm feeling weak, tired, argumentative and, most worryingly, wholly apathetic to the demands and realities of the present.  Tomorrow I have agreed to, perhaps foolishly, run a half-marathon with a friend after his partner had to drop out.  Asides from a few practice runs, I am unprepared.  Now, usually, I would be - to use a British colloquialism - "bricking it".  Yet this evening, the night before, I feel nothing.  After finishing this post I will go to bed, sleep, wake-up at my customary 05:00, then (note: this is how I feel 'now', as it may be different in the morning), run it.  The fact I feel little tension is very unlike me.  Nor is it an example of a new found confidence garnered from no PMO.  Far from it, for I know beneath the numbness lies a rotten core of anxiety that is waiting to burst out.  We'll see how it goes as tonight's darkness drifts into tomorrow's light, yet the fact I feel nothing is rather unsettling.  During my last 'reboot' attempts, I never really experienced a flatline before.  However, at the time of typing, I go have a sense of sickness that could result in throwing up at any time.

A gloomy post today - I hope future notes will be a touch more positive.  Signing out, MM.

 

[Mature Masculine]

Erotic Massages and Escorts - a painful, difficult, though necessary confession to write

Hello everyone,

Well, my latest streak came to an end.  Perhaps this was always inevitable.  As it's the Ester holidays, I suddenly had hours of free time on my hands, so I filled the boredom by Googling and searching for escorts in the city where I live.  I had vowed never to do this again, as with this lust comes 'shame' and guilt.  In fact the character Brandon, played by Michael Fassbender in the excellent Steve McQueen film, Shame, is someone I can relate to (if you haven't seen the film, I advise to watch it, though BEWARE of the triggers, including the delightful Carey Mulligan).

In respect of porn tastes, I have always been excited by the prospect of paying for anonymous sex.  Let's say it's a fetish.  I think this has something to do with when I was twelve, during a family holiday to Amsterdam.  Not really knowing where we were going, we - my dad, mum, younger brother and soon-to-be-teenager me - wandered into the Red Light District.  Prior to this, I add already discovered girls and maybe had attempted to masturbate on one or two occasions.  However, I had seen nothing like this.  Beautiful women everywhere, scantily clad.  It was too much to handle and I became very embarrassed, hiding behind my parents as we walked through (my dad probably thinking, 'shit!').  That evening, I jerked off to ejaculation for the first time, to mental images of the women I had seen during the day. 

Ever since this time, I had fantasied about visiting prostitutes.  And, I will admit, I have, though it's not frequent.  About once a month to every six weeks I visit an erotic masseuse.  I won't go into details because of triggers, but let me just say that no sex or any penetration is involved.  With prostitutes, I have no real desire to sleep with any of them.  Since trying to quit porn, I realise that it is all one extreme exercise in edging.  I like to walk around brothels, as the 'idea' of sleeping with one of these women is far more exciting to me than the actual sex.  On the very few times it's happened, I have felt awkward and ashamed.  This is were I feel excessive PMO comes into it: I am craving dopamine and, in pursuit of this, I have turned fantasy into reality.

I do feel 'shame'.

My deepest urge is to delete this post and run away.  However, as I have never written anything like this, I feel it necessary to 'post'.

Have a good day everyone, MM.

 

[joe_ireland]

Hi Maturemaculine, I really enjoyed reading your posts and found a lot of very interesting material, especially on Jung and the archetypes. Don't worry about relapsing. How are you keeping? Are you still sticking with it?